Feed the Right Wolf

Yea, after posting here I played World of Warcraft for a while. Once I'm in the middle of WoW...I never quit WoW to act out...ever. I play until I've played however long I've planned to play that day. When I was done and I signed off, the craving was gone, although I did have a sexy dream last night, but I'm not feeling too triggered by it.

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When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Great job, proud of you! Keep it up.

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

So...I masturbated this morning, 3 times last night, and 3 times the night before. Just a slight binge...

I'm having a bit of insomnia problem too. I've been staying up later and later, and then somehow I'm waking up at 4 am or earlier and unable to get back to sleep. The past couple days at work I've been starting to act drunk because I'm so behind on sleep.

I talked before of just allowing it in moderation, but...yea, that isn't happening. Once I do it, I just want to do it again, and again, and again. The only solution is to stop completely.

Given my sleep deprivation status, and just my frustration with work, I don't really even care that I've relapsed. I mean, I do, but I don't really feel the shame very much.

So...yea, what happened? Well...I have very little time in my schedule after work, and watching the recovery videos was pushing me past my bedtime sometimes, and it's that whole, once you break a boundary you just go all out sort of thing. And so I just started staying up really late figuring I already screwed up my sleep.

We're supposed to figure out the reason that we act out right? Something deeper than, we enjoy the feeling. So what is it for me? I think for me...I just don't find life satisfying. I feel like crap all the time. I'm overworked, verbally abused, don't have time to eat lunch, and don't really have anything satisfying happening in my life. About the best thing I have in my life is playing WoW.

Hopefully once I go back to college that will help with the satisfying life part. Right now 3 weeks just seems so far away, but hopefully once I'm actually there I'll feel like my life is worth something again, and I'll be moving towards a real career, towards having a job that pays enough that I can have my own place, towards being a real adult I guess.

For now I'm going to stop the recovery program.

I went 43 days last summer without using any sort of recovery program, or really even trying. Even days off weren't the impossible struggle that they are now, even when I was bored. I think this constant reminder of it is just making me more tempted to be honest. I get on here every morning and update my counter and remind myself of where I am in my addiction. When I'm bored I sometimes go here and read about the addiction. Then there's the video programs. Now it's all I can think about. It's like an alcoholic looking at a bottle of wine in his fridge every day. I didn't really have the cravings last summer that I have now. I never used to look at girls at work and get cravings and intense feelings. It was more "wow you're showing alot" and it was over and that was that.

I appreciate everything that's going on here, but I'm going to take a break from all this recovery stuff. I'm going to stop counting days and just live my life. It makes you focus on the addiction at least once a day. I get all hyped about the milestones and stuff, and then I relapse because of all the anticipation of making it. I'm done with this. I'm just going to forget about it.

Thanks for all your support guys, but for now, goodbye. When I happen to think of it and I've reached a good number of days, perhaps I'll come back and post about it so it can be an encouragement for others, but I'm going to stop coming here on a regular basis for the time being.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

It's been great TBF, hope to hear from you again..

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Just want to say that on saturday I had a day off, and for the FIRST time this entire season...I did not relapse on my day off when I stayed at home all day. Today is day 7, and I also have today off. And I'm not relapsing today either. I can't. Why? Well...I was um...cutting myself out of some constriction a few days ago...and I um...accidentally scissored my penis. It's not too bad...it certainly could've been a lot worse. But, the good news is, I'm not relapsing today either. There's really no way I can masturbate with that cut there right now. This gets me past day 7, and it will also give me 2 times in a row where I've had a day off without relapsing, so maybe that will give me some confidence. I have to say, without all the programs and posting here everday, I think I have thought less about the addiction this past week. Anyway, I'll post back from time to time...not sure how often, but I'll be lurking around. Note: I don't suggest cutting your penis as a way to prevent yourself from masturbating.

So...college in 2 weeks. I've also decided to work weekends during college and see how it goes. If it goes well, when this season ends in october, I did get a job offer from someone I work with to work as a manager with them on their second job. So I consider doing that as well. If I had college 5 days a week (and stayed there like 8 am - 5 pm every day just as habit to make sure my schoolwork gets done on time and I don't procrastinate), and then work on both weekend days...there would essentially be no days off, which tend to be my problem. Most people work through college anyway, why shouldn't I? I need the money. I just have to be disciplined about my schoolwork so I don't get behind. Maybe working weekends will be an extra encouragement to stay ahead of things during the week too, who knows. Anyway, if I can manage weekend work for 90 days, then...you know, maybe that would make it a lot easier for me to make it to 90.

Anyway, I'll see you guys around.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Well, today is day 15. I've had very little in the way of cravings since I last posted. I think it's been good for me not to think about it all the time. I did however...end up staying up really late a number of nights in a row, and then ended up doing 2 nights of very intense self-injury. I did end up leaving very little evidence of it on my body though. I was talking with a couple close friends about it, and I was like, "It's pretty amazing how much pain I was able to cause myself without leaving much of a mark on my body." And they were like, "you have no idea how disturbing that sounds." Heh...I bet. I was in so much pain I could barely stand up. I was practically writing in agony, and yet I was always wondering...could I go further? I kept going until finally I went as far as I could physically stand. I don't think mentally I was capable of causing myself to endure pain any more intense than what I experienced that night. And yet, as I said, remarkably I was able to accomplish this leaving almost no evidence on my body.

Now, yes, as disturbing as this sounds...I do think some good came out of this. Before, it was always like...if I could just go further, I would be satisfied...but that night, I went as far as I could mentally force myself to go, and I think I've finally realized, that no matter how much pain I cause myself, I will never be satisfied. I've told myself I would stop SI before, but I never before got to the point where I truly realized that more pain could not satisfy me, and now I realize that. No amount of pain is ever going to satisfy me. For whatever reason I'm seeking it out, I will never be satisfied, so I might as well stop. And so, at 2 am, I cleaned out my room. I got rid of everything I had ever or could ever use in any perverted way to hurt myself. I got rid of an entire large trash bag of stuff and threw it away. Not only that, but I destroyed everything as I threw it away. I broke them, cut them into pieces, etc, whatever it took to ensure that even if I dug it out of the trash before it was picked up, it would no longer be usable in a way that could hurt me.

I'm quite sure that after that night...I will never hurt myself again, because I realize now, that it will never satisfy me. I am not doing it ever again. I've finally taken it far enough.

So anyway, that was...saturday night. I had been sleeping about 3-5 hours a night for 9 days straight at that point. Sunday after work I was just dead tired. That's when I broke down after work and told two of my close friends about my SI incident friday and saturday. I stayed at the dorms sunday night, because I honestly didn't feel I could physically make the drive home at that point. Monday and tuesday night I've gone to bed at 8:15 and gotten 9 hours of sleep. I still felt terrible monday and tuesday, but finally today I'm starting to feel somewhat awake again.

Work is slowing down as the summer season ends, and so it's getting less stressful and I'm actually able to take lunch breaks again. College starts on tuesday so that's exciting. Anyway...that's all for now.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

That is great to hear tobefree. It sounds like you are ready to close out the previous chapter of your life and begin a fresh one. I reached a similar point as well. I have eczema and this past year was the worst I have had it. I just lost all my energy and usually felt extremely depressed and alone. I hit the bottom for me. Porn wasn't even enjoyable for me anymore. I was doing it just because it was a habit. I know that if I had continued I would have been in a horrible condition.

Now though, I feel like I'm slowly coming out of it. I have more energy and ambition now. My skin is slowly clearing up and I can focus and concentrate better. There is still a long way to go to get back to where I want to be but I can just take it one day at a time and enjoy this recovery process.

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Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

Man, I feel like crap again. I got 9 hours of sleep last night again, for the 3rd night in a row, but my energy level and mood dropped off quite a bit in the afternoon. I felt pretty tired while driving home too.

I just...I never feel happy anymore. I always feel down in the dumps. I know I should be happy and excited about college starting in a few days, but somehow it just doesn't quite feel like reality yet. And frankly I'm getting kinda overwhelmed by huge list of little things that need to be done: ordering your books, getting your parking permit, accept financial aid, doing the entrance counseling, signing your mpn, buying a meal plan, getting a laptop, getting office, getting a university email account, getting a university conference system account, getting all the school supplies...none of the things are particularly hard, but it's just one thing after another thing after another that needs to be done, and working 60 hours a week it's just hard to find the energy and motivation to get it all done.

Also, I'm finding that I already am having desires to hurt myself again. I know that it won't satisfy me, and I'm telling myself that to keep myself from doing anything, but even after that night, I still have the desire to hurt myself. Aside from orgasm, and maybe even greater than orgasm, it's the most intense thing I can experience right now, and honestly without orgasm or self-harm...I just feel...blah. I don't really feel anything except exhaustion and depression from the abuse at work. I just feel like my life doesn't have any purpose or meaning. It's just day after day of drugery, abuse, and exhaustion, and I just want to feel something else. Is that so wrong?

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

So, saturday and sunday I woke up well before my alarm clock, so hopefully that means that I'm catching up on sleep. Saturday I went to college and accomplished a lot of last minute things I needed to do. I felt really good on saturday about life. I went into work on sunday, my mood was still about 9 out of 10. I found that the idiot who covers my shift on my day off didn't do much of anything, and so I literally needed to make everything on the list, which of course, there isn't time to do. Still, I maintained a good mood. Later in the afternoon, when he came in, things went downhill. I told him that he needed to make me some stuff because I was running out, and he told me that I was lazy and didn't do anything and he was tired of doing my job, and refused to make anything. I later found out that he came in an hour and a half late for his shift on my day off. So I had to make everything up on the line to order the rest of the day. And the whole time he would keep coming up to taunt me and call me lazy and make fun of me, and basically do nothing all afternoon. By the time I left, my mood was about 3 of 10.

I have had enough. This bullshit needs to stop. I am giving my manager a choice this morning: either he gives this employee off (since he is solely responsible for 90% of the bullying I receive) on the weekends that I work, or I put in my 2-week notice today. He can call it what he wants, but it is downright abuse and harassment. There's no if's and's or but's about it. It is bullying. It is abuse. And it is wrong. And I will not put up with this shit anymore. There's no reason to subject myself to this day after day. There's no reason for me to go home hating life every day because of him. So if he won't give him the weekends off when I work, then I will put in my 2-week notice and get the hell out of that place.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Well, my manager agreed not to schedule him the next weekend, and after that he's no longer going to be working there. So, it looks like I got what I wanted.

Starting college tomorrow!!!

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13