Feed the Right Wolf

Two sober days in a row now since acting out on Saturday. I keep having to battle negative thoughts and OCD which tell me I cannot have peace of mind because of my past. This is completely untrue however--with persistence and continued abstinence I will no longer have this thoughts and compulsions, but it will take some time for them to diminish. The only thing that matters is having a good day tomorrow and sticking to my routine.

I need to spend less time thinking about the past and more time thinking about the present and future. Instead of worrying about recent slips, I should think about how wonderful it would be to go 30 days sober and how great it would feel. Honestly, a period of abstinence like that would go a long way toward recovery and many of these negative thoughts I have been having would become weaker and less intrusive. This is a completely realistic and attainable goal, and I won't give up until I accomplish it.

Day 3 of being sober and feeling good. I got myself to a meeting and shared which felt good. Seeing the way God has helped so many addicts turn their life around is always really inspiring. These people just kept believing, kept reaching out for help, and kept coming back. When I'm older I will keep coming to meetings, not just to keep myself sober, but to give back and offer my experience, strength, and hope to the next generation of addicts. I've caused a lot of damage in my own life, the least I can do is get sober and start helping others find their own sobriety.

I've started reading some of the articles on yourbrainonporn.com. I first visited the site a year ago and watched the entire video, but there are actually some really useful resources throughout the site. The one I read today was a list of common lies that our addicted brain tells us when we have cravings. Some of the ones I can easily identify with are:

- "What's the point? I can't imagine myself not PMOing for the rest of my whole life."
- "Tonight I looked at XXX-extreme porn that was SO WEIRD! I don't want my last night of fapping to be remembered as something so nasty!"
- "I'll quit when I have a girlfriend. I can't quit while I'm single"

I have definitely thought these things before, and they are not rationalizations but flat out lies. Now I can easily refute all three of them: 1. I can imagine a wonderful life without porn 2. Looking at disgusting porn reminds me how stupid and unappealing it is, and besides with time the memories will fade away and the last night won't matter any more 3. The best time to quit is right now, before I can hurt anyone I love, and having a girlfriend or wife won't solve my addiction one bit, only persistence and faith will.

At the end of the post the author writes: "The most important advice is: YOU CAN QUIT ANY TIME. NOW IS THE BEST TIME. START NOW. YOU WILL SAY THE SAME BS TOMORROW. HAVE FAITH IN THE PROGRAM.

Absolutely true. The best time to be sober is right now, these stupid excuses will keep coming back day after day until I put a stop to them. Today, my only promise is that I will refute these excuses the second they come up.

4 Days without any porn or masturbation. I typed in the address for a porn password trading last night during a craving but it didn't work, I think it has been shut down or something. This is great news--that site probably wasn't legal anyway (not that I feel bad for the porn sites that were getting ripped off, but it deserved to be shut down) and this eliminates a big middle circle behavior for me. Still, I am not happy that I let the responder talk me into checking out a site that can lead to porn, and that I let my curiosity get the best of me. Who cares what's new--it's all the same crap as usual, people having sex on camera for money, nothing more.

Last time I snooped around like this I ended up acting out on other sites, but I luckily reread my journal entry from last night. I reminded myself that the best time to make a healthy choice is right now, no more waiting until morning to be sober, it's gotta be right now. It doesn't matter if I acted out 10 weeks ago, 10 days ago, or 10 minutes ago, the best thing I can do is be sober right this minute. Looking forward to staying sober the rest of tonight and then working on tomorrow when it comes.

That... is outstanding. Now is almost always the best time to do whatever it is you want.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Day 5. A lot of negative thoughts were swirling around in my head today but I pushed past them with faith that God is with me regardless of how I am feeling. These thoughts are only temporary, whereas my relationship with God is permanent as long as I continue to believe. I just kept repeating to myself "no craving can last forever, they will go away if I just breathe and stay positive" and they faded away time after time. Again, cravings are just temporary states that come and go, and they will become more and more fleeting as I gain sobriety.

Yes Absolution that phrase is great--it literally saved me from acting out a few days ago. It is the total truth about many of my excuses. It is the answer to all of these stupid OCD thoughts like "wait, before I quit I need to..." or "my last time can't be like this because..." and reading it aloud makes me feel a lot more confident about getting sober. It really simplifies my thinking regarding this addiction. I am staying sober right now, and that's all that matters.

Just had a slip on my 8th day of sobriety, so now I'm back on day 1. I was pretty disappointed to relapse twice in one day after making so much progress, but I am still really happy to make it a full week without any porn or masturbation. Cravings aren't as strong as they were last year at this time, and the total number of slips this summer is way down from last summer. As usual, I started thinking about my "last time" and how I don't want to have to remember it, but I reread my journal post from last week and got over it: it doesn't matter what the last slip is, all that matters is staying sober today. This rings more true than ever because after a week I was already starting to not care about my past slips--maybe I got complacent, but the point is is that after a period of sobriety I was so happy that all of the past experiences didn't bother me any more. Imagine how good I would feel after 30 days of sobriety, I bet these slips would feel like a thing of the past.

So I am starting a new streak and am just going to stick to the program and let God handle the results. I just need to keep up the good work and the results will happen.

End of day 3. It's all about staying positive and being thankful for the great things in my life. Let me just list a few: my relationship with God is stronger now than at any point in the past, I am closer to my family members since I told them about my addiction, I am getting a lot of deep emotional issues resolved with my therapist, I am quite healthy physically and have been more active than ever. With all of this (and more) what's the point at looking at porn? It doesn't make me feel good, and I have tons of great things going on without this addiction slowing me down. I can't imagine how wonderful things could be if I had some real abstinence, it would probably feel incredible. No matter how bad the cravings might get in the next week or so, I know that in the long run these feelings will go away. They only get weaker and weaker the more sobriety I achieve.

Bad slip yesterday during the day. I shouldn't have been alone for such a long period of time but I started browsing around and despite making two phone calls, I still found myself browsing for something intriguing. Eventually I caved a binged for several hours, and then felt really bad afterwards. I am really grateful to have a supportive family and some wonderful friends--this addiction has caused a lot of pain but at the same time strengthened my faith in God and in other people. I'm feeling a lot of compassion that I didn't feel back when I was just coasting through life without any knowledge of this addiction. Still, that was a tough relapse and I need to get right back on track today.

So day 1 has been good so far, I've spent a lot of time with family and stayed completely sober. Just because I slipped does not mean that I doomed to fail over and over, eventually I will get there, but it just takes some time. I am going to try and take more pleasure in things that bring health, to really enjoy the good pleasures in life and let them gradually replace those that lead to pain and suffering. Sometimes I just go 7 days sober and don't take the time to reflect and celebrate each victory; I'll just take it for granted and only focus on the slip. So this week, I want to really let my brain experience the joy of healthy pleasure, of reading a good book, exercising, talking on the phone, being outdoors, enjoying a snack etc. It isn't about avoiding porn next week, it's all about being fully immersed in pleasurable things that are both healthy and meaningful.

Day 2. Completely sober due to staying active and spending time with family. It felt good to spend time with other people and get outdoors, and minimize the amount of time on the computer. I still had a craving or two but did some ERP and got rid of it. I have been slacking on my practice recently, and I have been making excuses like being too tired to pray and then practice when I wake up. So what I've been doing lately is praying first, then showering and maybe also breakfast, and then doing my practice when I am more alert. It doesn't suffice to just do a little breathing and say a statement to myself and call it a day. I need to seriously imagine a trigger, and keep thinking about it until I feel the chemicals start to release, so that I can really practice facing temptation. I've been cutting it too short and need to seriously take some time out of my morning to do a solid practice. I will get used to this as part of my routine and it won't be so annoying after a while to do it. My brain has a lot of rewiring to do, and it needs more practice than just the times where I feel triggered naturally--it needs daily proof that it can feel temptation and making a healthy choice successfully.

So this morning I took my practice seriously, and I plan to set aside some time before bed to do my second practice. It is all about taking two steps forward for every step back, and making progress every day. Just avoiding porn all day and not doing my practice (in addition to prayer, exercising, connecting etc.) doesn't move me forward, it just keeps me where I am. As long as I am patient with myself and forgive myself when I fail to get my practice session in, I'll keep making progress. But if I can take time to watch tv or check my email, I can take a little extra time to have a full practice in the morning. Hope to stay sober tomorrow and make it three days in a row.

I browsed around a few porn forums but shut down the windows without seeing any pictures. I had some cravings, but managed to stay sober by doing ERP and reminding myself that all of these photos/videos are all the same, they are all just porn which does nothing to help me. I'm glad I didn't give in to my curiosity but I am still disappointed I was even browsing around at all. I need to try to be aware of my feelings before I get on the computer and try to do my breathing as soon as possible and not wait until I am close to acting out. Still, happy to make it another sober day. Three in a row!