Feed the Right Wolf

Flit, well done for coming back. Do not give up
You will change for the better if you keep trying and put in the effort required.
Peter

Thanks Peter, for the support.

Days are going fine. Was giving a deep thought in past days situations and as I mentioned in my last post that I went until the verge of acting out, although I didn't. I will consider it as a relapse. I want a full recovery with no failure. Sobriety is my secondary goal. So technically I am back to..

Day 2


Good luck to yu all guys for your recovery. Be strong.

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

Day - 4

Wasnt able to post yesterday 'cuz my Internet was down. Today was an unproductive day. Doing a mistake which can risk my situation but still wanna do that.
Have to focus much more on my studies and should stay away from my phone as I kill hell lot of time on it.

Hoping yu all guys are doing pretty well. Take care

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

Hi Flit,

How things are?
How is your preparation going?
I moved to another city, only tomorrow i can resume my preparation.
How much study time you spend in a day. If you feel ok, just share to keep motivated, only if you feel so. Good Luck friend.

_________________
Last day PMO - 08/05

Hey Cojerc,

Well from past two days I haven't been studying at all. Although I spend 7-8hours a day sitting on my study table. Out of which I do 5-6hours of productive study, I need to increase the study hours to cover up my whole syllabus. Hope yu've started your study, good luck.!!

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

I failed. I failed and I failed again.

This time I failed and also hurted someone really bad. I don't know what is happening to me and what's wrong going on. Everybody in this forum is doing so great while being all motivated. Working and fighting so hard against this addiction. I don't know what fuckin wrong is going on with me. Even after knowing that I have almost ruined my whole goddamn life cuz of this bloodyshit I am still unable to fight myself out of it. I haven't been viewing P for almost 2weeks now but this shitty MB and whatever happened yesterday. I can never forgive myself. I am totally unable to control myself. Sometimes I feel like dying.

Day before yesterday my "ex" wished to see me. I knew we will do it, even then I couldn't have resisted myself to deny the meeting, at first I did denied but later I didn't. She doesn't have any clue about my addiction and I know I did it with her cuz of my this bad habit. I am such a dumbass jerk. She might be thinking that things will workout between us again. But only I know the truth. I am doing so wrong to her. I'm literally abusing her and I don't have any right to do this to her. It was me who ended this relationship so it's obvious that she might try to get me back and I being such a moron abused hers this weakness. I can't share this thing to her. I know if I do so the things will get worse. She might understand it and will offer to help but that will amount to us getting back into that failed relationship. I had thousands of reasons for that breakup and other than that even I am in no state of being in any relationship. I am so wrecked mentally cuz of this addiction that if I get into any relationship I'll abuse that whole relationship. I know I have to fix myself up before even getting socialized this way.

I am so much guilt stricken that I literally cried yesterday after she left. I apologized to her the whole day. She kept saying to forget what happened as there's nothing wrong, but I know the truth. I am such a sick bastard. She is normal cuz she doesn't know anything and she might be expecting that someday we'll be together again, I am doing so wrong to her cuz I know we can never be together. The whole day I was so depressed, remorseful, guilty and apologetic. I texted her and apologized for almost 15-20times the whole day. She might be thinking that I apologized today to her but later on someday I'll do this again. If I'll stop contacting her at all then she will take it as I used her and then left her, which is kind of true. I am so wrong. Why can't I control my such devil behavior? My mind is still exploding with everything. I feel like running away from everything. I am such a demon.!!

Other than that I have this big exam coming up and only 50days are left with me to get prepared. I can't even waste a single day, the only single way to crack this exam is by studying 10-12hours a day for next 50days. I am so much mentally disturbed with all these things that I haven't touched my textbooks from last three days. If I'll flunk in this exam I will be all ashamed in between my community, friends, family and everywhere.

I don't know what I am doing to myself. I am triggering my own self and then later repenting for doing so. This vicious cycle has broken me so much that I am totally numb. I don't know what should I do. I just feel like crying.!!

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

Hi Flit,

I understand you completely because I've done thousand times more errors in my life than you. Every time I feel terribly after doing something wrong most often connected to sex life.
Now I'm sure - the only protection against backwash is to listen to Jesus' words in gospel, not only listen to - it helps nothing - the crucial thing is to live according to these words.
If you listened to your conscience ( God's voice ) you didn't invite your ex, you didn't text her previously, you didn't cause her suffer, you didn't act out.... you didn't....
If you want to drive safely you have to do according to road signs ( gospel).
Apologize to God, pray with faith , read and contemplate gospel , ask Him for godsend, do try to live according to gospel ....and it's bond you must succeed , not only in quitting P/M - in everything!!!!!

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Hi Flit,

I agree with mombasa.

And make a routine and stick to the routine whatever happens. Try to accomplish the routine in a day, it made me to feel better and to recognize the progress.

The other problem most of the addicts has is procrastination - also called as instant gratification by putting aside problems so that we do not have to deal with our problems. Procrastination also has a vicious cycle. It is equivalent hard to break that habit either.

Whenever i do anything to procrastinate such as watching a movie, browsing in internet, etc. i tell myself if i walk way from 'PROCRASTINATION' i feel better, i can accomplish my duty, i can be better organised, etc.

You should identify the personal situations that would make you procrastinate.
For e.g.
I procrastinate when i have studied for few hours continuously - i feel complacent then i do not study later until i feel i have wasted time
I procrastinate when i do not get an answer for some question, or i do not understand an hard problem - i feel frustrated and as an escapism i divert from something to get that instant gratification - actually porn came in the picture as one of the instant gratification and it itself has become a big problem.

And when we are in a study session should not have breaks at all. Hope you have heard the 'Pomadaro' Technique. Be dedicated to the 'Pomadaro'.

As Alex mentioned somewhere whatever recovery methods applied to PM can be applied to make or break any habit. It can be down.

Do the routine and steps for procrastination for 21 days continuously. Whatever happens in between just say 'Just for 21 days' lets do anything after that. If you want we both can start such a routine from today to motivate each other. lets finish 21 days and look back, if it worked i am sure we will not let this routine go. And when you are busy with your routine you will hardly have time for others including porn. And the 21 days is just a random number.

What i have told you here may be out of topic.But i know how serious problem is procrastination for us (who have 24/7 hours at hand) and porn is a sweet child of procrastination.

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Last day PMO - 08/05

Hi Flit,

Come back. It is not you Flit, it is the addiction, you are good person.

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Last day PMO - 08/05

Thank yu guys for such a great support when I was lost. I never left after posting my last post about everything. I was reading everything, it's just got little busy with a festival going around my place. I met her again and talked to her made her understand the situation. Guess everything is under control and back to normal. I am so relieved with that.


@ Mombasa. Thank yu mate for being there and supporting me. I am really going to try the spiritual way for this thing. Although I am not much into spirituality. But I really feel like having faith in something really boosts you, supports you and keeps you strong mentally. I am definitely going to try this way. I really need to be strong mentally as well as physically.

@ Cojerc, thank you for giving me that warm support. I know I AM NOT THAT PERSON thats why I was having such a guilt and that's because I am back. Haven't studied from last 5days cuz of that entire episode plus after effects and the festive going around here. Just got free from from everything. Trying to focus back to my routine.

I am hell of a procrastinator. That's one of the BIGGESSST problem I have. I even procrastinate very small things which don't even take much effort to do it. I totally agree with whatever yu said. I really feel this need of breaking the habit of procrastinating. We totally mirror that situation of instant gratification and spending less time in studying and spending more time in leisure for that study.

I never heard of this Pomodoro Technique before. After reading it in your post I downloaded that small ebook available on their website and tried studying that technique. It is sounding so great but wasn't able to read everything as it was pretty much in detail. May I please ask you to explain it in a gist as how to follow it. I am really bad in time management and want to fix that thing.
     I loved the idea of becoming accountable to each other. That will really help us to move forward and use our time judicially.
 Looking forward to your reply.




These days I have started doing ERP as well to do something more in my recovery. I just want to forget what all happened and look forward to what is going to happen in a positive way. Thanks "Absolution" for that positiveness. I can really feel a positive vibe here in this forum whenever I am here.

Thank you everyone for everything and please pray for me and good luck to you all for your recovery.

_________________
If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution