After thinking about it, I've decided to restart my count as of Monday. So that means I'm currently on Day 4. Even though I acted out on Monday by viewing porn, on Monday I "binged" on Internet forums (non-porn) which I believe gives me the same dopamine response in my brain. I feel like I'm in a trance always looking for something new and I ended up browsing forums for about 4 hours and even skipped lunch because of it. On Tuesday, my skin acted up again and I believe it's because of the stress that I placed on my body during that time.
So not only am I looking to get clean from p&m, at the same time, I'm going to tackle this Internet addiction problem. The sites that are the most problematic, I've blocked on my router. However, on Monday, I logged into my router and disabled the blocking so I could surf those sites. That should have been a warning sign right there. These sites, while non-porn and interesting, really don't add any value to my life and I want to stop visiting them as I tend to get sucked into them.
Even though I viewed porn on Saturday, I'm half-proud, half-disappointed with myself. I'm proud that I actually made it through the toughest urges. I felt the strongest sexual energy in the afternoon and knew at that time I needed to go for a walk. The urge got stronger during my walk but eventually calmed down. When I gave in and viewed porn in the evening, I wasn't even that interested in doing it anymore. I think my old habit took over. But this experience gives me hope that I can get through strong sexual urges without acting out. When I don't give in, from what I've read, the strength of them should get lower and lower until my body gets in a more constant state instead of being so up and down all the time. I'll be better prepared to handle this next time.
I'm a little disappointed because if I had just held off another couple of hours it would have been bedtime and I would have made it through the day completely clean.
Reflecting on Monday's experience of binging on Internet forums, I think I was still stressed from Saturday and needed to calm down. (I also felt stressed on Sunday but was out of the house most of the day). I believe my skin reactions are mostly a result of stress and they are a good indicator of how I am doing. I need to avoid logging into my router to change settings. If it happens again, I will get my wife to change the password so that only she knows it. I have also been trying to relax more during my free time this week and I have noticed that I have been gradually feeling better since Tuesday. During my spare time I will meditate a lot as that seems to help me the most to relax and recover. I've tried reading or watching movies but even that sometimes makes me too stressed so I will lay off that until I noticed my skin no longer shows signs of stress. When I feel I am back to normal health, I can slowly start introducing other things into my life again.
As I mentioned before, I've started working from the library where I don't have Internet access and that is also helping me a lot. It's better for me to be around people and I focus much better without the temptations of the Internet.
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012