Feed the Right Wolf

I am new here and just wanted to share my story. I am currently signed up in another program as well called Recovery Nation, which is an incredible site! They provide you with resources and lessons with exercises to aid in your healing. As well as lessons for the addict that help them to get to the root of their addiction and work on how to overcome their emotional immaturity and selfish behavior. It is a really wonderful site however, I have completed the workshop and my husband is still working thru his. So I kinda feel like I am in limbo right now waiting for him to get well. So I thought maybe I could come here to vent and just to have a shoulder to cry on while going thru this traumatic transition in my life.

My Story and the many d-days that come with it!
So I have been married to the love of my life, my very best friend for 14 years now. We were each others first kiss when we were just 13 years old, we moved on to other relationships but always remained good friends. Later on after high school we found one another again and moved in together, we were young and partied a lot, drank too much and generally did our own thing. So I would go out with my friends and he would go with his. So after we had been living together for about a year I get this crazy phone bill for like $400, I couldn't understand it so I called the phone co. and they said someone had been using my phone to call phone sex lines! I was freaking out no no one here called any sex line and after much talking they reversed the charges. When J (that's what I will call my husband) got home from work I told him about my conflict with the phone co. and asked him if he knew anything about it, he denied said he didn't know who could of done that maybe the kid who lived down the road. Of course I believed him this is my best friend why would he lie? This was the beginning!!!

Fast forward a few years to our happy marriage or so I thought.
I find a cache of porn videos and magazines in our home. I was devastated and so I rounded up all that I could find and sat it in the middle of the living room and waited for him to come home. He didn't know what to do he couldn't even look at me. He was so ashamed and felt so guilty. He promised he would stop well needless to say it wasn't long before I found more. This cycle of events went on over and over again. At one point I collected a black garbage bag full of videos, dvd's, and magazines. I became so tired of fighting with him over it that I just gave in. So then it was part of our sex life and then it was as if we couldn't even have sex without it playing in the backround. I hated it but I was so tired of arguing with him I would just close my eyes and pretend it was just him and I.

This went on for several years and then he lost his job and we decided he should go to college. Living in a rural area it would be best for him to go to school online. Well I have avoided having the internet hooked up at our house until this point because I knew it would be a problem. I knew that if we had the internet he would be looking at porn. But this was the best choice for us at the time so I had it hooked up and he started school online. It wasn't long before he started hitting the porn just like I had thought. I had borrowed my mother's laptop until we could afford to buy our own.

And then I woke up one morning to find that my mom's laptop was crashed. I was frantic I worked on it for 6 hours and finally got it back up. I asked him what he was doing online the night before because he was still on it when I went to bed. He said nothing I just went to craigslist that's it. So after I recovered her laptop I went online to see where he had been and there it was porn! I said just craigslist huh? I stupidly left it at that thinking that he might have learned something from the crash.

Well it wasn't long before I started to feel like something was off again. So one night he had gone out to help a friend move a car and I looked thru the computer's history. He had gotten pretty good at covering his tracks but missed one little thing. So I typed it into the search engine and it opened up this page that said "welcome back J" and it was literally covered with hundreds of pics of naked women in sex chat rooms. I was so devastated. I called him up on his cell and said so I found your account at myfreecams.com get your ass home now! We got into a huge fight and I was just shattered. He promised to quit yet again. I took all the porn that was in our home and burned it. I told him I was done with this filth being a part of our life. That's when I started doing some research online about porn addiction. I found this wonderful site called Recovery Nation and I joined it. I encouraged him to do so too. He didn't actually join up until 3 months after me and after 3 more relapses.

Probably the most devastating event for me was valentines day when we went out together and picked out some sexy lingerie for me and came home had a nice dinner and I went and took a shower got into my new lingerie and came out into the living room and tried to get him to come to bed with me. He said oh ya baby I'm right behind you I just have to finish up this homework assignment. I went to bed and woke up the next day alone. When I walked into the living room there he was still up he hadn't even slept! He frantically tried to shut down the computer but I already knew.

So as of now I have completed my healing workshop at recovery nation and he is still working thru his lessons there. I hope that we will survive this addiction but I'm not putting any faith in him. I have just been let down too many times before. me77

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Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

There is nothing more beautiful than a person whose heart has been broken but still believes in love.

Thanks me77 for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear your also going through the same pain as me. I can read every word you wrote and totally relate to the pain, devestation and trauma you are going through. Although we both wish we wernt here sharing our stories and that we had different lives. It helps us feel not alone. Just as SA live a double life, so do we in lots of ways. For me no one in my family knows about my partners problem. Only one friend does. It's a problem most people don't understand. I saw a generalist relationship therapist years before who pretty much didn't beleive in sex addiction and basically said my partner was just an unfaithful perverted bastard. I feel I couldn't talk to all my close friends as a lot wouldn't understand and say "why don't you just leave".

MissE,
Thank you for your reply! I have come a long way but I do still have my days where I can cry out of the blue from having flashbacks. But those days have become fewer and fewer. It helps that my H appears to be in a healthy recovery. But I told him last month or so after yet another slip that I couldn't do it no more. He has 3 months to prove to me that he is an active and healthy recovery or it is over. I just didn't know how else to get thru to him, he is one of the biggest procrastinators I know and when he does this then he slacks off on his recovery and then he slips up. So I thought maybe this would give him incentive and it seems to be working but we will see. He has until the first of the year.
Yes this is not a topic you want to share with a lot of people. I didn't have anyone except my support thru recovery nation up until about a month and a half ago. Then I was finally able to open up to my sister and it was like someone lifted a freight train off of my chest. But I have not talked to her about it anymore than that day. But just knowing that she supports me is enough. I could never let anyone else in my family know, no way. They all have placed my H on a pedastal especially my parents. They all would be so devastated I just couldn't bare it.
So alas this leaves us as partners all alone in this struggle unless we can find these wonderful sites like this one where others like us will be there and support us.
Take care of you!me77

_________________
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

There is nothing more beautiful than a person whose heart has been broken but still believes in love.