Feed the Right Wolf

I somewhat disagree with this interpretation of the above-mentioned afflictions. Regarding cancer, I'll just quickly point out that recent medical research has shown that many cancers are directly related to unhealthy diets containing excess sugar and processed food. More and more cases of cancer are being traced back to excess sugar counts and a lack of nutrients that otherwise can help prevent cancerous cells from growing. Of course, a child has no choice as to their own diet and thus the above points do not apply to children.

But regarding the second point, to say that a sex addict is "ultimately...in control" is not necessarily true. Many people get hooked on pornography at a young age due to feeling stressed out, alone, depressed, and they turn to porn as an escape from the stresses of life. Often times, they are shown pornography by their friends who declare it to be "harmless fun" or they might stumble upon their father's pornography magazines one day and become intrigued. Meanwhile, sex is glorified all over the place: on tv and in movies, in magazines, and in all kinds of advertising. Teenagers who abstain from sex or pornography sometimes get labeled as losers, virgins (used pejoratively), and prudes who aren't any fun. With all of this, is it any wonder that the majority teenage boys have viewed porn by the time they are 16?

Once people are addicted, it isn't easy to break free. Porn is not normally discussed as life-threatening or career-damaging the way hard drugs are. Everyone is afraid to talk about the topic and often it is just swept away as a harmless pastime. Once the addiction becomes deeply ingrained it can be extremely difficult to get a handle on, and many people who were addicted to both alcohol and sex claim that the latter is much more difficult to abstain from.

So maybe addicts did choose initially to turn to pornography, whereas a child did not choose to get cancer. But aside from this initial choice, often made at a young age in the face of serious temptations from society and the media, this addiction cannot be chosen--it strips the ability to make rational decisions, and causes the addict to do terrible things that go against their core values and beliefs. All the addict can do is make the choice to get sober, and commit themselves fully to recovery. But this doesn't mean that everything that happens along the way is a conscious choice on the part of the addict.

I think part of the confusion comes from using the word "choice" to mean both conscious choices and choices made under the spell of addiction. I would never consciously choose to look at pornography, but when my emotional brain takes over, and the addiction neurons start to fire, I lose control of my brain and "chose" to act out. In short, this addiction has the power to override our good intentions.

So obviously sex addiction is not the same thing as having cancer, nobody would argue that. But to say that this addiction is ultimately controllable would be equally dubious, since many people become ensnared before they even realize what happened. If someone had told me what this addiction would do to my life back when I was a teenager, I would've avoided it like the plague. While I still had the choice not to use porn, the total lack of encouragement to abstain, the lack of information regarding its addictive potential, and the profusion of sexual content in all of forms of media was not, unfortunately, under my control. I realize not everyone will share my perspective on this, but I wanted to give my two cents nonetheless.

-James

James,

Your post articulates many angles on sex addiction, its root causes, society's propagation of the images and messages of it is extremely well done.

My husband, when he "went off the deep end" last year, says he still didn't know he was addicted. He knew he had a "problem," but he didn't know its nature. He began using porn at age 8. He's now 61. This material has been with him most of his life in a variety of media. He received all the messages typical to a young male: Hey, you're a guy, we do this, it's harmless, you're just "looking," no harm no foul, women don't understand, what she doesn't know won't hurt her, et cetera. He, unfortunately, bought into all the conditioning. Even though he knew it didn't make him feel good in the end, that it only isolated him further and left him feeling lonelier than before he began a session, he didn't use his own brain and push back against the lies of conditioning. I wish he had been more cognizant.

Thank you, James, for a well-written, informative post.

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No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. —Buddha