Feed the Right Wolf

Day 15 without porn. Today was a much better day for me. I felt very few, if any, urges today. Overall, I had a great day. I was productive at work and home.

I am not sure what changed from the past couple of days which were rough for me. I think there were two factors. As I mentioned in my last post, there is something about weekends that trigger me. I still haven't figured out exactly why. Being back at work may have helped.

I also tried to practice what I mentioned yesterday about being mindful and not entertaining fantasies in my mind. I used to believe that my urges were physical in nature. I am starting to understand that my urges start in mind. If I entertain the fantasies in my mind, then the physical changes (increased heart rate, arousal, etc.) start to occur. It is much more difficult to stop once things get to the physical state.

The key for me is to practice what I have learned about mindfulness and recognize these thoughts when the occur and then shift my attention to something else such as the task at hand, my breathing, etc. I can't prevent the sexual thoughts for sometimes popping into my brain, but I do have some control of whether I dwell on those thoughts or quickly move on. Today I practiced acknowledging these thoughts when they popped into my head, and quickly shifted my focus elsewhere. I didn't feel any strong urges.

I realize now that I really need to continue to practice mindfulness. I haven't meditated much recently, but I need to start this practice again.

Day 16 without porn. For the most part, today was a good day. I didn't really have any urges throughout most of the day. However, late this evening, I got on the internet and I found myself flirting with porn. I didn't actually break down and view pornography, but I found myself looking for sexy videos on youtube and other sites. As I was surfing around I did come across a couple of R rated pictures, but I didn't dwell on them or masturbate.

I know that I have to be more careful tomorrow, because I was dangerously close to viewing stuff that I shouldn't. I view this as a learning process. Every day I find new things that work for me and new pitfalls. I am trying to learn from both.

Do not try to test yourself. Do not use the internet for 'surfing'
We will never be able to just surf. Our brains (at least for now) fool us and we make those small steps towards porn, and then we fall.
Use the internet as a tool. That's it.
This will help you a lot in your recovery.
Peter

Its been a couple of days since I last posted. I had a decent day on Wednesday, but I still found myself fantasizing about sex throughout the day. Thursday was a good day throughout most of the day, but then I had a relapse.

I got on the computer late in the day to enter my recovery journal and visit a forum for one of my hobbies. However, in the process I ended up viewing porn. I am not sure exactly what happened. I think a contributing factor was that I was tired.

One thing I noticed is that the pressure to view porn seemed to grow each day. I had been counting each day how many days I had been sober. The more that I thought about my sobriety, the more urges I had. It is hard to explain, but is is almost like the Willie E Coyote cartoons where he would step off the cliff and be fine until he looked down and realized what he was doing. Then he would fall.

On another addiction site, a counselor talked about the addictive voice. That is the voice you hear in your head that tells you that you can't do it, or that it is okay to look for a couple of minutes, etc. This voice seemed to get stronger as I went along. It was like it didn't actually believe that I was going to quit. It was almost like it was saying, "How many days do we have to do this before we go back to our old lifestyle?"

Despite the setback, I still feel pretty good about my progress. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it is really important to maintain a positive outlook and not get trapped in the relapse/depression/self pity/relapse cycle. The good news is that I went 17 days without porn which was the longest I ever went. I didn't really have any urges today, and stayed free from porn and masturbation. While I might be back on Day 1, another way of looking at it is that I have been sober 18 of the last 19 days.

Another positive is that I learned some things from both the success I had as well as my eventual relapse. This is a journey that is all about trial and error. I continue to find things that work and things that don't work.

Overall a decent day for me today. I didn't feel a lot of urges to look at porn. I did start feeling some sexual urges and the need to masturbate after I went to the gym. I tried to fight the urge, but eventually decided to masturbate so that I could get the sexual thoughts out of my head. I did so without any porn or visual stimulation.

I know that I need to give up porn, and my goal is to eliminate it 100% from my life. I haven't been able to figure out for myself whether that means I have to go cold turkey on masturbation too. Trying to give up both at the same time seems unrealistic to me at the moment. Therefore, I think my approach at the moment is to to try my hardest to stay away from porn entirely, but allow myself to masturbate occasionally if I can keep it at a minimum and it prevents me from going back to porn. I kind of look at is as my version of a nicotine patch or methadone.

I am not sure if this is the right approach or not, but like I have said in previous posts, this is all about trial and error and finding out what works for you.

Not a lot new to report today. It was a pretty decent day overall. I only had a few urges and they didn't last long. I was able to stay sober all day.

I would credit a couple of keys to my success today. First I got plenty of sleep last night. Even though I had a lot to accomplish today, I started out the day by reading the Bible and doing some brief meditation. Then I kept my mind focused on the things I needed to get done today.

I did feel some urges when I went to the gym. For some reason, the gym seems to be a trigger. I don't know if there is something about getting the blood circulating that makes me start thinking about sexual fantasies, or if it is the attractive women working out that does it. It is something that I will have to deal with. Going to the gym is one of the positive things that I am doing, and I don't think that switching gyms would solve anything. (All the other ones in town are similar.)

Anyway, we'll see how the week goes.

The last two days have brought mixed results. Monday I was swamped with work and studying for a test for a professional certification exam. I didn't even have time to think about sexual fantasies or porn. This reinforces the fact this this is a mental issue and not a physical one. When my brain is occupied with other things, I don't have urges.

Today, I had a brief moment of weakness. I think the stress got to me a little. I got on-line to check some news stories I was interested in. I ended up going to a popular website and looking at some soft core porn briefly. I eventually mustered the willpower to pull myself away, bit it was still a slip up nonetheless.

My main goal in life is to have a wife and kids. Not to get overly religious, but I feel like God has told me that if I clean up my act, these things will come. It is kind of hard to explain. I don't claim that God normally talks to me, and it is not like I heard a booming voice out of thin air or anything. It is much more subtle than that. I just feel that I have been told that if I break this porn habit the family will come. I first experienced this feeling several years ago, and sometimes still question whether the promise has expired or not. But I feel that it hasn't.

The reason that I bring this up, is because it is what helped me pull myself away from porn today. I told myself that I had to trust God on this one. I am determined to cash in on this promise.

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I remained really busy with work and studying, so I didn't really find myself tempted. I have also been getting good sleep all this week.

I don't really have many lessons learned from today. It was an all around solid day, and I just need to keep having days like this.

Hi Takinglifeback,

Great job coming back to post regardless of how good/bad/eventful your day in recovery was. Keep moving forward!

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Takinglifeback,

good Job...Keep It Up...Don't let One Slip-Up affect You...This is Part of the Process...We won't reach Anyway till We go through Such Slip-Ups in the Whole Recovery Process...