Purpose. It is something I have been thinking a lot about recently. Over the weekend, I went to a funeral for a relative. This was a brave man who was a decorated WWII veteran, a community volunteer, and a kind and loving husband and father. At first, the funeral made me realize how little I have accomplished in life.
However, it also made me realize that I have become a slave to my fears and anxieties. If I look at my ancestors, many had lifetimes full of acting brave an honorably. From a DNA standpoint, I should have all of the tools I need to do great things. Like most people, I truly feel that I am capable of great things. I let my porn habit, fear, and anxiety get in the way.
I mention fear, anxiety and addiction in the same sentence, because I feel that these are somehow all linked. I am not sure which came first, but they certainly play off of each other. Recently, I have been having some health related anxiety. I'll find something peculiar with my body and start associating it with bad diseases. In the last couple, it has been my eyes. I noticed that I sometimes see halos around streetlights (I may have always seen them this way) and my brain wants to convince me that I have an eye disease. Now, I am probably overdue for an eye exam, and need to get one scheduled, but there is no sense worrying about every little thing. But this is a pattern for me. I have spent time worrying about every possible affliction under the sun (cancer, MS, heart disease, etc).
I have stated to try to become aware of these feelings and call them out when I see them. I read this tip in a book. For example, if I start thinking about a health concern, I say to myself "There is my fear talking again". I think this can help me.
Anyway, back to the topic of purpose. Sometimes I feel like I am really destined to do great things, and I could do so much to help others and be an agent for God. I like to think that maybe there is a reason behind my addiction and issues with fear. Maybe this is the battle that will shape me into a warrior, so that I can be a force of good in this world.