Well, today is day 15. I've had very little in the way of cravings since I last posted. I think it's been good for me not to think about it all the time. I did however...end up staying up really late a number of nights in a row, and then ended up doing 2 nights of very intense self-injury. I did end up leaving very little evidence of it on my body though. I was talking with a couple close friends about it, and I was like, "It's pretty amazing how much pain I was able to cause myself without leaving much of a mark on my body." And they were like, "you have no idea how disturbing that sounds." Heh...I bet. I was in so much pain I could barely stand up. I was practically writing in agony, and yet I was always wondering...could I go further? I kept going until finally I went as far as I could physically stand. I don't think mentally I was capable of causing myself to endure pain any more intense than what I experienced that night. And yet, as I said, remarkably I was able to accomplish this leaving almost no evidence on my body.
Now, yes, as disturbing as this sounds...I do think some good came out of this. Before, it was always like...if I could just go further, I would be satisfied...but that night, I went as far as I could mentally force myself to go, and I think I've finally realized, that no matter how much pain I cause myself, I will never be satisfied. I've told myself I would stop SI before, but I never before got to the point where I truly realized that more pain could not satisfy me, and now I realize that. No amount of pain is ever going to satisfy me. For whatever reason I'm seeking it out, I will never be satisfied, so I might as well stop. And so, at 2 am, I cleaned out my room. I got rid of everything I had ever or could ever use in any perverted way to hurt myself. I got rid of an entire large trash bag of stuff and threw it away. Not only that, but I destroyed everything as I threw it away. I broke them, cut them into pieces, etc, whatever it took to ensure that even if I dug it out of the trash before it was picked up, it would no longer be usable in a way that could hurt me.
I'm quite sure that after that night...I will never hurt myself again, because I realize now, that it will never satisfy me. I am not doing it ever again. I've finally taken it far enough.
So anyway, that was...saturday night. I had been sleeping about 3-5 hours a night for 9 days straight at that point. Sunday after work I was just dead tired. That's when I broke down after work and told two of my close friends about my SI incident friday and saturday. I stayed at the dorms sunday night, because I honestly didn't feel I could physically make the drive home at that point. Monday and tuesday night I've gone to bed at 8:15 and gotten 9 hours of sleep. I still felt terrible monday and tuesday, but finally today I'm starting to feel somewhat awake again.
Work is slowing down as the summer season ends, and so it's getting less stressful and I'm actually able to take lunch breaks again. College starts on tuesday so that's exciting. Anyway...that's all for now.
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.
Modesty is sexy.
Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13