Feed the Right Wolf

Well, just coming off a period of time off work, and while I was so busy that I didn't get into any trouble on the comp, I wasn;t able to come journal either, and as a result I can feel my defenses slipping. I think I will have to keep journalling here for the rest of my life, because as soon as I get away from it I start to lose perspective and slowly slipping.
Coming back here sobers me right up and renews my motivation.
Sad that I have to keep visiting here every day for the rest of my life, but happy that I have a way to live a normal life.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Glad you are back but even more glad that you have realized what works for you and what helps you:)

Getting support from people and encouragement is not sad, it is a good thing!!!! Everyone needs that, everyone.

You are not alone and we only can learn and help each other, you are just as important to others on here as they are to you, remember that.

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement Cappy. I need the boost.
I had a slip again yesterday. It was first thing in the morning, I had a day off and I was tired. Thought I would watch a tv show with some triggering behaviours.
Well, it triggered me. I didn't go look at p, but I did mb. I am feeling low right now, I only put together 14 days after a long 6 months clean.
I have to get back up on the horse and get determined again.

Lessons learned: No more watching even middle circle tv shows or internet sites. Get moving, get outside.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Hi Determined,

I struggle (and no doubt others do) with the middle circle. "Progress not perfection" is not a platitude. It is a real description of recovery (as I see it.)

If you keep fighting—even if you encounter with relapses—then you are winning the battle.

Keep breathing, keep journaling, keep reminding yourself of the positive effects of refraining from acting out.

—HPNY

_________________
“Remember, we do bad things, but we are not bad people.”—Feed the Right Wolf

sober since: —
began recovery: January 25, 2012

Hate the real enemy

Thanks HP,
I need to refocus. The good thing is that I have not viewed real porn on the comp since January. My brain has really become more sensitive and rewired.
That is very positive.
The negative is that my motivation has dropped, and I really need to keep reminding myself of why this is such an important battle and not forget.
This is my day 4, so far so good.
One day at a time. Another day clean is another good day.
Ive been busy, which helps, but when there's down time I need to be careful.
P really makes the brain overstressed, which leads to irritability, lack of concentration, lack of stimulation by social interaction, social anxiety.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Hi Determined,

I just read this today over on "Your Brain on Porn":



I think of the techniques I have learned here, which I will now call, my "anti-porn exercises" (my brand new, not copyrighted, made up term,) as a daily medicine. I have to take an actual pill each day for my cholesterol. If I don't take it, I don't feel it, but it shows in my lab tests as elevated levels.

The anti-porn exercises are even more important to me than my cholesterol meds. I try to do them every day. I don't manage to get to all of them every day, however, and when I miss too much, I start to feel it.

Having said all that, I know the guilt, shame, hopelessness, and worthlessness that relapses bring—boy! do I know them.

Vigilence. It's an endless battle, unfortunately, but one that gets easier (at least I've heard that.)

—HPNY

_________________
“Remember, we do bad things, but we are not bad people.”—Feed the Right Wolf

sober since: —
began recovery: January 25, 2012

Hate the real enemy

Well, today is day 6, and I forgot to do my anti-p exercises first thing when I got to work.
Low and behold, I found myself googling something in my middle circle. That middle circle is what's killing me right now.
I never go to something in the inner circle anymore, but that middle one takes more resolve because its "not bad".
Well, if it has the same effect on me as p then it is bad.

Anyways, I stopped myself, made myself come to this site, read one exercise and read some journals and the craving left.
Sobering site, this.

It worked. Tomorrow is one clean week. It feels good.
Things with my wife are ok, but I still don't know where I stand exactly. She seems to be warming up to me moreso now, now that I am conscious and aware.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Hi Determined,

W00t! Awesome. That's how to keep fighting. The "other guy" may land some shots, but you keep swinging.

—HPNY

_________________
“Remember, we do bad things, but we are not bad people.”—Feed the Right Wolf

sober since: —
began recovery: January 25, 2012

Hate the real enemy

My subconcious brain keeps telling me lies, like, You can visit sites in your middle circle, they are not p.
Also, we'll just look for a few minutes, no harm.

The reality is, a few minutes in the middle circle often can lead to worse things later.

Trying to stay 100% clean. Today is day 8, I'm finding this a struggle again to get back up to 28 days and beyond, but I am going to keep reading, journalling, and taking it one day at a time.
I just need to get through today.
I want to get another 6 month record, boy will my brain be re-wired if I can do that again. I've come a long ways already, keep pressing forward.

I'm trying to make my recovery my hobby or project, it is so much more important than other activities, I must focus to improve myself as a person.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Well, sad to say I only made it to day 12 this time and then slipped.
The good news is I didn't look at p, just a middle circle show again. I have not looked at p since my original quit date of jan 25.
But I did act out, and thats what matters, so back to day 1.
I don't feel as guilty or down this time, I know what I have to do. It's unfortunate that even a tv show can set me off at this point, but it's like the recovering alcoholic that can no longer have a drop of booze for the rest of his life. I can't even "dabble" for the rest of mine.

I've said this before, but this time I feel more determined about it: No more middle circle tv shows.
I simply cannot even start watching them. I think this is the last hurdle for me towards a better life. It feels good that I have made it this far that I have one last hurdle to clear, and then I think I can join the ranks of Peter and some of the others on a free, real life. I feel confident and positive that I am knocking on the door.

Day 1 - for the rest of my life. I think this is the time that I finally beat this thing. That's confidence, not overconfidence. I know I will have to be careful, but I truly believe I can do this. Its been a long journey out of darkness, but I am on the homestretch.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.