I hear what you are saying, I just don't know if I can do it.
It is so hard because I do not just leave people, any people, it is not in my nature to do so. My sister at one time had a horrible boyfriend that used to beat the shit out of her and he would not allow me to see her so I would send pamphlets every week to her by mail for battered women and I would address the envelopes with my left hand so she did not know it was me sending them. She was so messed up and scared that she cut us out of her life, her family and we are a very very close family, we didn't talk for months and months but I did not give up on her, I couldn't.
I feel the same way with my husband, he has been with me for so long and I can't just give up on him. Not even for me but for him, I want him to be well and I want him to have a good life. Plus where would he go?
I also think of my kids and they need a family together, this would devastate them. I don't even know what to say to them.
This is extemely hard for me, all of this. I know I can't make him do anything and I honestly don't want to make him do anything, I want him to want it and me himself. I agree that he cannot come back here unless he has a plan, really wants to improve and talks to me openly and honestly about what went on with no games of his. He has to want to change for himself definitely and for no one else and he will not come back here unless that is genuine and true. I don't think I can kick him out for a month or two if he is sincere about getting help and asking for help, if he is genuine about wanting to change and is putting in the effort. I want to support him and help him within reason if he is putting in the effort and committment himself. I have set my boundaries and he knows them and if he honours them and is making a real effort to change and I can see it then that is all I am asking for and need. I understand if he has slips and that it is hard, I do not expect him to change overnight since he has been this way even before he met me so a lot of work is needed. However, if I can see and feel that his heart is in this marriage and that he wants to improve himself and be with me then I will not deny him a life with me and be in our home.
Maybe I am being stupid I don't know and I will pay for it in the end but I cannot just give up on someone I love so much like that. I am going to continue to work on myself and am quite proud of what I have accomplished so far. I know I don't deserve this and I know I am a good person and I know that I am a strong person. I will not put up with shit anymore, I won't do it but I am willing to work on my marriage if my boundaries are met and my stipulations ie: him getting real help, him wanting real help, me seeing him getting real help, him putting in the effort with me and me seeing and feeling it, then I am here for him 100 percent and will stay with him and support him anyway he needs me to. I want to do that and I want to be able to be the wife I always wanted to be. I love this man more than anything, more than myself so I will not give up on him yet but I will not sell myself out either.
I really wish my husband would come on here and talk to you guys. He has some major issues and needs someone other than me maybe to tell him what he is doing.
Thanks JJ for your help, you are a great person and I thank you for all of your words and advice.
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson