Feed the Right Wolf

Sub,
I think a lot of us have used p&m to run from our thoughts and feelings for so long, that now we are getting flooded with emotion, negative thoughts and being forced to deal with them in the real world instead of hiding from them.
I think's it's normal to feel pretty down from the flood of emotions coming back when we are trying to quit. It will get better though as we learn to deal with emotions like human beings instead of like zombies.
One day at a time.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

thank you for your insight. its very true. and i think the deeper/longer you have been in that zombie land of numbness that is porn addiction..the harder these emotions come back to shock/scare and even warp your sober reality. i have been a heavy porn user/addict for around 15 years. the content escalted to levels that have not only led me to question my sexuality but my self worth and sanity. images are burned into my memory and my brain has a direct wiring to arrousal from these things that now make me sick to my stomach. but at the same time during relapse i will try and get those images back for that powerful kick of dopamine. i literally feel sick about this and all the feelings along with it. it simply is not healthy. i have never watched anything illegal and i cannot judge it and say its wrong..to each their own but due to my abuse and extreme compulsiveness with porn..it has single handly been a distructive/depressive/anti social/life numbing/motivation killing disease that has brought me litterally to the brink of loosing my mind. images pop into my head 24/7..sexually voilent/extreme /unwanted/anxiety brewing/sickening/unrelenting/tormenting/tortureous kind of images and thoughts ..im sure the feelings i get around and days after a relapse could be dangerous to my mental heath..im sure of it. ive relapsed heavy and hard so many times in the 8 months ive been trying to beat this. sometimes i think about just giving in totally and going back to regualr daily porn use(abuse)..but couldnt bear to see my self fall into that state of un knowing/un feeling..voided ..in pain but totally unaware depressed and numb. ive been noticing my relapses are getting heavier and harder to control. i think because i have a very complicated filtering system its virtually impossible for me to get the content i have been use to getting so easily and quickly. im aware that i cannot get the fix that i need. which in my case is very hardcore/extreme porn videos. ofcourse after a week or so with no relapse a simple bakini will set me well of into no comming back but once im there. in full binge relapse..i quickly start looking for a way to get a bigger hit of dopamine. ive been able to break down the relapse once i come out of it. when im in it its almost like im a crack head getting his rock after being in rehab for a couple days. im voided..tunnel vision and feinding on any media that i can sexualize and tame the addict cravings. its almost scary and when looking back i really wonder if i can beat this or if it really is like crack and i need some kind of proper rehab. im continuing on. to learn to impliment new ideas/methods to keep this at bay until the addictive mind is more at ease. lord knows i have a world full of fears and emotions in my mind. some since childhood ..and after educating myself on this condition i do fit the vunerable percentage of the porn addict population. im really comming to terms with the fact that my father abandoning me and my mother really tore me apart as a child and left me with self esteem and confidence issues. these issues are still apparent with my relations with women. i fear commitment..i fear rejection. theres never either with porn..plus its feel good sexual and with the internet unlimited stimulus...wow if i only knew this 15 years ago.

damnn..

8 months into recovery..countless binge relapse days later..
ive learned alot. ive gained more clearity and wisdom in these past 8 months than the past 15 years. i knew the feelings i had but could never process them..porn just soaked them all up and dosed me with pain killing pixels. thank god ive seen the light and been able to come out of this. no matter how many relapses try to pull me back in..it will not work. ive seen the truth and where i need to be in life and porn has no place in it anymore. the real task is removing from my mind body soul...
wow..

Hi subpad

- subpad

Friend, I know, it's a tiring fight.. 15 years is quite long. For my case, I'm in the 11th year of my addiction. But hope is still there. There are people who had worse struggle but manage to overcome the PMO. What is needed are strong reasons to be sober plus with discipline to our commitments, i.e. ERP, journalling, etc.

Heard you have a hard time with your girl. Woman is a strong motivating factor for man. There were several times that love made me stay sober too. My first love-driven sobriety caused me to achieve 10 days clean, whilst the 2nd love-driven sobriety caused me to achieve 20+ days, but later on I relapse for abandoning the practice ERP. But trust me man, self-love should not be forgotten as well.. Try to forgive ourselves when we fell into the cycle of addiction, not to mingle in the past for all day long (as it will be counter-productive, causing us to be deep in sorrow), not to set high expectation for our recovery, just accept our current condition, just be good for each moment. Like what has been written by one of our comrades,

Recently, I've read articles & watched videos on the Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz's method to overcome OCD. I would like to share with you, for it has been helpful for me too. The method can be incorporated with the ERP as well.

An Introductory Overview of the 4 steps treatment for OCD:

- Why it keeps bothering? It's more the medical (brain) issues, not really the psychological issues.
1) Relabel : - calling the problematic thoughts with its right's name.
-"I'm having urge, it is the OCD symptoms, this is just my OCD."
-I'm having OCD symptoms.
2) Reattribute : - relate to the real reason
-"It's not me wanting to do this, it's just my OCD that making me wanting to do it."
-This is caused by a medical condition.
*the long vission : not to identify yourself with the OCD
* Annoying bothersome feeling. So, have to actively remind yourself, "It doesn't make sense."
3) Refocus : - do simple, enjoyable, achievable activities. Anything that you do that challenges the believe of the OCD.
-"Since it's not me, it's only my OCD, what I can do is to refocus and change the way the brain is responding."
*overriding the active response for the OCD symptoms with new constructive behaviours.
4) Revalue : - New healthy way of seeing and responding to the OCD thoughts, due to the regularly training of the 3 earlier steps.
*15 minutes rule: rule of thumb for the refocus activities.

By the way, if you have time, you may read this inspiring journal as well, at http://mediadoggz.livejournal.com/764.html . He had been a PMO addict for 18 years, became a porn-producer and even acting in the set. But those were his past. His story is pretty moving as well. He even responded to my e-mails.

I wish you all the best in your path of recovery, my friend . Best of luck to you. And do pray for my sobriety as well.

Bye ~

-destiny

_________________
"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

thank you very much for your thoughts. its interesting you sent me this information on ocd. im not sure if i have mentioned that but i do have ocd and often suffer from heavy flare ups from it. basically if im unbalanced in anyway ocd comes back. often when im stressed/alone/exhausted..etc. i know porn has become one of my compulsions and its connected to relieving all of my stress anxiety and worries(which are my obsessions). porn addciton can be extremely difficult to overcome for people without ocd but perhaps even more so for people with ocd if they are unaware. becomming educated on these matters is the most important starting point.

currently at day 5. aside from a couple sexually charged dreams and occassional day time anxiety flashes..im feeling good.
i try to journal here and in private as much as possible but erp is something i often slack off on. mainly because i dont know how to use it properly. 1. i cannot see any kind of triggering images because it sends me off to relpase..

2. just thinking of triggers is enough to cause me distress to fight the urges off..

so i often avoid erp..basically i just try some deep breaths every once in a while to clear my mind. i know i should be doing erp more as it is invaluable..

day 6 clean. been staying away from the internet in general. thats helping wonders. ive been busy with work this week so its not so tough to stack up some clean days.

on a side note tho. i tried to mention this issue to a friend of mine and surprisingly so i found that he seemed to think porn use. light or heavy or even addiction is normal..i just left the conversation there because clearly he has no idea on the issue. i simply told him to research the issue and then come talk to me. i think alot of people who struggle with porn simply have no idea they are struggling with it until something disasterous happens. perhaps he too is on the border of having a problem with it and is just not ready to admit it.

anyway i can feel some positive energy building in me with just 6 clean days since the last relapse. i cannot say what will happen in the comming days/weeks..etc but as usual with this battle i will do my best.

sub

day 9 totally clean. been busy with work and spending time out with friends so its been fairly easy. aside from some mild anxiety flashes and some sexually charged dreams..ive been feeling good/confident/positive about my current attempt to stay clean. i havent been doing my erp but i have been journaling a bit and i have been trying to stay busy/out of the house as much as possible. i think i need a long cleanse period befor i can attempt to do erp because it often leads me to relapse in early stages..
anyway looking forward to stacking more clean days..

sub

well today is clean day 10. lastnight was very tough. one of my toughest. i was not so compelled by porn this time but just the idea of masturbation to get my mind at ease from the arrousal that was going on. it seemss like im in a no win situation..if im on porn im a mess and if im off porn im a mess..yet another trick the addictive side is using to make me fall back into the cycle. i was feeling fine untill lastnight..now it seems as if i have failed but i didnt do anything..somehow today i feel gulty or ashamed just by the urges and thoughts and arrousal. i did not masturbate i did not look at any porn or any sexally charged images. i was simply tring to sleep and got overwhelemed with arrrousal and urges to masturbate.i attempted to masturbate in the shower but i didnt/couldnt do it because i know its going to make me feel like shit all over again and thats not healthy. i think regular masturbation is healthy.. but not when you have become sickened with porn addiction and masturbation bingeing. so just befor i attempted to masturbate the arrousal went away and i felt like i need not do it. day 10 still clean but feeling uneasy about the conflictedness of it all..got to push forward and stay focused..

regards
sub