Feed the Right Wolf

another couple of days and another couple of heavy binge relapses. ive long since realized i cannot beat this alone. ive been essentially fighting this war by myself with no direct issue specific support from anyone. im now single living alone in japan. i have decided to seek help from a therapist and hopefully they will also be able to connect me to a 12 steps group. i fought long and hard by myself and i simply cannot do this by myself. in the meantime i will re start and continue on. i know full well my relapses have prevented my progression and i need to take the steps to really get past this. i will also do my best to improve the efforts i put into my journal here.

Day 1

CHECKLIST:
8 Hours of Sleep
exercise light walking
meditation

STRONG EMOTIONS:
dispair/hoplessness from today and yesterdays relapses

NEGATIVE ENERGY:
dispair/hoplessness/slight depression

SOCAIL ACTITIVITES:
work meetings/good talks with co worker
talked with friends
arranged meeting with therapist

POSITIVE LESSONS:
this addiction has nothing to do with my true desires or feelings

THANKFUL FOR:
alive and healthy
descent job
friends/family

Hi Subpad,

I checked and unfortunately there are no SAA meetings in Japan, although there may be other 12 step groups there. One alternative could be phone / electronic meetings, you can find a list here: http://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/Electr ... ffset=-420

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

yea ive been checking for saa groups here too. i think there was saa groups at one point but they seem to have stopped. i know there are alot of AA groups. i was wondering if an AA group would be benificial? any thoughts?

Unfortunately sex addiction is still pretty stigmatized, even among other addicts whose addiction is to other things (alcohol, drugs, etc). I think part of this is that most other addicts are have issues with sexual addiction themselves and don't want to face that. Either way, it can be intimidating or even unwelcome to bring up sex addiction at an AA meeting for some. It's definitely possible to take what you learn about alcoholism and apply it to sex addiction; in fact, for years SAA didn't have an actual book, but instead used AA's big book and replaced "alcohol" with "unhealthy sexual behavior".

Sorry this didn't directly answer your question... I guess my feeling is that if AA meetings are all that's available, I would suggest trying it.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

heavy hangover home alone all day. this always ends badly. yes yet another bad binge relapse. main thing i keep telling myself is no matter how often or how deep a relapse pulls me back in..im not going back to that way of living. today was really bad and i think i let myself slip because i know i will be seeing a therapist this week. like thats going to all of a sudden clear everything up magically and i can slip up one last time. that is the kind of mentality i go threw with this stuff. its maddening but i must re group and continue on. im really hoping this thearapist is going to help me in ways i havent been able to help myself. still i remain positive and confident i will get past this. today is a write off but i look forward to day 1 tomorrow.

best wishes and im sorry i havent been so successful as of late in this battle. i will turn this around and i will have better days and inspiration in the future.

regards
sub

even tho i feel shame hopelessness and dread at this point it is important for me to use this forum as my outlet to be totally honest. as i really have no other place to do so at the moment. yesterday was yet another wasted binge out day. last couple of relapses have been very heavy and very hard to recover from. seems like ive been learning from past relapses but these last couple have been just voided relapses where ive just let myself go. living alone and being single has alot to do with this i know. im trying my best to change that as soon as possible. one thing that is certain is this whole thing is much bigger than i could have ever imagined. making the cycle that much more difficult. i dont know what im useing porn for but surely there are alot of fears/stresses/insecurities/pain/negativity/depression/lonliness etc that im trying to erase with this stuff. i genuinely need to be out of this and right now i feel like im back at square one. the last two days have left me in a virtual erotic haze. just like the zombie i was last year before i realized this madness. and a year later it seems ive fought so hard only to end up back in the same place. with all that said. i still must continue..pick myself up and push forward. im seeking help with a thearapist in 2 days so hopefully that will do me good to say all of these things out loud to someone. and not just someone but a trained professional. hopefully they can help restructure my gameplan and help me get on a more comprehensive course of action. anyway i still have the upmost hope that this will be beaten. i guess these relapses have taught me something afterall..i need more support. this battle cannot be won alone.

blessings
sub

day 3 clean. went to therapist today for the first and probably last time. the talk and advice as really good and its very good to verbalise all the thoughts but the price is simply too much. in japan this kind of therapy is not covered by any kind of insurance so the initial session cost me about $180 UDS. the therapist recommended a 10 session course over the run of a couple months. $1800 is way beyond what i can afford for this.. i guess the best i can do is stick to the fight on my own and journaling here.

Day 3

CHECKLIST:
exercise~ long bike ride
meditation

STRONG EMOTIONS:
sadness thinking about absence of my father in my life ..deaths in my family.

NEGATIVE ENERGY:
sadness

SOCAIL ACTITIVITES:
went to japanese school

POSITIVE LESSONS:
forgiving is the first step towards moving forward

THANKFUL FOR:
alive and healthy
realizing and connecting the dots of life
time to reflect
friends/family

Hi Subpad, welcome.

I would suggest the following things that might help give you some support. First, I would definitely go to AA meetings or any other 12 step programs you can find and just say that you are an alcoholic and also a porn addict. Many alcoholics are aware how horrible it is to be addicted to something harmful, and so mentioning that you use porn to cope might not be as surprising as you may think. If you aren't comfortable with that, than just say you are an alcoholic--I have said this at AA meetings and just sat and listened to the steps to remind me how they work. The steps are the same for every addiction, they are a spiritual program which reminds us to ask a higher power for help, and trust others for support. I have found AA meetings fairly helpful when no SA/SLA/SAA meetings are around.

My second suggestion would be to check out Candeo as a possible recovery program. Alex talks about his experience with it in the recovery course here, and though a lot of the information is available on this site already, having access to a personal coach with whom you can send messages back and forth is a nice feature. There is also a lot of support to be found on the forum, and you are can get responses to many of your questions within a day or two. It costs about $250 dollars if you buy up-front--certainly not cheap, but a lot cheaper than paying $1800 for therapy.

Hope this helps,

James

day 7 clean. its not been easy at times but i managed to get threw the week. also had a terrible hangover yesterday as i didnt get home until 8 am from a night out. usually i never make it through those kind of days. the hangover anxiety plus being home just tying to rest/sleep off a hangover usualy always means viewing porn at some point. the fact that i made it through that situation is a very positive step. its usually my weakest situaiton and i normally need to be fully occupied and out of the house on such days. anyway heading into a new wweak and i can only pray to stay on the path to my goal.

week 1 recap

CHECKLIST:
exercise~ long bike rides and walks
meditation/prayers (not even religious but came to that)

STRONG EMOTIONS:
sadness thinking about absence of my father in my life .
deaths in my family.
very heavy emotional release around day 2 and 3. broke down in tears several times. this habbit has clearly been medicating and numbing feelings i need to process.

NEGATIVE ENERGY:
sadness
dispair
hoplessness


SOCAIL ACTITIVITES:
went to japanese school basically every day this week.
met friends on weekend.
went out to a live event

POSITIVE LESSONS:
forgiving is the first step towards moving forward.
releasing the strong deeply buried feelings are not possible while in relapse or addictive state.


THANKFUL FOR:
this site
alive and healthy
opening my eyes and mind for my own faults and shortcommings
realizing and connecting the dots of life
time to reflect
friends/family

day 9 clean. starting to reach a more stable mindset. as it takes me about a week to come out of the haze/negativity of a relapse. just trying to stay busy and positive. not a whole lot to report. just praying to stay clean.

best
sub