Feed the Right Wolf

Daily Checklist:
Day13 of soberness.
Uneven sleep of roughly 7 hours
Meditated
Practiced yoga
Ate healthy 3meals with all healthy drinks



Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
Caring
Sentimental
Lust
Arousal
Depression


Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:
Day was pretty much normal like always. A friend pointed out that I listen to songs which are depressing. I don't know why I love these songs. Well I don't like them cuz of their negativity or anything as such. I listen to them cuz of their lyrics, beats, meaning of what is being sung. I never got depressed cuz of them (or maybe I got sad sometimes). She suggested me to replace them with much more cheerful songs. I don't know if she is correct or not. But I did found some truthness in her this statement.
Maybe I will delete them and put joyful ones. Our brain plays very mysteriously. We think that it is under control and in very other second it is doing something destructive.




How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
I stick to my weekly plan and listen to these calls. They are really motivating. Listening to them keeps me motivated and distracted from all sorta shits n craps which are trying to play with my mind.
Been touch with my friends who keep my cheered up all the time. Although I haven't shared anything about my struggle with this addiction with anyone yet but I did lied to one of my friend that I am having problems with controlling my anger. This way whenever I have relapsed earlier I have shared myself with her indirectly. She thinks I am having problems with my anger and supports me with that thinking. Atleast this way I can share myself.


Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
One thing I have learnt today is to keep yourself busy and distracted. Avoid "HALT" i.e. Hungry, alone, lonely, tired. These are the things Which helps the triggers.




Things You are Thankful for Today:
Thankful to my friends and family for being their and looking after me. Other than that I am thankful to all the people who are helping us to break this chain.




I did a stupid mistake by wishing my ex on this Christmas. She is now back with all those unstoppable texts. After a month of avoidance she stopped contacting me. She is one of the biggest triggers I am suffering right now. I ended up with her cuz of her hidden past. She wasn't honest with me in our whole relationship. Her behavior and the way she interacts with other male friends is totally weird. She is too frank. Maybe it is normal for her or for those guys who talks dirty with her but not for me and she doesn't listens to me ever. I had literally forgotten all my memories shared with her. But now all of them are back with these moronic fantasies.
I have been sober since last relapse which was 10days after the previous relapse. Those relapses were cuz of my mistake of looking porn online and that begun with stimulating images in these stupid magazines.
But after getting over with that and locking up my iPhone for Internet access and deleting all the apps through which I cud hv possibly been able to watch porn, now I am kind of free.
But she is my new weakness now as she is the reason of my all fantasies. I can restrict myself from watching porn but how to stop fantasies? It was easier to avoid these fantasies when she wasn't there. I am unable to stop these fantasies.

I am afraid if I will be unable to avoid some strong ones and will end up destroying my soberness of two weeks.

Needed some help here.!


Flit.
(Sry for not being in gist.. Just wanted to explain my situation)

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

hi,

my suggestion is - when "it" happens don't break down. The crucial thing is to continue the struggle and not the attempt to maintain soberness for a long time ( that is mostly impossible after years of swimming and diving in the lake of porn and masturbation ). I myself prefere to extent the periods without por. and mast. gradually. I'm simply afraid of negative reactions of my body ( its hunger for drugs produced in our brain and triggered by porn and mast. - I must acclimatise my brain to the hunger carefully).

good luck

_________________

Hi Flit,

I'm glad you had the courage to post here and to decide to do something good for yourself. There is nothing easy about recovering from addiction, but just try to remember that today, you don't have to be sober for a month; you just have to be sober today. Even breaking the day down into hours or minutes is helpful. Keep coming back and posting, we're glad you're here.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

@Mombasa
hey,
Thank yu for your kind views towards my issue. I second your thought about keep struggling rather than trying to be sober as we are here trying to break the chain. Hope I will succeed in that. I am trying to give my best towards this. Thanks again.



@Absolution

Hi,
I really loved your idea of breaking the chain by focusing on each day. Well I have controlled my urges and craving to a great extent. But as I explained my problem about fantasies I am just having hard times with that. I hope somebody will be posting something about it which could help me with my this struggle. I'll keep posting here as struggle alone was really tough but now it will be bit easy after finding a place like this. Thank yu.



Regards.!

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

Day14 ends 'n' I RELAPSED.!

WTH.!
Although it was a night fall and ppl call it a natural way of cleaning out but I know the reality.

There is this girl who has a big crush on me and before I started my recovery process I used to misuse this feeling of her and used to talk dirty to her all the time. But as I started my recovery I stopped everything. Restrained myself from talkin to such ppl who used to get me triggered. But yesterday night I was getting bored from my studies and her text popped although I chatted with her normally with all decent stuffs but I guess my sub-conscious got excited without any reason as of his habit of getting excited everytime before this recovery.

I learned one thing now that I should always have a clean thoughts in my mind just before hitting my bed. And shld keep myself forbidden from talking to such ppl in night or doing anything which could be related to my this addiction.


 I am back to Day1. I Am not upset or something about it as my intentions weren't wrong so I'll be optimistic towards my willingness of getting recovered.
Now I have to work even harder as I am not safe even when I am asleep.




Flit.

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

Flit
All I can say is learn from the relapse.
To fantasize about porn/sex always gets one into trouble.
Keep going and it gets easier.
Peter

Hi Peter,

I am learning from each relapses I had till now. I have marked each relapses I had previously with the reasons behind it and working really hard on them Thanks for your support. Wish you lucks for your recovery.


Flit.

P.s. I have question and I am really unable to decide it on my own. My ex is trying to meet me tomorrow on ny eve. I usually fantasize about her during my weak period. It's been more than two months since we last met. I am confused if I should meet her or not. Will it jeopardize my process of recovery or sobriety if I meet her?

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

Flit
What does your ex want? Start dating again maybe?
If not, then maybe she may jeopardize your recovery.
It is a tough one. What do you want? 1 night stand?
Porn addiction/sex addiction similar issues

Peter

Hey Peter,

Thanks for replying. Well she wants to get us back together but I never want this relationship. I am happy after getting out of that relationship. Even after knowing this tht we can never be back she still wants to meet. And ya frankly speaking I am expecting one night stand which I seriously don't wanna do if it's going to jeopardize my recovery process. So far I am having double thoughts on this as my thinking brain is clearly forbidding me to do this but my reptilian brain is pushing me in. I think I should say her "No" before I get out of control. Thanks for the support.


Flit.

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

R.e.l.a.p.s.e.d.!

Eve party. Got drunk excessively. Under the effect of hangover watched some stimulating movie which led me to porn n I acted out. :"(
I skipped my this weeks call too.

I promise myself that I am not going to drink ever again. Although this was the 4th time I drank in my entire life and it was way too much. :"(

I wish I hadn't drank at all.!

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution