I am still in therapy. I'm still struggling. And just when I see a slight glimmer of hope for advancing toward healing something happens and pulls me right back down.
My red flag warning system stays on high alert - I notice every little inconsistency - every little change in behavior and find myself wanting to vomit.
Yesterday while doing some end of summer cleaning, I pulled some clothes from our closets to wash. The dryer began making a horrible noise. When I went to see what the noise was, there was a DVD in the dryer. He'd had it hidden. I showed it to him and told him it was amazing what all washes out in the laundry.
He tried to get me to go outside and set with him on the swing a short time later, I didn't want to. I haven't spoken to him since.
Maybe they mean nothing - maybe they mean something...
The red flag warnings I'm picking up are:
The last 3 weeks, Tuesdays (only) have included extra grooming efforts before going to work.
For the last month he has been working 45 minutes to 1 hour later on Tues-Thurs. Supposed to be a special project that's due to end the end of October. It's been on those days that I've noticed 'traces' of excitement on his clothing.
I think he caught on to the 'traces' because today (Tuesday) he had black boxers out, but put them up and said he was going to wear gray instead.
He normally keeps his pay stub and puts it in a file location for our records. Last Friday he tore it up and threw it away.
He's clicked around on some of the no strings attached dating sites and checked out personals on Craigslist.
He's grown a goatee that he is constantly looking at and grooming
He's become obsessed more and more with making sure the gray in his hair doesn't show by having me color his hair.
I am absolutely petrified. Scared to stay and risk getting an STD. Scared to leave because I was just laid off from my job last week.
I know if I say anything at all to him, he's going to have some sort of justification and call me crazy. He already says I'm the one with the porn problem - the fact that I don't accept it.
There really are days where the only thing that gets me out of bed is the fact that my kids need their mother!
Things just aren't going so well