Feed the Right Wolf

At much encouragement from my wife, I figured it would be best if I began writing a journal regarding my battle against Porn Addiction.

Day 1

So far, today has been ratrher quiet. I mainly attribute this to the fact that it was essentially a day with me and my wife. My wife's presence has always been good at quieting the thoughts popping into my head. Other things such as the condition of our car, as well as my upcoming birthday, have also helped occupy my mind and direct it away from porn.

This wasn't to say I didn't have thoughts. But these thoughts were simple things that had no effect on me, that I could push aside for more constructive topics of thought without any difficulty. I still feel I have a long way to go, but I'm proud of my progress so far. I can just hope I can keep up my progress.

Day 2

My mind really rebelled against me last night. While I can't remember the details now, I know my dreams were very sex charged, up to the point where I woke up this morning, completely surprised with how my dreams were. I guess with how calm my mind was yesterday, it went nuts while I was asleep. Well, I can't really control my dreams, and I as long as I can control my waking actions, I'm still good.

Fortunately, my mind was pretty calm today. Partially due to residule surprise from my dream, and also due to spending time with my dear wife. A visit from my sister in law helped as well. I always find my mind is calmer the more people are around.

I'm still going strong, and I'm still hopeful I can hang in there.

Day 3

I feel proud of myself today. I went out alone to get parts for the car and to get it repaired. I was able to do it all without being tempted to sneak off to one of my 'haunts. I feel some pride in myself for that, as it's another step towards regaining the trust of my dear wife.

I did have a few thoughts pop into my head, one or two lingering enough to make me feel uncomfortable, but I've managed to stave off both porn and masturbation. Overall, a rather good day in my book. My wife suggested another way to help me stay off the porn. I think I'll give it a shot, along with the other things I've picked up. Any little bit helps.

I'm glad to hear you had a good day, Hihseas. I'll b rooting for you in the days to come.

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Thanks for that mate. I'll be rooting for you too.

Day 4

A nice, quiet, peaceful day with the wife. She's always good for keeping my head clear, and it's always nice cuddling up with her. Still a couple of stray thoughts now and again, but very minor. Still keeping on guard for whenever she's not around.

In other news, irritated I'm working on my birthday.

Sorry I was gone for a day.

Day 6

Something surprising happened today. While I was laying in bed with my wife, I had a flash, but it was all thoughts of HER. Needless to say, I was pleasently surprised. I did have a couple of other flashes throughout the day, but none had the same impact as the one this morning. This gives me hope that I might be getting the porn out of my system. I know I have a long way to go, but this gives me hope.

A very busy work day, as well as projects at home, certainly keep me active and my mind away from porn.

Hi high seas,

Good job on the progress you have made and for your honesty here:)

I have a couple questions for you if that is ok. I am a spouse and am trying to understand a few things.

What do you mean by a flash? Do you mean you see or think of things you have watched? My husband says he has never had one of these since the day I caught him last may. I find this hard to believe when he was using porn and masturbating for his primary sex life for over 20 years and participated in the behaviour every week more than once a week sometimes up to 4 times a week. Do you tell your wife when these flashes occur? My husband has said he has had no urges or struggles or flashes if I am correct in what you mean by them, am I wrong to not believe him do you think?

I don't really know what is going on with him he says it was easy to stop and has not thought about it at all or missed any aspect of it since but I feel like he is keeping these things hidden from me because I don't see how it could be possible but maybe I am wrong, maybe he is telling me the truth? I have asked a few times over the last 10 months but always get the same answer from him, no he has no struggles, urges, thoughts or flashes and never has. He says he never looked forward or planned his porn sessions and never thought of them after or before he participated in them. He only thought about it when he was at home alone and would act out, never any other time or anytime since. I kind of feel like I am the crazy one thinking that what he is saying is impossible and could not happen the way he is saying but I don't want to make him out to be a liar if he isint. I do really feel like his is withholding info from me and it is making me crazy.

Sorry for this and I thought maybe you would have some insight as you are very honest here and I can tell you are working hard to change:)

Cam

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Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Well, by flashes I mean memories of porn I had seen, as well as general sexual thoughts and urges. The strength of these vary, from simple memories that I can simply push away in an instant with ease, to thoughts and urges that persist and make me feel uncomfortable. These flashes come out of nowhere. You could be thinking of something and then all of a sudden your mind just takes a sharp turn into porn territory for no reason.

I do tell my wife whenever I have these flashes. I feel being honest with her is crucial, since she's helping me fight my addiction, and it goes a long way to repair the damage I have caused all these years.

I can't really say if other people have these flashes or if it's just me. If it is an addiction, I would imagine that he does experience them, but is probably too scared to say something. He could possibly not want to appear weak, but these flashes come against our wills. It's not something we actively conjure up, they just appear out of the blue.

Just let him know that you're there to support him, and keep him strong to prevent him from relapsing. I don't know how long these flashes will last, but he (and myself) has to hang in there. It takes time and strength to properly get over an addiction, and he needs all the support he can get.

Thanks high seas for your reply, I really appreciate it:)

Keep up the good work, be strong:)

Cam

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Day 7

Not much to report today. I spent the whole day working on a project for my wife. The work was easily more than enough to keep my mind off of porn. I'm feeling pretty good about the amount of work I'm getting done, now that I'm off of porn.