Its been a couple of days since I last posted. I had a decent day on Wednesday, but I still found myself fantasizing about sex throughout the day. Thursday was a good day throughout most of the day, but then I had a relapse.
I got on the computer late in the day to enter my recovery journal and visit a forum for one of my hobbies. However, in the process I ended up viewing porn. I am not sure exactly what happened. I think a contributing factor was that I was tired.
One thing I noticed is that the pressure to view porn seemed to grow each day. I had been counting each day how many days I had been sober. The more that I thought about my sobriety, the more urges I had. It is hard to explain, but is is almost like the Willie E Coyote cartoons where he would step off the cliff and be fine until he looked down and realized what he was doing. Then he would fall.
On another addiction site, a counselor talked about the addictive voice. That is the voice you hear in your head that tells you that you can't do it, or that it is okay to look for a couple of minutes, etc. This voice seemed to get stronger as I went along. It was like it didn't actually believe that I was going to quit. It was almost like it was saying, "How many days do we have to do this before we go back to our old lifestyle?"
Despite the setback, I still feel pretty good about my progress. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it is really important to maintain a positive outlook and not get trapped in the relapse/depression/self pity/relapse cycle. The good news is that I went 17 days without porn which was the longest I ever went. I didn't really have any urges today, and stayed free from porn and masturbation. While I might be back on Day 1, another way of looking at it is that I have been sober 18 of the last 19 days.
Another positive is that I learned some things from both the success I had as well as my eventual relapse. This is a journey that is all about trial and error. I continue to find things that work and things that don't work.