Feed the Right Wolf

I'm in need of ideas for coping with recovery. Even though things have changed so much in the last six months, I find myself anxious for very little and at random times. Sometimes I'm not sure what even sets me off. Sometimes it is just a change in his behavior, which he always has a reason for, but I've come to know that I can't trust his words, just behavior. It is challenging for my husband because he instantly feels the guilt. For me, I don't know how to either get rid of those feelings or to control them. I think that sometimes I'm being irrational, but I've been lied to so many times on this topic that the only thing I trust are my feelings and his behavior patterns and then think that maybe I'm just being lied to again. Either way it is not good for our marriage.

My husband is very good about being proactive most of the time. Things have improved a great deal. So, how can I work on healing? I have been to talk to a counselor when I first found out about the major relapse that put all of this in motion. It helped with the depression that set in after finding out. (Let me rephrase. I always knew porn was in the picture and always had a problem with it, but "it was just what all guys did". Then a year ago we moved the computer to the living room as my anxiety was growing and impacting daily life. Fast forward six months, I caught him. He purchased another computer just for the porn. My world crashed. I was lied to, deceived and felt like I had been cheated on. Three months later I began getting anxious again and was told I was "paranoid". Three weeks later I found out about the relapse. Just three weeks prior I was being lied to again. Trust at this point is completely gone.) I learned how to deal with the depression and keep from sinking into it again. I did not feel the counselor could really understand/ help with the situation though. This person had previous experience with addiction, but not this type. I also keep a journal as it is my only outlet. Talking with my husband only creates friction and we are both too emotionally involved that we can't give what the other truly needs. He feels the punishment for this does not fit the crime. I feel that the length he's had to deal with this is a drop int he bucket compared to my journey through this. (10 years compared to 6 months) At this point he told me he's given up trying to make things easier for me and being proactive because it doesn't seem to help. All that said, I look at the stage that I'm at and feel that the only people who can really help and understand are those in it.

I want to trust again. I want to live a normal life, one without fear. I think the hardest part of all of this is that I have no control of anything, but my own feelings, which feel out of control as well. I can't control if I'm lied to, or relapses, or the effects there after and yet all of it is a part of my daily life. I have thought about leaving, more then once. However, I love my husband and believe in him and it would impact our children not just me. I also know the reality of this. It has the highest relapses/recovery rates. So where does that leave me? Will this eventually destroy us? Will my reactive behavior destroy us?

The hardest part about moving forward is that the trust is gone. With the trust being gone, I feel like I've been left out in the field. I may be overreacting, or "paranoid" as I've been called, but I also have been spot on too. So, how can I move forward?

I've made a list of goals for myself.

A. Be able to trust again
B. Be able to feel comfortable leaving the house whenever I want without this thing leaving me uneasy and nagging the back of my head
C. Not get uneasy around any electronic device, be it computer to phone, when he's in another room by himself
D. To not get anxious about this any more
E. To look forward to winter even though it means a lot more indoor time and therefore more time on the computer/ipad.

Any advice, or experiences would be welcome and helpful. At this point I only have a journal and feel like I'm wandering in the dark.

Thanks,
Hopeful

Hopeforall,

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but glad that you are reaching out. I am much newer to this situation than you, but it is also in my nature to do hours of research on situations I am facing and take in all the information I can. Here are some suggestions:

I have read the book, "Love You, Hate the Porn" by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer and highly recommend it. They also have a blog with several posts geared toward partners/couples: http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/ ... habit.html

Curethecraving.com also has some great resources for spouses that are free at http://curethecraving.com/for-wives/

Healthy Minds also has a great support page for partners: http://healthymind.com/s-spouses.html

Another thing that I would strongly suggest is going to a 12 Step Meeting for partners/family of those in recovery. I have attended Al-Anon meetings in the past when dealing with another loved one's addiction and it is a great place to find people who know where you're coming from to share with and talk to when you need to. Here are links to various groups you may consider:

http://www.cosa-recovery.org/
http://sanon.org/
http://recovering-couples.org/

Hope that helps! I am also trying to be more active on this board as well, so keep coming back here and sharing your experience with others.

Lovebug,

Thanks for all the information. I have read the book Love You, Hate The Porn. I also read Breaking the Cycle. I too did a lot of research. However, I have not seen all the sites you posted and will definitely check those out. Thank you. I have also ordered three more books from amazon. I'll post what I think of them when they both arrive and I've read them.

Each day is different and I never know what to expect. As much as I'm looking for more strategies then just my journal, I have to say that it is very helpful. Sometimes I'm caught up in the moment and I can write it down and be able to move forward with my day. Then I can go back the next day, and read what I wrote, and see it from a slightly different perspective (not as bad as I felt the day before). It is a timeline of progress, regression, and moving forward. Sometimes I'll go weeks without writing at all, and then I'm writing daily or multiple times a day again.

I can say that things are so different then they were six months ago. They are the best they have been our entire marriage, and yet I have these moments or days where some behavior triggers me and it sets me off into anxiety. Then he instantly senses it, and it makes him feel guilty.

I'm not sure if time is the key. I think that even though things are better, I know there are still slip ups. It is those slip up's that I'm fearful of, because I don't want to end up where we were before.

In the end, I know that this is his to conquer. That is not to say that I don't want to help or be there, I do. However, the choice is ultimately his.

The hardest part is re-establishing trust & honesty. The trust is completely gone when it comes to this subject and I told him that the other day. I could see the pain in his eyes from that comment, but it was the truth. I've learned he can tell me whatever he wants and only his actions count.

This is not a journey I'd wish on anyone, but I think there is hope for everyone. I just feel that some have a tougher time overcoming the challenge then others.

Best wishes to you and thanks so much for the information!