Ok, phew. I've regained my composure.
I'm thinking of changing things up and just pushing forth with recovery.
That just takes a crapload of power to say for me right now. It's not that I don't want to, it's just life is so extremely stressful right now. I'm really struggling with some things, primarily my relationship. I just don't know how much more my girlfriend can really take of this, which is a problem because I can't make promises! Of course, I WANT to stop watching porn for good, no matter what, I wanted that even before I met my girlfriend. (But now I want it that much more) But that doesn't mean it'll miraculously just stop. I wish I could promise her I got it this time, that I'll make it easy, that I'll never relapse again, but I can't, and a lot of times I feel like that's the only thing I could really do to show her how much I love her. But that's like. The sole most difficult thing I could ever do in my life right now. So it's tough.. really.
it's tough being in my head too. I am both feeling extremely guilty, and yet asking for forgiveness. I both want and desire to be forgiven, but feel I don't deserve it. I found myself begging my girlfriend today not to leave me... and finally she told me she loves me lots... I felt relief and happiness for a split second and then boom, nothing but guilt, shame, and anger at myself. How many times has she forgiven me... and I keep doing the same thing over, and over, and OVER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I feel like I'm just insane. Screw this addiction. I hate it. I absolutely HATE it. But it won't leave me alone!! Come ON!!
Anyway, an underlying struggle in my recovery is always, and always has been laziness. It's so hard keeping up the same level of determination... forever. Literally. I need to make lots and lots of progress now. Seriously, today was a close call. I cried all day, I weeped, I couldn't stop. I worried my mom to death, she was thinking all manner of things were wrong. I am so freakishly upset and sad right now..
There's also another thought I'm struggling with now. She texted me an said maybe we're just exaggerating or making a big deal out of nothing. Not many people consider porn so bad. Ok, heck, I know of or have heard of couples who'd watch it together!
Two thoughts come to mind: 1 - no, no, no, no, no... We can't change our moral standards and beliefs because "everyone is doing it." I don't care if like every other teenage guy watches porn, that's too bad for them! I want out! I have always, ALWAYS hated what i was doing, I never truly let myself relax about it. Even if I have at one point never tried to stop, I still at least felt bad about what I was doing. I then came to know God and realized what lust truly was and I became aware of its affects on my mind, heart, and body. I CANNOT express how much I dislike the fact that I have and do watch porn. So in the first hand I'm a little afraid of what she said, because I don't want it to mean she'll just stop caring altogether and just let me do whatever. I specifically confessed my problem to her because I need to be accountable to someone important in my life. Although I have other reasons than just her to want to quit porn, she's still a very big reason, and if she stops caring, it only makes the likelihood I'll go back to porn much more likely!!!
2 - at the same time, the way we are acting about it IS a bit much. We're making such a big scene about it, like if I've relapsed, the world ended or something. Except I don't know to what extent that view is true. Because I personally would NOT want my girlfriend watching porn either, I would be just as hurt, if not more (cause I now have a nice, innocent view of her and I trust her wholeheartedly.) I would probably react a similar, if not the same way she reacts to my relapses... So I don't know. I mean when I told her about my problem, I expected her to feel a little bad because it's natural, but I looked for support and encouragement. I got a lot of negative support in the form of pain, fear, and just emotional distress every time I acted out, which I realize only adds to the problem, it doesn't really help much.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't want her to just stop caring... because come on, porn is bad. If she just changes her moral views on it I'd lose so much respect for her. I'd also lose her as someone I can truly be accountable to. If she doesn't care, then whether or not I watch it makes no difference. But at the SAME time, I don't want her getting SO stressed out every day, waiting in apprehension for the next moment I relapse, and then being so in pain when I do... that is not at all what I want for her, it pains me SO much to know that's how she lives now... that I cause a lot of the pain in her life... It's just so saddening and angering, and UGH!
So yeah.. I just don't know anything. I would love to just talk to her. Miraculously she's coming over tomorrow. <:) God bless us...