Feed the Right Wolf

I don't know what to do my H is doing really well at his recovery well wait a minute let me try that again. My H has been abstaining from checking out porn but he just isn't doing his lessons in his recovery program. I have already talked to him about my concerns but he still hasn't done anything about it. I am worried I think he has become complacent thinking that since he's not viewing porn then he doesn't have to work as hard on his recovery. Well if he thinks about it we have been down this road before and it just doesn't work.
I don't know if I should push the issue however he is in college and this new class he is taking is really hard for him. So whenever he is on the computer he is working on his schoolwork and nothing else. Which this is good because one of his problems used to be wandering around on the internet until he found himself in trouble. So I am glad to see him only working on his schoolwork but I feel his recovery is just as important as this stupid class. I mean this is a determining factor in our marriage. What should I do? I am always in fear of pushing too hard because when I do he used to lash out at me. He has been doing really well with his anger issues as of late. But I never know if or when I do push when he's going to push back.That and the fact that I told him he has to be responsible for his own recovery. I don't want to go back to micromanaging his efforts because I feel that enables him to not do it. Any thoughts or help out there?me77

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Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

There is nothing more beautiful than a person whose heart has been broken but still believes in love.

Oh jeez, this is the question I ask myself all the time. What do I say regarding this, do I say anything or wait until I am pissed off and can't keep it in anymore while I wait for him patiently. It is just as important if not more important than his schoolwork and this is what I have been trying to get through my husband's head. This should be the most important thing in his and our lives right now. A marriage is always in your life unless you end it, schoolwork, work, tv, sports, playing games etc are a small part of your life not your whole life, your marriage affects your whole life.

I don't want to remind my husband either, I want him to take it as seriously as me and to make it his priority on his own. I am not a babysitter and don't want to bug and push and remind all the time. I want to see him do the work on his own because he wants to do it and wants me and wants to improve himself and his life and our marriage. I don't want to have to make anyone do anything.

I have been able to stay with him through this hell so he can step up and do what needs to be done for me now and for himself, I gave myself to him and if he can't do this for me and us and himself then really there is no need for us to waste anymore of our lives and it's time to move on.

Me77 I don't know what to say because I ask myself the same question it seems every couple of weeks. I am trying to be more patient and I am acknowledging when he does do things to hopefully give him some incentive to keep it going on his own but I refuse to be a reminder any longer. That is me though and after months of bugging, pleading, crying, getting angry, kicking him out of the house three times now I have learned that it does not matter what I do and it is up to him and I don't want to make him want to be with me anymore, if he dosen't want to do what needs to be done then that is up to him. I will support him and help him if he asks and shares with me but if he dosen't then there is nothing I can do. He has a deadline and if nothing improves by then I guess he made his choice and proved how important I am to him and how important this marriage is to him.

The ball is in these men's courts not ours.

Hope he starts making his lessons as important as his schoolwork, if it is important enough to you you can always find and make the time. They did for their porn right.

Your friend,

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Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Me,

Find a COSA group. You can't control his recovery. Man, if I could, my husband would work on this non-stop and beat it. http://www.cosa-recovery.org/

My husband works hard on his recovery when things are really bad, or if he slipped and has really stepped it up when he got caught relapsing. In my opinion, my husband is way too complacent about his recovery. That really doesn't matter though, it's my opinion. That doesn't make any difference when it comes to his recovery. It's his, he has to own it, he has to work it. I have to do the same for myself in my recovery for living in this marriage for so long. It is very damaging to live in such an unhealthy relationship.

I wish you the best!

G

Update: Since I posted this I had a talk with my H and I didn't tell him my concerns just went thru a little trip to the past and asked a few unanswered questions. I got the answers I needed and he has posted to his recovery program. So I want to clarify I think I may of just been having a bad day that day. And I guess I just expect him to be moving along as fast as I did and I know better then to think that way we all move at are own pace. And I just want to make sure you all understand that aside from this addiction my H is a sweet, kind man. Everyone who knows him has never had anything bad to say about him. He's a good guy, he's friendly, and helpful. If he knows ya he would give you the shirt off of his back. So I don't want anyone to assume that I have hatred in my heart for him. He has come a long ways. He only became a real asshole when we had our first d-day on thru to most recently while he tried to protect his secret little life. I'm not saying what he did wasn't wrong it truly hurt me deeply. But this has been our only real problem in our marriage and trust me it is enough! I do truly love him and I really want to believe that he can finally see the forest thru the trees. But only time will tell. Thank you all for your kind words!me77

_________________
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

There is nothing more beautiful than a person whose heart has been broken but still believes in love.

To Me77 - check out recovery nation - there is a course for partners that I am working through and I think could help you too. The pain the questions- can become and obsession for you. His recovery- if he wants it, can only be his. It sounds like you're full of love and hope- I just hope you can afford yourself the same.

Kind thoughts

Been there done that. But thank you! I did find it to be very helpful and I am at that site still I do some volunteer work and my H is doing his recovery program there. I finished my healing workshop a couple of months ago. It is a great program.me77

_________________
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

There is nothing more beautiful than a person whose heart has been broken but still believes in love.