Feed the Right Wolf

I've been with my husband for two years, married for one. Two and a half months ago I found out I was pregnant, and that my husband has a porn addiction. I knew he was watching porn and it bothered me only a little - I didn't mind too much as long as it didn't affect our sex life.

But then when I found out just how bad it was, I realised it has always affected our sex life. I realised that the reason I had always been complaining that he didn't come onto me was probably because of his addiction. That he rejected me because of his addiction. That he ignored my sexual needs and even suffered from ED. What made me realise was when I had asked him for sex, he called me overly horny, he went upstairs to "work" and I saw on the desk, about an hour later, THREE used tissues.

When I'm upset I tend to go quiet to consider what I will say, and that's what happened this time. I couldn't speak for a few hours. When I confronted him and told him that I thought he had a pornography addiction, that it had gone too far and he needed to remove all porn from his computer, all naked photos and see a therapist or I would not want to keep our baby. I have been in an abusive relationship before and I refuse to be a victim for my entire life because of bad timing.

Well, the first week he deleted everything on the computer. Then he stayed up till three one night, when I woke up early because I went to bed at 10 I checked his history. of course he had watched porn.

So I looked up http://www.yourbrainonporn.com, we watched it together, and he agreed to come home after work that day so we could make a plan.
He didn't get home until 10 and stayed up till 3 again. We finally talked, he made a plan, but didn't book a therapist. He asked me to keep checking his history.

He deletes his history, but a wife knows when things aren't right. He just never talks to me about anything. Occasionally I find something, bring it up that I found it, point out that he's a compulsive liar and that he doesn't have to be. From the beginning I have been clear that it must stop, but supportive in every step he makes. He's seeing a therapist now (but has skipped his last two appointments because of work) and this past two weeks or so, I know he's been watching porn again because he's reverted back to his old sexual behaviour and been just awful in how he treats me.

Can anyone give me advice on how to get him to talk to me about it? I feel like if I mention it I just get lies back, and if I don't I go crazy with hurt knowing there is something wrong and he won't talk to me about it. I am so distracted all the time and the pregnancy hormones make me feel emotions so much worse. I feel like since I decided to support him and to keep our baby that he feels safe knowing I will stay, and has stopped trying to move forward, and therefore gone back. I don't want to be his mother on his back, but if I'm only supportive and not strong then nothing happens and we stay stuck.

It just hurts so much. all the time.

Hi Dani,

Your child in you is not guilty to pay for guilts of your husband. Don't kill your child.Never.Your child is your life. Killing him/her you'll kill your heart/ love in you too.

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Wow really not the advice I was looking for.

Well being a man that is going through the porn addiction its good that you are trying to help. But its really up to him to stop. I lost my girlfriend because porn was controlling me. Only after i lost her did i realize this. I hope this never happens to you because i dragged my ex around for a year going back and forth. You can do this though. You are strong and capable of anything. I suggest you either put down the law on him or maybe ask what you can do to help but tell him he needs to take charge of the problem. I hope the relationship you have with him does not end for everyones sake involved. good luck and stay strong!

Hi Dani,

First of all I wanted to say thank you for sharing. Reading your story helped me to remind of how bad of a partner I used to be in my own relationship...

I don't really have a good answer to your question, even though I see it getting asked all the time. There is no way for you to change his mind for him. All you can do, however, is do your side of the bargain. You must continue to give him feedback on his behavior, you should not accept things that you are not okay with. Just because you are having his baby, doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Having a family is a privilege, which he must continue to earn. It is as simple as that.

I am glad to hear that he is seeing therapist, please make sure to encourage him to continue to keep going to his sessions.

That being said, while I think you should continue to be very firm about your expectations, try not to be too hard on him. Overcoming pornography addiction was one of the hardest things that I had to do, I cant even imagine how stressful it could be for somebody with a pregnant wife and workload so heavy that they have to skip their therapy session.

I would encourage you to stay firm, but gentle, both with yourself, your husband, and most importantly your future baby.

If you feel like you ever need a place to share, you can always find it here.

May God bless you and your family,
Alex

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