Feed the Right Wolf

Hi Nagoyadome,

It's great you're aware enough to realize you need to stay off the computer. Keep moving forward!

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks always for your support Absolution.

Yesterday was probably the toughest day I've faced so far - lots of thoughts popping up in my head and negative emotions within me - but I resisted the urges and I'm glad I did.

Today when I woke up, I felt proud of myself. I can't remember feeling like that before. Usually I am overly critical about myself and look at the negative things rather than the positive things. I am grateful that I was able to remain clean and healthy yesterday and for the past month.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

These last few days have been tough but so far I have managed to avoid the temptations. I've had a lot of triggers and that voice in my head saying stuff like "It's ok, you can just look and not mb" or "Just 10 minutes and then you can stop". Thanks to doing the recovery course from Alex, some of my truth statements are "It is easier to stop myself before I engage than it is to stop after I have begun" and "A few minutes always leads to prolonged use".

These statements are great for me to hear when the tempting thoughts popup in my head.

I ended up telling my wife about the recovery I am doing. I am lucky to have such a supportive wife even though she has trouble understanding how porn could be an addiction. But I'm lucky she tries to understand and support me.

I work from home doing programming so starting today I am trying something different. I knew I would be tempted today so instead of working from home, I brought my laptop to the library near by and worked from there without Internet. I felt so much more focused and productive. It's probably the best work day I've had in the past month or so. I'm going to try to keep doing this to see if it helps me. Not only do I have a p&m addiction, but sometimes I feel I have an Internet addiction. I'm sure I get the same dopamine rush when browsing forums or searching for new information. Working from the library without Internet access should help me in my recovery. Plus I just feel better being around other people even if I am not communicating with them. I'm not interested in being so alone and isolated anymore.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

Hi NagoyaDome,

I think it's great that you told your wife, and that you tried something new and went to the library to work. It seems your head is in the right place and I'd be proud of where you are.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Saturday was a tough day. I felt more energy within me and these are the hardest periods to manage.

While looking for a movie to rent, I came across one that was a big trigger for me. I debated renting it for a while and finally decided to rent it. It was a little weird but at that moment I had a slight feeling of disgust or disappointment inside me. I brought it home and put it in my DVD player but decided not to watch it and watched another movie I rented.

I went for a long walk after the movie when I was getting tempted again while my wife was out. That helped calm me down a bit and the sensations passed.

I managed to resist it much more than before but eventually I gave in and looked at my favourite porn site for 20-30 minutes at night. By that time though, I didn't get aroused or touch myself so I feel like it was some progress as compared to before. I feel a little bad about it and wonder if I should restart my count.

From my previous journal entries, I could see this coming. I think when I notice more tempations coming across my mind, I will increase and do 2 ERP practices per day. I'll continue doing one in the morning and then perhaps one in the afternoon after lunch.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

After thinking about it, I've decided to restart my count as of Monday. So that means I'm currently on Day 4. Even though I acted out on Monday by viewing porn, on Monday I "binged" on Internet forums (non-porn) which I believe gives me the same dopamine response in my brain. I feel like I'm in a trance always looking for something new and I ended up browsing forums for about 4 hours and even skipped lunch because of it. On Tuesday, my skin acted up again and I believe it's because of the stress that I placed on my body during that time.

So not only am I looking to get clean from p&m, at the same time, I'm going to tackle this Internet addiction problem. The sites that are the most problematic, I've blocked on my router. However, on Monday, I logged into my router and disabled the blocking so I could surf those sites. That should have been a warning sign right there. These sites, while non-porn and interesting, really don't add any value to my life and I want to stop visiting them as I tend to get sucked into them.

Even though I viewed porn on Saturday, I'm half-proud, half-disappointed with myself. I'm proud that I actually made it through the toughest urges. I felt the strongest sexual energy in the afternoon and knew at that time I needed to go for a walk. The urge got stronger during my walk but eventually calmed down. When I gave in and viewed porn in the evening, I wasn't even that interested in doing it anymore. I think my old habit took over. But this experience gives me hope that I can get through strong sexual urges without acting out. When I don't give in, from what I've read, the strength of them should get lower and lower until my body gets in a more constant state instead of being so up and down all the time. I'll be better prepared to handle this next time.

I'm a little disappointed because if I had just held off another couple of hours it would have been bedtime and I would have made it through the day completely clean.

Reflecting on Monday's experience of binging on Internet forums, I think I was still stressed from Saturday and needed to calm down. (I also felt stressed on Sunday but was out of the house most of the day). I believe my skin reactions are mostly a result of stress and they are a good indicator of how I am doing. I need to avoid logging into my router to change settings. If it happens again, I will get my wife to change the password so that only she knows it. I have also been trying to relax more during my free time this week and I have noticed that I have been gradually feeling better since Tuesday. During my spare time I will meditate a lot as that seems to help me the most to relax and recover. I've tried reading or watching movies but even that sometimes makes me too stressed so I will lay off that until I noticed my skin no longer shows signs of stress. When I feel I am back to normal health, I can slowly start introducing other things into my life again.

As I mentioned before, I've started working from the library where I don't have Internet access and that is also helping me a lot. It's better for me to be around people and I focus much better without the temptations of the Internet.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

Day 6 clean

I haven't had any strong urges this week - some very mild ones but nothing serious. I've been trying to meditate or just sit and relax more. This helps me with my health and energy although I find it frustrating that I can't just get up and go do things. I know this period of my life will pass and I will be able to have more energy in the future but right now, it is important that I keep a simple life while I reboot and let my brain and body heal.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

Day 8

This weekend I spent a lot of time meditating. The meditation really helps improve my health and energy. I play street hockey on Sundays and this week I scored a lot more goals than usual and I believe it is due to that. While this is good that my energy is coming back, I have trouble controlling it. It feels like I have too much and need to do something to get it out. These are the periods when I have given into p&m. Does anyone else have this experience? The urges come on stronger and I feel much more anxious. It some way, I feel that my body is uncomfortable having too much energy so I waste it to get back to "normal." But I don't want to do that anymore. It is good for me to have lots of energy. I can put that to healthy and productive tasks. It is ok to let this energy fill up inside of me.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

Day 14

Still clean. I haven't had too many temptations lately. On Friday I was supposed to go see a band at a bar here in town. I ended up working late and didn't get a chance to go. Also, I broke my rule and ended up using the computer at night researching stocks. I shouldn't have done that as I ended up eating dinner late, going to bed late and then my body felt more stressed for the next couple of days. Even though I worked a little late, I still could have gone. I thought later why I didn't go and maybe I'm still a little anxious about more social contact.

I've simplified my life and reduced many things except for work, exercise and social activities. This means I've been spending much less time on the computer which is healthier for me. I've replaced activities with meditating which makes me feel better. It also helps me understand my body and just how much I use distractions like Internet surfing, watching TV, listening to music, etc. to distract myself. I notice that when I feel stressed or anxious my first thought is to jump on the computer for mindless surfing.

I've noticed lately that I have felt more ambitious. This could be a result of the abstention as over the past few years I've felt my ambition and interests wane a lot.

My health with my skin has periods where I think it is improving a lot but other times when it seems like nothing is getting better. That is really frustrating as I'm trying to meditate and relax more and reduce stress but my body isn't responding as fast as I would like. I need to give it more time. One positive is that I have this kind of small wart (I actually don't know what is) on my inner leg. I've had it for maybe 2 or 3 years now and recently it has receded a lot and is almost gone. I take that as a good sign that I have reduced the stress on my body. However, my eczema still acts up from time to time and I still have lots of red patches on my legs and arms.

I am grateful for the love and support of my wife and the fun times we spend together. I am grateful for my family growing up and for the ability to work and do something that interests me and can provide a good living. I am grateful for the ability to learn new things and for being able to play street hockey on Sunday with great people. I am grateful for this period of my life living in Japan. While it's not been easy with the language barrier and my allergies from the pollen, it has helped me become more spiritual and to address this p&m addiction. So I am grateful that even in times of difficulty, there is something positive that can come out of it.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

On Day 16

Past half a month without any p or m. I mentioned in my last journal that recently I have had a stronger feeling of ambition and goals for my life. I think it is a result of my abstention. I can feel my energy slowly recovering and it feels good to know that I have the ability to redirect it into productive pursuits rather than squander it. For example, today I woke up around 4:30am and had the urge to write a post on my blog. I've attempted blogging in the past so this was the first time I have written a post in almost a year.

I still have the bad habit (addiction?) of sometimes mindlessly surfing the Internet for much too long but that is slowly getting better as well. I feel that I am becoming more aware of myself, my actions and my body and it's cycle.

I read an interesting article yesterday about a voice coach. He said that if one of his clients damaged his vocal chords, unless the damage is severe, he advises them to still use their voice a little rather than completely rest it. The minor usage allows blood to flow to the vocal chord regions which enables faster healing than completely resting it. I thought this was interesting. Due to my skin troubles, I have been trying to completely rest at periods but this hasn't been working. I have also tried working out but due to my current poor health condition, this quickly overstresses my body and then I need to rest even more. I think the key for me is to just focus on doing light activity for now and forget about working out until my body has recovered more. I enjoy going for a walk at night and riding my bike around town also helps keep me active along with the hockey I play each week. I think this is the right amount of activity for me at this point in time. While I would like to get stronger and healthier and put on muscle, it is better for me to just focus on light activity while my body is recovering from the stress I have placed on it due to my porn addiction.

I also read another article a few days ago about becoming financially independent. This is one of my current goals I have rediscovered lately.

In the article, the author asked whether the reason for attaining financial independence is to "run toward something or run away from something." I thought this was a profound question and could relate it to not only for that but for dealing with my p&m addiction as well. The ERP course has helped me craft "toward" reasons for wanting to overcome this addiction. Some of the reasons I now have are to have a stronger spiritual relationship, a closer connection with my wife, a stronger and healthier body, a more successful career and earn more money, a greater sense of calmness and peace. I feel that these "toward" reasons are really helping me from acting out especially since I believe I started this addiction because I wanted to run away from things (pain, discomfort, etc.).

Today I am feeling grateful for feeling a calmer yet stronger energy that I have the choice to put towards good use. I am grateful for waking up early today and seeing the sunrise. I am grateful for having someone who loves and cares about me. I am grateful for the energy that is returning to my body. I am grateful for the freedom I have in my life. I am grateful for the ability to move and be active with my body. I am grateful for the friendships and connections I am making in my life.

_________________
Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012