Feed the Right Wolf

Starting a new day. My slip wasn't exactly with porn but it was close enough. I knew it was going to happen. I need to develop a plan of some sort to stop myself when the usual signs start showing up. One way is by making sure to shower as soon as I get up. It at least helps to wake me up and get me moving.

Instead of actively keeping track of days I'm just going to mostly post when I'm starting over with the number of days gone by. If I go a long time then maybe I'll count them then. I need to do a better job at keeping myself accountable. Instead I'll come here and post whenever there is a slip.

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Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

Slip. Same freaking kind as before. This is beginning to frustrate me. I know I'm going to do it right before it happens. I know I'm going to come here and confess. And yet it's as though I allow myself to forget that I want to stop. I need to stop feeding into this thing. Why can't I stop? I've been telling myself that I'm making progress as in I haven't been to any actual porn sites in awhile. But it's a lie. I'm still finding ways to satisfy my urges. Either that or I distract myself with hours of time wasting activity.

There has to be a "next step" that I can take. Some way to ease off the pointless things that I do, that keep me up all night or keep me from working on something important during the day. There's more at stake here that I haven't been talking about and don't intend to. There's just so much that I need to do and yet I procrastinate. I already have a lifetime worth of guilt that I keep buried for not getting my act together starting years ago. It's time I'm never getting back, with a responsibility that I failed to carry out because I was too damn lazy. And too self doubting. A lot of both.

Addiction, procrastination, these are beasts that I need to reign in and put down. I need to devote most of my free time to work. I simply have no excuse whatsoever to not do anything. I have to figure out how I'm going to get myself moving in the direction I need to be again. I've had starts, but I don't finish. I'm just going to hate myself if I fail as hugely as I did before. I don't think time is really on my side. In hindsight it never was. If I knew six or seven years ago what I know now...If I don't do what must be done it's going to lead to a lot of regret and self loathing.

I'm being vague. But I'm mostly writing this for myself. Sometimes this is the only way that I can get my thoughts together into something resembling coherence. I've become too accustomed to the way my life is now. It should have never gotten to this point. Too think that the solution is so simple, yet overwhelming. I just have to tell myself that it's all in my head and to just get to work.

I should think about whether I should even continue posting here. Maybe once or twice a week. Just little updates. I don't know. I need to take time to straighten my thoughts out and set some priorities. Do some soul searching.

Some of you would probably laugh if I went into detail. I'm probably making this sound like more than it is in some ways. But the consequences are real. While I'm trying to take my problems more seriously I also need to remember to keep myself grounded with reality. When I'm not procrastinating I can end up on the opposite end and be freaking out instead. Where is that center that I can anchor myself to?

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Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

Kind of got a little dramatic there...

Here's two simple things that I can do to help cut down on porn usage.

First thing: avoid turning my computer on late at night.
second: once I'm awake don't waste too much time with getting out of bed. computer needs to stay off until I've showered.

It's a start.

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Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

Set rules of thumb for yourself. Mine is "NGHAM" or "EN - GAM" Nothing Good Happens After Midnight. Shut electronic devices off. Seriously. You're tired, your mind is all over the place, porn access is easy, so just shut it off. Same for mornings, I only turn it on when I'm all set for the day.

nice work, keep it up.

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I've been considering starting a new journal. I haven't really been able to justify it up to this point. I think I have some ideas now. Whereas with this thread I've been mostly posting opinions, the new one would be all about strategy and specifics concerning what I'm doing. I've drawn a little inspiration from what others are doing. Combined with my own ideas it could be more effective than what I've been doing. And if I decide that I need to rant I can come back to this one.

I may spend some time putting together an in depth, workable action plan. I'd have a schedule to stick to, tasks to take on, that sort of thing. Basically start off with getting my life in order then see where I need to focus from there.

Back to the main topic, a little while ago in the car the urge came to me. I went through a shortened cycle of thinking about what I wanted to look up, trying to justify it to myself while thinking that I'm not really going to be able to quit this permanently anyways, then getting those thoughts interrupted as the light turned green and I needed to focus on driving. It hit me again shortly after but didn't stick this time. Then came home, had a short dinner, and came directly here.

I don't intend to be online after midnight. I'll try to shut down sooner if I find myself feeling more than a passing momentary temptation. Then in the morning I'll bypass the computer for other things.

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Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

Starting over. It started with a trigger where there wouldn't have been one if not for my overactive imagination. This is getting embarrassing. But again, no images. Just text. I was tempted at first to go to one of the usual sites but I convinced myself that I would just end up doing what I normally do and it just wouldn't be worth it.

I just installed an addon called foxfilter. It blocks websites and search terms alike. I even had to manually approve this site because of the obvious term that's here. I don't have a password on it. For me that would be pointless as I would get around it. Instead I just want that little barrier there to keep me from humoring less than intense thoughts and urges. I don't know how far I'm going to get with this. It's worth a shot I guess.

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Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

Proud of you man! Keep it up.

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I had a moderately strong urge just now. I came here and read a couple of journals. Found some more things in common with one entry in particular. The urge seems to have subsided.

I had a thought. For someone with serious procrastination issues, wouldn't it be awesome if it were possible to make porn one of those things that just keeps getting habitually put off? "Man, I want to go look, but it's just too much of a bother. Maybe later." And then later...and later still...

Now I'm wondering if it is possible for an individual to change their mindset in that way.

Another thought. I could binge on video games like nobody's business, though multi day marathons are out of the question. Eventually I'll either get bored with them or decide that the "reward" isn't worth the effort at the moment. Yet with porn I don't often get the same thing. Both actions trigger a response in the brain that says "this is good. give more." I can end up doing way too much of either which could justify calling me an addict. So why is one more difficult to give up than the other?

Is it maybe the guilt associated? I think about the negatives with one activity more than I do the other. As a consequence I think about the negative one more often. Or maybe it's that I get a bigger "high" from one than the other. Could that be what makes all the difference? But if that's the case there are things that have results that I would be much happier with getting. So why don't I go after those instead?

I think in part it comes down to habit and the effort required. Even then that only gives a partial reason. Another is that I'll get bored with the games I have and don't have immediate access to something new outside of going online. And most of the time I don't find anything that I want to take the time to start anew with. With porn on the other hand if I get bored with one type there's easy access to others. That said I still have my limits, with there being categories that I don't really get turned on by. This includes a couple of the more "standard" fetishes. So even if I keep looking I don't enjoy it. Then again there's also games that I've played through even if I didn't get much out of them. It's a conundrum.

If I can figure out what eventually turns me off from those games that I've enjoyed immensely in the past (I often eventually return for another round once I've had a break) maybe I can use that to help break this habit.

I didn't intend to ramble like this. But hey, it gets me thinking when I do.

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Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

Day 1

I allowed myself to peruse content that lead up to this. It was only a matter of time with the temptations I've been exposing myself to. I'm going to work on getting myself onto a schedule.

Get up 8:00 or 9:00
Develop a normal morning routine: shower after waking, eat, brush, etc.
Only after all this will I even consider using the computer.
Exercise
No later than noon, start work on personal project(s). Lunch/snack probably around same time
3:00 or 3:30, allow myself some downtime.
4:00, eat something
4:45, off to work.
Come to this site to at least read if not post after work
Bed no later than midnight

This is not meant to be a strict schedule yet. As I go through my days I can begin fine tuning it into something that works best for me.

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Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

I live by a principle that goes like this: The more you try to change things, the more they'll stay the same.

I've noticed this in my life. This is just my advice... Whenever I tried making strict schedules, I couldn't go through with them long and I always fell back into my lazy habits. You need to find balance.

Keep moving forward DtD

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20