Feed the Right Wolf

I don't want to lose my girlfriend... I don't don't want to lose her. I love her I lover her so much.. I don't want to lose her!!!!!!!!!!!

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Ok, phew. I've regained my composure.

I'm thinking of changing things up and just pushing forth with recovery.

That just takes a crapload of power to say for me right now. It's not that I don't want to, it's just life is so extremely stressful right now. I'm really struggling with some things, primarily my relationship. I just don't know how much more my girlfriend can really take of this, which is a problem because I can't make promises! Of course, I WANT to stop watching porn for good, no matter what, I wanted that even before I met my girlfriend. (But now I want it that much more) But that doesn't mean it'll miraculously just stop. I wish I could promise her I got it this time, that I'll make it easy, that I'll never relapse again, but I can't, and a lot of times I feel like that's the only thing I could really do to show her how much I love her. But that's like. The sole most difficult thing I could ever do in my life right now. So it's tough.. really.

it's tough being in my head too. I am both feeling extremely guilty, and yet asking for forgiveness. I both want and desire to be forgiven, but feel I don't deserve it. I found myself begging my girlfriend today not to leave me... and finally she told me she loves me lots... I felt relief and happiness for a split second and then boom, nothing but guilt, shame, and anger at myself. How many times has she forgiven me... and I keep doing the same thing over, and over, and OVER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I feel like I'm just insane. Screw this addiction. I hate it. I absolutely HATE it. But it won't leave me alone!! Come ON!!

Anyway, an underlying struggle in my recovery is always, and always has been laziness. It's so hard keeping up the same level of determination... forever. Literally. I need to make lots and lots of progress now. Seriously, today was a close call. I cried all day, I weeped, I couldn't stop. I worried my mom to death, she was thinking all manner of things were wrong. I am so freakishly upset and sad right now..

There's also another thought I'm struggling with now. She texted me an said maybe we're just exaggerating or making a big deal out of nothing. Not many people consider porn so bad. Ok, heck, I know of or have heard of couples who'd watch it together!

Two thoughts come to mind: 1 - no, no, no, no, no... We can't change our moral standards and beliefs because "everyone is doing it." I don't care if like every other teenage guy watches porn, that's too bad for them! I want out! I have always, ALWAYS hated what i was doing, I never truly let myself relax about it. Even if I have at one point never tried to stop, I still at least felt bad about what I was doing. I then came to know God and realized what lust truly was and I became aware of its affects on my mind, heart, and body. I CANNOT express how much I dislike the fact that I have and do watch porn. So in the first hand I'm a little afraid of what she said, because I don't want it to mean she'll just stop caring altogether and just let me do whatever. I specifically confessed my problem to her because I need to be accountable to someone important in my life. Although I have other reasons than just her to want to quit porn, she's still a very big reason, and if she stops caring, it only makes the likelihood I'll go back to porn much more likely!!!

2 - at the same time, the way we are acting about it IS a bit much. We're making such a big scene about it, like if I've relapsed, the world ended or something. Except I don't know to what extent that view is true. Because I personally would NOT want my girlfriend watching porn either, I would be just as hurt, if not more (cause I now have a nice, innocent view of her and I trust her wholeheartedly.) I would probably react a similar, if not the same way she reacts to my relapses... So I don't know. I mean when I told her about my problem, I expected her to feel a little bad because it's natural, but I looked for support and encouragement. I got a lot of negative support in the form of pain, fear, and just emotional distress every time I acted out, which I realize only adds to the problem, it doesn't really help much.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't want her to just stop caring... because come on, porn is bad. If she just changes her moral views on it I'd lose so much respect for her. I'd also lose her as someone I can truly be accountable to. If she doesn't care, then whether or not I watch it makes no difference. But at the SAME time, I don't want her getting SO stressed out every day, waiting in apprehension for the next moment I relapse, and then being so in pain when I do... that is not at all what I want for her, it pains me SO much to know that's how she lives now... that I cause a lot of the pain in her life... It's just so saddening and angering, and UGH! (((((((

So yeah.. I just don't know anything. I would love to just talk to her. Miraculously she's coming over tomorrow. <:) God bless us...

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I'm really excited today. I've been having a very productive day so far, and I'm excited to continue! I did my first successful ERP. It wasn't even practice! I legitimately stopped myself from lusting by preforming my own little mini-ERP when I noticed the physiological signs of desire and I defended perfectly. I'm so excited about that! This is what i've been needing to do all along!

See, I'm like a pro at avoiding porn. I can run from it nicely, but it's never impossible to fully outrun it. There's bound to be at some points times when you run into unexpected triggers. THAT is where I fail. Miserably. I can't yet powerfully deal with temptations, I cave in wayyy too easily. Now If I can just keep working on this! I need to figure out what to do for the exercise part of my ERP... I found myself today confused with that since I was in the kitchen making a meal I had nothing else to do. But it was successful and I'm proud!

Praise God.

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Hi AICS,

It's great you were able to put ERP into practice. The more you do this successfully, the more it will become second nature and the easier it will get

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thank you Absolution! I'm excited for that to happen, I really want to beat this addiction already, it's putting my relationship in jeopardy and I need to fix it!

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Right this very moment I'm sensing incoming temptation and desire... I'm feeling like watching... But I'm still conscious right now to stop it. I'm going to do some ERP and then turn off my computer and plug my Ipod in. I can do this, I believe.

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

My goal right now is to make it past the 1 week point again. I want to beat today and tomorrow, to prove to myself, you guys, AND my girlfriend I can do it. This is usually where I slip easily. I can do it!

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

So today is supposedly the day, which I predicted would be the day I'd suffer the strongest cravings and temptations, assuming my 1 week relapse pattern were to continue. I'm fine now, still on my guard, keeping myself busy with things important to me and my life. I love my girlfriend very much and i'm thankful to still be with her after all of this. My heart goes out to all of you struggling with porn/sex addiction who already have fiances or wives! It must be tough! Glad to be young, phew!

Anyway, I'm off to produce an amazing remix to win a remix competition! haha.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Today as a strategy, I went out with friends and was out of the house all day till 9. It was great! Except we went to see The Campaign, which was freakin hilarious, really funny! But.. There are lots and lots of triggers, just a warning. Scenes with like naked women with the "goods" blocked out with black bars and all that kinda stuff. Lot's of sexual themes everywhere... God it killed me. But we went back to my friend's house after and played more Super Smash Bros Brawl. One of, if not, the best game ever XD

So i was ok. Im home now and I had one or two more really tempting points, but I'm ok now. At least I think... Yeah, I'm good. I'm just gonna watch some anime and then off to bed with me!

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Well I made it through one week without porn Though barely... late last night I was facing some serious heavy-duty temptations O_o But I'm back. I can't say much for my MB record, but I've been doing it the healthy way. (Without fantasies or porn, just focusing on the feeling.) It's been helping me get through some days quite a lot. But I don't want to overdo it either...

Today I had some temptations again, I can't let myself slip though, my relationship practically rides on this battle.. I need to stay strong and have faith and just keep reminding myself it's my reptilian brain that desire porn, mating, sex and stuff, not me... I just want to like.. make music and be with my girlfriend and friends and enjoy a good life. Not be a porn addict... I had a horrible, sleepless night last night. To think that cravings could be so powerful that they disallow me to sleep.. I just kept getting unwanted images in my mind and I was frantically trying to push them away and think of other things. I did that successfully, but my thoughts are really interesting, and well, I was having too much fun just thinking that I couldn't sleep then still. XD

My next goal is the week-and-a-half mark. Doesn't sound like much huh? Well to me it is. Heck, if these craving keep coming like this so persistently, I'm a bit terrified... But i have faith in God. I can do this.

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20