Feed the Right Wolf

I am trying to prepare myself for my husband's next 'slip up'. I know I will be incredibly angry, not directly at him, but with the situation/disease/behavior. Does anyone have anything they use for techniques in handling intense emotions? I have been told to pound a pillow but this did nothing to alleviate my feelings. I was thinking of taking a hammer and pounding some walnuts but he worries about the noise for the neighbors. I would love some suggestions. thanks so much. just trying to take care of myself in advance.

Blupaisan

Would you get angry if your child got cancer?
Rather view it as illness that needs to be sorted out.

If he is trying, give him support.
If he is willing, go to counseling with him.

If he does nothing about it and is not prepared to help himself, prepare for a long struggle.

Just like an alcoholic. He needs to come to that realization

Peter

Paisan,

A marital counselor that I once saw gave me a great way to deal with frustrations concerning my expectations of other people: It is next to impossible for you to change another person. If you want to, you may make suggestions and be supportive of behaviors that you favor but they have to embrace opportunities to change behavior on their own. What can we do to preserve our sanity and realize some level of peace and happiness? We can change our expectations.

For years I got frustrated every time that my wife and I set any kind of appointment whether it was to meet for lunch or doctors appointment or join the family for Thanksgiving dinner or for her to pick me up from the airport. Why? Because my wife cannot keep a schedule to save her life. I would get so frustrated and upset; usually I became a grouch and then I could not enjoy or focus on the planned event. I changed my expectations. I don't expect her to be on time anymore. Guess what? No more frustration. If it is an important event then I set the "go" time a half an hour early.

I am not suggesting that we relinquish all of our expectations of our partners. That would not be healthy. However, maybe we change the level of expectation. Your husband may have a "slip up" but has he given up or is he no longer trying? Maybe you could adjust your expectation to allow for an occasional "slip" as long as you see progress and consistent effort being made?

Another suggestion would be to adjust your attitude. Allow yourself to look past the "slip up" to the silver lining. This is a technique that my wife uses a lot with me. She knows that I am not perfect. I revealed a "slip" to her just the other day. She was of course hurt and disappointed and she told me as much, which made me feel as low as dirt, however that evening she came to me and wanted to "snuggle" and she told me how much she loved me; she was proud of my recent business activities. What that did internally for me was reinforce my security in my marriage, bolster my resolve to do better at my recovery efforts and also continue to work hard at our business endeavors. With her support of my "good" behaviors do you think I will make an honest effort for her? YOU KNOW I WILL!

Nevada

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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -AA or Albert Einstein

Hi Blupaisan,

The most simple and most effective: breathe. Take deeps breaths for as long as you need to. Remove yourself from an environment if it's not possible for you to take time to breathe, and find somewhere you can.

I just wrote in another post that I believe all "negative" emotions can be traced back to some fear that we hold. If you can manage to trace a negative emotion back to a fear, then you can take a look at what you're afraid of and decide whether it's founded in reality or if it's irrational. Most times with me, it's entirely irrational. Once I realize that a fear is unfounded and that the negative emotion has it's root in that fear, the negative emotion fades on its own.

If you haven't, I would suggest watching the You Brian on Porn video found at http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series and another video made by a doctor who is also an addict found at http://yourbrainonporn.com/addiction-video-series-medical-doctor. This is not to excuse your husband's behavior, but I think it's very important to get an objective perspective on this disease and I know that a lot of partners (including mine) have found this information to be helpful.

I hope all is well and you have to use these tips as seldom as possible.

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Blupaisan,

It's okay to be angry. It's even okay to be angry at your husband, and it's okay to express that. you need to express it, because it's not healthy to bottle up what you're feeling. The important thing is to express it in a healthy way.

Absolution's advice is great. Take a few deep breaths, leave the room if you have to, and when you can, calmly say "This behavior is really inappropriate, and you know it hurts me. I know you have limited control over it, but you're still accountable for your actions, and I need you to know that I'm angry." Yelling will only alienate your husband and probably lead to more yelling; the key is to communicate calmly.

You may really need to yell and scream and cry, though. I usually do. You may need to find a friend or a counselor you can have a "vent session" with so you can throw things and yell "That stupid cheating jerk!" as loud and as much as you need to, without damaging your relationship or your partner's recovery. It'll get it out of your system and make you feel heard.

One thing a friend- whose husband struggled for years with an addiction to video games- recommended to me was a journal. If you feel you need to say something but you know that saying it to your partner right then, or in the way you're phrasing it in your mind, would be unhelpful, write it down in a notebook. Tell your partner what the notebook is for, and let him know that he's welcome to read it but that it isn't written to him or for him. Don't keep it a secret; secrets only do damage.

Hopefully that helps.

Here! I wrote something for you; hopefully it helps. Thanks for giving me a blogging idea. http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2011/11 ... our-anger/

As an SO to a PA and SA, my anger after discovery was intense. His disclosures continued for almost four months, which only increased my sense of devastation and my anger. Later, I realized that he had so successfully lied and denied to himself, he often couldn't access his own truth and so could not extend it to me.

The two things that have worked best for me in my moments of fury (which last about 3-4 hours) is to play music that addresses angst, and I need it very loud (there are no children in my home). My chosen artist is Nine Inch Nails because Trent Reznor's lyrics are on target, timeless and universal. They help me "bleed out" my emotion.

The second thing I've needed several times is for my husband to leave the house for a few hours. When I'm that angry, just seeing him makes me angrier, and I saw no point to him taking the brunt of my fury after I'd said everything I felt needed to be said.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Stay strong.

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No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. —Buddha

Hi Blue:)

Loud music helps me too!!! And yes even harsh angry music haha.

I really did not like the comment posted above about comparing this addiction to a child's cancer however. A child has no choice, a child with cancer is not selfish or deceiving, a child with cancer has nothing that is within their control or their parents. To say that p&m addiction is like a child's cancer is ridiculous and yes I agree that it is very hard to deal with and not easy at all but those of you with p&m addiction have a choice and ultimately are in control, it is up to you how you chose to live your life and how you want to be. Very annoyed with that comment.

Now I need some Metallica haha!!!

Cappy

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Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Hi Blupaisan.

When I'm angry or in stress (what happens quite often) a little quieting down in meditation / prayer helps me. Or I just sit down and concentrate on my breath until I feel calmer, sometimes I go for a walk somewhere into the nature. Loud music and a punch to the wall can also help, but make sure that you have normal neighbours and enough strong walls (my friend was once so angry that he punched a hole in his wall, just saying).

The anger itself is a normal thing, but its ways of expression can be bad or good..

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There is no failure, just feedback and learning process.

Hi Cappy,

I agree with the comparison of childhood cancer. I'm a cancer survivor, so I can relate to what you wrote...I didn't choose it, cause it through any behavior, hence, there's no similarity between that disease and the core addictions of s*x and porn.

Loud music has been my best salvation through rages. I've been realizing lately that I've been deeply traumatized by the extent of my SA/PA's acting out, how deep and broad the behaviors have been and how long they've manifested.

I'm glad to say that my husband began his recovery more than five months ago and is doing extremely well. Unfortunately, he's way ahead of me...the porn healing paradox. He feels so much better, and I'm still caught in his past, trying with all my might to walk through it with some balance and dignity.

All good things to you, Cappy.

Blue

_________________
No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. —Buddha