Feed the Right Wolf

My head is full - my heart is SO heavy and my emotions are shattered, scattered and at times I feel like a complete nut case. His addiction has all but consumed me. The man I love has died and a monster has taken his place. A monster that denies there is a problem but protects his addiction like it's the Holy Grail. I find myself looking, searching for something - something that will make it easy to walk away or something to tell me WE are still worth the good fight.

We've been together almost 3 years - married for 1.

We began living together 5 months before we married. I sold a beautiful home and well adjusted life to take a chance on love.

When I moved in, and while cleaning and organizing into our new life, I found his VHS tape collection that were of the homemade variety. He had them stored along with printouts of scenes from them.

I told him we can't move forward with our new life as long as he's holding onto things like that from his old life.

He burned them - but a times like this, the images can't be erased from my mind.

He had a duffel bag with 30+ DVDs he kept hidden. I booby-trapped the bag in a way I could tell if it was being 'used' or not - it was left untouched for months. I think that was because it was easier to access the stuff online than it was to mess with the collection.

That duffel bag has served as the match that has ignited the recent inferno I'm thinking could be the beginning of the end for us.

He's gone so far as to sneak and buy a portable DVD player, hid it in his trunk. When I noticed him acting so sneaky and strange, I confronted him and wanted to look in his car. When I saw the player, he tried to convince me it was for his son. His son has a DVD player, a laptop and a smartphone. He doesn't need a portable DVD player. I knew it was because his access to porn is minimizing and his appetite is growing. I knew instantly it was so he could watch from work.

The DVDs were removed from their cases and in a mishap in the garage, a blanket on the shelf was bumped, the dvds scattered all over the floor. When I heard the crash, I opened the door to find him hurrying to gather them up. He look like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I got in my car and left to keep from exploding.

He had moved them to another hiding place. The next day I asked him where they were - he wasn't going to tell me until I was ready to explode. I took them and have destroyed them. I told him it was wrong that he was acting like he was more concerned with protecting those dvds rather than our marriage.

We have 3 boys that live with us. 2 high school - 1 college.

There have been times one of us would catch him viewing porn in the family room while watching television as a family. That made me sick! I told him there was a real problem if he couldn't refrain from watching with a kid sitting right across the room. Even if the kid couldn't SEE the computer - just the thought of that action made my skin crawl.

I've told him if he MUST do such things - those were intended to be private and he needed to go back to the bedroom and shut the door. He prefers toggling from screen to screen acting as if we don't know what's going on.

His actions toward me have grown harsh, cold and distant - he likes to point out all the beautiful women on television. So much so that I get physically ill if he tries to even watch one local news channel when a particular newscaster is on. I've told him I feel more like a handy roommate then I do a wife.

Our sex life is horrible. We've been averaging *intercourse* once per quarter.

He thinks me giving him oral sex counts. And he wants that all the time - it has happened about 2 to 3 times per week. Until last week when his actions escalated to the point of him asking me if I would allow another woman to join us.

He hasn't REALLY kissed me since right after we got married. I've not had 'fulfilling sex' in over 10 months. For some reason he thinks bringing a big package to the party is all he has to do and acts as if I should be grateful.

I suspected he had a challenged self esteem when we began dating - but I thought I was strong enough and confident enough to help him. After all, I'd worked in advocacy with STD patients for years. I'd faced much greater challenges.

I used to have confidence, I used to date sports figures, one actor and have walked away from a couple of very wealthy, very handsome men because they didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated. So just how the hell did I get here?

Just before we got married - I felt an old familiar friend creeping in - I thought it was just me. When I was younger I struggled with self esteem from being teased so much about being flat chested. I made the decision to have augmentation done - mostly for me, but in a way I had hoped it would somehow make my husband attracted to me again - like the days when we couldn't keep our hands, eyes or lips off each other.

It didn't work.

To me, his obvious attractions are toward teens and dark haired women. I'm early 40s and blond - quite the contrast.

Recently I asked him the hard questions:

- Did something happen when he was young to cause him to have intimacy issues?

- Was he struggling with his own sexuality? (I even thought maybe he was watching straight porn for the penis factor)

- Is he attracted to much younger women thus the need for 'teen' porn?

- I asked him why my sexual needs are so unimportant to him

- Why was he choosing not to really kiss me

I asked - he danced around the subjects by asking me questions back and it dropped.

Over the last couple of weeks - since the DVD player incident, I've been very suspicious. I don't trust him. He's lied to me and continues to lie. I have searched his car, I do monitor the computer - he knows how to erase the history, but I know how to check it elsewhere. I know he's searching strip clubs near where he works and he's still watching porn even if it's just a few minutes every single day. And, I am all but 100% positive he's watching it from work too. That terrifies me - not just for our marriage, but for our family.

The only thing he's every said is he may have a little problem but all guys do it.

Not much for an admission, or is it?

At this point, I know I need help - but it's killing me to think that I may have planted myself in yet another failed marriage. I don't want to give up on us, but I am afraid he already has.

His addiction is driving me crazy - no trust, suspicious, searching for answers, looking for signs of advanced problems. My obsession is driving him crazy feeling as though he is always being watched and not trusted - but I have always been told trust is what you earn.

It's a vicious cycle and one I don't know how to break in a productive and positive way.

Hi Soconfused

When I read your post I had a sick feeling in my stomach as it could have been my wife speaking about me. I was in absolute denial that I had a problem. Even when I aknowledged I had a problem I continued in the spiral of deceit and lies. Looking back I was appalling in my behaviour. What you must know is that this is not your fault. Your husband is a porn/sex addict. He needs to get honest with himself. I was fortunate in that I am a believer and that has put a perspective on things.I know I have a long way to go to regain the trust of my wife and family. I am being healed from this addiction but talking about it has made it easier for me to fight it. My thoughts are with you and I pray that your marriage can be saved.

God bless

Hi Soconfused,

I feel your pain so strongly... You are right now in the worst part when it comes dealing with person with porn addiction.

First, I want to make sure that you understand that porn addiction is a form of sex addiction. And sex addiction comes in many different flavors. Most men who call themselves porn addicts, stick to watching pornography and masturbation only. But there are many other, who do not stop at that.

I think it is very important for you to make sure that your husband does not engage in sexual relationship with other people, because if he does, it could put your personal health at risk (since he could infect you with an STD).

I am not suggesting that your husband is physically unfaithful with another person, but I think it is very important to keep this in mind, until your situation gets resolved, and you will know exactly what you are dealing with.

Second, I wanted to recommend for you to confront your husband. You said that he said that "all guys do it" in regards to his porn use, and you need to communicate to him just exactly how much further beyond norm he went. Try to make this as reasonable as possible, men (like to think of themselves as) logical beings, so hard evidence would likely to work the best in terms of getting him to think about what's going on.

I actually think that your original post, if you could share it with your husband, would make it very clear for him. But don't expect for him to realize right away that he has a problem. Over the year he build up a story in his head about how his addiction was "normal" it would take some time and effort for him to begin to see his life in a new light.

Try to encourage him to go to a 12 step meeting, for many men hearing other people share really helps to break out of their denial.

Also, any book by Patrick Carnes, could be very helpful in helping your husband understand the nature of sex addiction. It was his book "Don't Call it Love" that started my recovery process over 3 ( or was it 4?) years ago.

Also check out 7 believes that kept me trapped in my porn addiction: http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/11 ... apped.html Chances are your husband has similar thoughts.

Last but not least, try to watch http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2011/01 ... ffect.html or even better ask your husband to watch them with you.

Please keep coming back and keep posting. I wish you all of the best in this difficult times!
Alex

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

@ Farmer - Thank you for your reply. While you were lurking on the side of denial with your wife and your addiction - what are some things your wife did that drove you further away and what did she do or could she have done to help bring you closer to the healthier you? I know your story is different, but perhaps your experience will inspire the right answers for me.

@ Alex - Your words were like a ghost from my past. You see, 13 years ago, in my first marriage - I had that nagging gut feeling that something was wrong. I didn't listen to it but instead chose to be the "wait until 'proof' came to me" kind of person before I would say something.

The proof came alright. He'd gotten drunk, used our debit card rather than his secret credit card for a sleazy hotel. A couple of weeks later he was diagnosed with herpes. He moved out. (I'd later find there was a long history of sleazy hotels, strip clubs and bars on 2 credit cards that he filed bankrupt on and I wound up paying for)

I went to the doctor - had a complete STD screen and I was fine. So I thought.

A year later I had a horrible allergic reaction to some female, feel fresh kind of products. My doctor called in a steroid creme - the problem morphed into some sort of super reaction. I went into the docs office and was told I had herpes.

At that time, I knew I'd either gotten it from my ex who had been diagnosed or the new boyfriend of only a few months was cheating on me too. I couldn't bear either answer and went into a deep depression and isolation.

9 months after that, I came down very ill. 19 tubes of blood, x-rays and a CT scan later - no diagnosis. Every symptom I had and searched for on the internet pointed to Hodgkin Lymphoma or HIV sero-converting to AIDS. That's when I found out "complete STD tests" don't test for everything. They don't test for HIV, HPV or Herpes. Those HAVE To be asked for individually and verbally! And because of some sort of rights to privacy act, doctors can't tell you you're not being tested for those. I had been living for nearly 2 years thinking I had been properly tested when I wasn't.

I asked for them and waited the two longest weeks of my life!

I thought I was dying and began planning for my two little boys for when I was gone. Complete with a design for my mother who lives out of the country to come in and take them with her so the SOB couldn't live off my social security. He'd never spend his beer or tramp money to go after them.

My doctor called me at my office to tell me the results because it was a Friday afternoon and he didn't want me to stress through the weekend. When I heard I was negative for HIV, I yelled out "I'm going to live! Not sure what's wrong with me now, but I am going to live!" I just remember dropping the phone and falling to my knees crying for what seemed like forever. It was a very cleansing cry.

The end result was I was suffering from Epstein Barr. A chronic form of mono.

I guess you could say through that experience - I developed a sort of post traumatic stress of some sort. I trust until the first lie - then my forgiving and forgetting is as rare as a vegetarian snake.

Now the fear of the unknown cripples me. I want to know, but I am terrified to know. The not knowing haunts my every thought most of the time.

I did confront him yesterday - I TRIED to do it in a way that put me in the same vulnerable position or at least on a more even field. I shared with him a couple of secrets I had been keeping. Nothing overly major, but at least I was 'coming clean' and hoped he would to.

He focused the entire time on MY MISTAKES. I asked him if he could share a whole truth with me. If he could share the HARD to share stuff to show he was capable - he just focused on my wrong doings.

I KNOW he took a cassette from the house. The kind that goes in old video cameras. I found it in the back pocket of his car seat. I have tried to give him the opportunity to tell me about it without revealing that I knew it was in the seat - he just tells me I'm nuts. Don't know what I'm talking about. And even told me to find it and show it to him because he didn't know what I was talking about.

Well, duh! It's gone now. I wasn't going to fall for that by going and looking for it only to provide him more solid grounds to say I'm crazy. I checked again when he was in the shower and it was indeed gone! There one day, gone the next.

Sorry for ranting but don't know where else to turn. I have an appointment with a therapist next week.

I do have a couple of questions I could sure use thoughts and direction on...

1. Was I wrong in destroying DVDs? There ARE more and I'm not sure now if my taking them and destroying them was right. Should that be left to him to make that decision? I feel like the more I take and try to control him like a toddler, the better he will get at hiding.

2. The Cassette - Do I tell him I snooped in his car and know it was there and make him tell me what it was? How can I get him to admit things and tell me hard truths without being such a cop to him?

I did explain to him that we were caught in a vicious cycle - his lying has caused me not to trust and to be suspicious and police him - my policing him makes him angry but he continues to lie - I told him I could commit to not 'policing' but I could not control my suspicious mind - he was the one who had the power to do that by offering up the hard truths.

At this point my skin is beginning to crawl when he's near me. I KNOW he is lying about a couple of things and wonder what else he might be lying about.

He does keep very set hours - but that doesn't mean he's not leaving work early or spending his lunchtime doing something he shouldn't. I've even poured over the ads on Craigslist wondering if one of those married, at work, NSA ads belong to him.

Yesterday he started harping on my kids for nothing major at all and kept digging, kept digging until I exploded and screamed at him that I hated him. Later I explained to him that when I say that, I do hate him AT THAT TIME - not all the time, just in that precise moment.

Last night I went to bed torn between wanting to leave and wanting to just never wake up. This morning I woke up and am sorry I did.

Hi Soconfused,

First of all I am really glad that you came back to post about your feelings.

Second, I wanted to ask you. It seems that it is the 2nd time that you ended up in a relationship with a sex addict. Do you think there is a certain type of men that you "go for" that are not particularly good for you?

Also, in terms of confronting your husband, I would advise against "giving him opportunity to come clean"; he is an addict. For years he has shaped his life around lies and trying to manage his lifestyle. The fact that he is in the relationship with you means that he wants to be in a relationship AND keep his addiction. He wants the best of both worlds. (But he can't have both of course).

The point is, when you confront him, he will do everything he can to convince you that you are "crazy" that your claims are "baseless" and that he is actually the "good guy" here, and that you are being "unreasonable". I think that your best approach would be to confront him with facts, again and again. Such as, I know you had a tape in your car, and I know it is gone now, I've seen it both times. So we both know that you are lying. Or I know that you check so and so on your phone, I've seen you. I know that you looked at those DVDs again. So if you say NO we both know you are lying.

If he continues to deny everything, I think you would have to tell him, that if he wants to stay in this relationship he really needs to choose to either be committed to you or to be committed to porn. And see what he chooses, if he give you up right away without even trying to work something out, I suggest you find another man.

I think though, he will instead try to manipulate you into some kind of alternative that would allow him to try to maintain his old lifestyle - having his addiction AND his relationship. He will probably promise to cut back, or deny that he even has a problem, or claim what he is doing is completely "normal". This reaction is expected, and a good sign that he still wants you and loves you. I also think that it is a good sign that some future progress can be made.

I would advice against taking any actions against his will, such as throwing away his DVDs or putting a filter on his phone without his permission. While it might make it a little easier to "prove" that he does something "un-normal" , it will also make it much easier for him to blame you for being a crazy person who intrudes his privacy.

I think the best way to approach this, is as if you were going to court. Collect as much real hard evidence that would support your claim - he is an addict and needs help, while providing as little reasons as possible to support his (at least subconscious) claim, that you are just and unreasonable, controlling bitch, who flips out about something that is not a big deal.

Try to remain calm, reasonable, and persistence. It is a long process, but I believe you can, with patience, break through his denial.

Please keep us posted.
Alex

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Hi Soconfused

To answer the first part I think was not accepting me warts and all. She will read this as she knows I'm posting on this forum.The most a guy wants is a women that 'backs him",gives him support and really plain and simply respects him. Yes I carried my addictions into my marriage but at that stage never believed they would get worse. What I haven't disclosed here is that I slept with prostitutes as well.After carrying guilt and condemnation around for many years I confessed to her what I had done. There was no counselling after that and she simply withdrew from the relationship. I promised to change but the porn was always there. It never left me. My wife had every reason to leave but she chose to stay.She said divorce wasn't an option. I don't know how this will help you.Alex has given you sound advise. The difference here is that I know I need help. We are still in that stage of my wife not being able to trust me and "lets wait till the next thing happens" mode.I am so determined to change but know it is just one day at a time. I have hurt my wife more than I know. We haven't been intimate for months and that is not normal but I am ,as difficult as it may be , focussing on my healing. She checks everything I do and I've told her to check my history on the internet ,cell phone etc. It does irritate me but it is the right thing to do to regain trust.

There were and are times I've simply wanted to run,hit the road and never come back. The fact is to be a man I have to accept my responsibilities. My wife is in a wait and see mode and quite frankly I don't blame her as I have let her ( and myself) down so many times. I decided to change all that on the 14th of August 2011 when I took steps to put a halt to my "madness" I'm sorry this has been more about me and I know I haven't nearly answered your questions or helped you? This is a place I can slowly peel away the layers of shame I have felt. My wife is not perfect and she has her own issues as well but I know that to fix us I have to fix me.What keeps me going is Gods grace towards me knowing don't deserve any of it. All I really know is that I have a caring Father who wants to bless and prosper me. Have you ever asked God for help? I would not be able to function without Him in my life. I feel your pain and ask God to comfort you and restore your marriage. I know you are overwhelmed. I encourage you to pray for your husbands release from this bondage. God bless you!

Hi Soconfused,

Just wanted to follow up to see how things are going.

Alex

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Hi SoConfused,

I am sorry that you're in this position and admire your courage in posting here with honesty... I agree wholeheartedly with the advice already posted here, I think you need to have as much evidence as possible and confront him with it, but try to do so in a way that doesn't seem like an accusation. This will put him on the defense immediately, and what's needed here is for you to try to convey as much understanding and safety to him which will provoke as much honesty as he's capable of. What you need to make clear is that regardless of whether or not this is a problem to him, it is to you. If he cares about you (which I assume he does if he has indicated any interest in talking to you about it) then he will at least try to get the point.

When my fiance confronted me with everything a year and a half ago, she was clearly hurt, but she talked to me in a way that made me feel that while she hated what I had been doing and hated that I hid so much from her, that she cared for me and wanted me to admit this problem and get help for both our sakes. She moved over 150 miles to live with me (we weren't engaged yet at that time) because that was the only way she could be with me and have any sort of trust. She did this because even though she had just found out so many hurtful things about me, she wanted to work through it with me. This powerful gesture has stayed with me and it still makes me tear up sometimes to think of it. I did get help, and slowly I've come to where I am today, and where we are today: engaged, happier than we've ever been, and with more insight and understanding than ever.

I wish you the best of luck.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks for the continued advice, support and concern.

I began seeing a therapist last week. The first appointment was standard paperwork and getting an idea of what I hoped to accomplish but it felt good to have someone 'real' to talk to. It felt good to actually speak about the problem rather than typing all the time.

I am learning a lot - so much to learn - so much to absorb.

I've been trying to get up the courage to confront him about the tape that was in his car - I've just not had myself in the position to want to fight that battle yet.

I hate feeling like his actions are on trial and I must critique every one - but it's difficult to not feel like everything he does is sexually motivated.

It's emotionally draining to say the least. I don't feel like he's cheating on me really - but I do feel like he's cheating me out of the 100% he should be contributing to our marriage.

I am still in therapy. I'm still struggling. And just when I see a slight glimmer of hope for advancing toward healing something happens and pulls me right back down.

My red flag warning system stays on high alert - I notice every little inconsistency - every little change in behavior and find myself wanting to vomit.

Yesterday while doing some end of summer cleaning, I pulled some clothes from our closets to wash. The dryer began making a horrible noise. When I went to see what the noise was, there was a DVD in the dryer. He'd had it hidden. I showed it to him and told him it was amazing what all washes out in the laundry.

He tried to get me to go outside and set with him on the swing a short time later, I didn't want to. I haven't spoken to him since.

Maybe they mean nothing - maybe they mean something...

The red flag warnings I'm picking up are:

The last 3 weeks, Tuesdays (only) have included extra grooming efforts before going to work.

For the last month he has been working 45 minutes to 1 hour later on Tues-Thurs. Supposed to be a special project that's due to end the end of October. It's been on those days that I've noticed 'traces' of excitement on his clothing.

I think he caught on to the 'traces' because today (Tuesday) he had black boxers out, but put them up and said he was going to wear gray instead.

He normally keeps his pay stub and puts it in a file location for our records. Last Friday he tore it up and threw it away.

He's clicked around on some of the no strings attached dating sites and checked out personals on Craigslist.

He's grown a goatee that he is constantly looking at and grooming

He's become obsessed more and more with making sure the gray in his hair doesn't show by having me color his hair.

I am absolutely petrified. Scared to stay and risk getting an STD. Scared to leave because I was just laid off from my job last week.

I know if I say anything at all to him, he's going to have some sort of justification and call me crazy. He already says I'm the one with the porn problem - the fact that I don't accept it.

There really are days where the only thing that gets me out of bed is the fact that my kids need their mother!

Things just aren't going so well