Feed the Right Wolf

I had another good day today. Again, I was super busy with work and getting ready for an exam tomorrow. As I have mentioned before, it shows that when my mind is busy with other things, I don't get urges. This further illustrates how this is a mental addiction and not a physical one.

I do feel myself getting tired and stressed as I study for my exam. That means there are some potential landmines ahead. I am sure that I will be exhausted tomorrow after my test. Plus, with the weekend, I'll have some free time on my hands.

I need to practice self care and try to keep myself busy. The ironic thing is that I have plenty of other things to do. My house needs so much in the way of cleaning and minor repairs. I don't know how this is all related to my porn habit, but I feel incredibly disorganized. I somehow feel that if I could get things in order, it would also help me with my porn habit. I just never seem to find the energy or commitment to get my life in order.

Part of my success this weekend will be to be productive.

Hi Takinglifeback,

It's great you're in touch with yourself enough to know when there's danger ahead, that's a very valuable tool. It's even better that you're thinking ahead have a plan to deal with things. Keep it up!

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

So last night I went on porn binge. This was really frustrating, because I posted in my last entry that I knew danger was ahead. Yet, I allowed myself to walk right into it.

That's the thing I haven't quite figured out yet. I feel like I have learned so much and have a good handle on what I need to do. However, sometimes I just don't do it. It also seems like there is some sort of self-sabotaging effect at play. I seem to be able to easily go a week or so without porn, but once I hit that 7-10 day mark, it is almost like my addictive voice is saying, "Okay, you have held out long enough. Now you need to look at some porn." Of course that is not the way my rational, cognitive mind thinks. I want to give up this habit for good. But it just feels like there is something that causes me to sabotage myself after I achieve 1-2 weeks of sobriety.

There is also something about Fridays that present danger. I have probably acted out more on Fridays than any other day of the week. I don't know if it is because I am tired, or it is the end of stressful week or what. I really need to be more vigilant on Friday's.

Anyway, I would like to end this on a positive note. Despite the relapses I have had, this has still been the best month I have ever had in terms of sobriety. Doing the rough math in my head, I believe that I have avoided porn 24 out of the last 26 days. I have also had a few minor slip ups (watching a nude scene in a movie, etc.) that I didn't count. Nonetheless, there was a time when I was viewing porn almost every day of the week, so being able to go 1-2 weeks at a time without viewing is a huge improvement.

I just need to find a way to get past the hurdle that I seem to encounter at the 1-2 week mark.

Purpose. It is something I have been thinking a lot about recently. Over the weekend, I went to a funeral for a relative. This was a brave man who was a decorated WWII veteran, a community volunteer, and a kind and loving husband and father. At first, the funeral made me realize how little I have accomplished in life.

However, it also made me realize that I have become a slave to my fears and anxieties. If I look at my ancestors, many had lifetimes full of acting brave an honorably. From a DNA standpoint, I should have all of the tools I need to do great things. Like most people, I truly feel that I am capable of great things. I let my porn habit, fear, and anxiety get in the way.

I mention fear, anxiety and addiction in the same sentence, because I feel that these are somehow all linked. I am not sure which came first, but they certainly play off of each other. Recently, I have been having some health related anxiety. I'll find something peculiar with my body and start associating it with bad diseases. In the last couple, it has been my eyes. I noticed that I sometimes see halos around streetlights (I may have always seen them this way) and my brain wants to convince me that I have an eye disease. Now, I am probably overdue for an eye exam, and need to get one scheduled, but there is no sense worrying about every little thing. But this is a pattern for me. I have spent time worrying about every possible affliction under the sun (cancer, MS, heart disease, etc).

I have stated to try to become aware of these feelings and call them out when I see them. I read this tip in a book. For example, if I start thinking about a health concern, I say to myself "There is my fear talking again". I think this can help me.

Anyway, back to the topic of purpose. Sometimes I feel like I am really destined to do great things, and I could do so much to help others and be an agent for God. I like to think that maybe there is a reason behind my addiction and issues with fear. Maybe this is the battle that will shape me into a warrior, so that I can be a force of good in this world.

So it has been a couple of days since I posted, and I have been struggling in my recovery. On Monday, I spent time viewing softcore porn on a mainstream video sharing site that allows nudity and sexual related videos. This is the second time within the past week I have viewed porn.

I basically allowed myself to get into a bad cycle. At the end of last week, I was studying a lot and got tired and stressed. I didn't really catch up on my rest over the weekend. During this time period, I also stopped some of my healthy habits: meditation, getting 8 hours of sleep, staying hydrated, etc. Once I viewed porn on Friday, I kept getting the urge to repeat it and go back to my old ways.

So here is what I am doing to get myself back on track. I blocked the offending site using my router security. Granted, I could undo the change if I wanted to, but I would have to dig out my router password and such, so it would take a little effort. I am going to make it a point to get some good sleep tonight, and try to re-start my meditation and exercise routines tomorrow.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Hi Takinglifeback,

I'm not sure about the router, but I know some filters have the option of entering a redirect site for blocked material, so you can set the filter to redirect to this forum when attempting to access blocked material. Do you have an option like that?

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

It has been a few days since I posted, and it seems like I have been falling back into bad habits.

I realized earlier this week that it has been one month since I started writing this journal. This coincided with the time that I decided to recommit myself to my recovery. On a positive note, it has been the most sober month of my adult life. I had the longest stretch I have ever had without porn (17 days) and probably only masturbated a half dozen times or so during that month. During the month I believe that I viewed porn 4 times. (I have had one other slip up in the time since the first month ended.)

While I made some progress, I had much higher aspirations, so I am disappointed. I had hoped to go a month without porn and give my brain a good reboot. That didn't happen. It is also concerning to me that all 4 of my relapses happened in the second half of the month, so I seem to be going in the wrong direction.

Despite some recent failures, I still believe that I can do this though. I need to focus on the positive. I am coming off of my best month ever, and there is no reason that this the next month can't be better yet. I learned some things about myself during this month and also have some new experience as to what works and what doesn't.

I continue to struggle with my recovery. I had a really good day on Saturday. I got up early, got a haircut, bought my groceries for the week. I then took a long bike ride, had a short visit with a friend, and spent some time reading. Saturday evening, I stayed in, avoided alcohol, got some productive work accomplished around the house and went to bed at a reasonable hour. Throughout the day I drank lots of liquids. In short, it was a super healthy day.

After 8 solid hours of sleep last night, I woke up today, and from the moment I awoke all I could think about was sex and porn. For the life of me, I can't figure out what triggered this. I was well rested, well hydrated, and stress free. Today should have been an easy day to get through. But it wasn't.

Like a bad relationship, I found myself really missing the old photo sharing website I used to visit. I wondered how many of the women who I was "friends" with on the site had posted pictures in the month since I had been away. (I had previously deleted my account.) In many ways it was more curiosity than outright sexual urges that made me want to go back. I found myself really wanting to find out what I had missed in the time I had been away.

Unfortunately, I found myself going back for a look, which then caused me to spend a few hours on the site and eventually led to masturbation.

I am really disappointed with myself today. I feel that I really didn't even put up a fight. I just kind of caved to the urges that I had.

For me, I constantly have to remind myself of the pain and humiliation, nay, feeling of near complete hopelessness, I have felt while indulging in a binge of porn. Do I really want to go through that again? Even then, it is so easy to be swayed by an appealing image and that voice that says, "what harm can this do?". I have often been fooled that way too.

So I sympathize with you on how difficult it is to break this habit. You have to try, and not to try too much: it is kind of paradoxical. I have to remind myself how much more freer and happier I would be if I did not have to face the world with the knowledge that I have this weakness.

Good luck and peace be with you in your struggles. (When you have a chance, please add some comments to my journal: dauntless461)

Thanks for the advice, Dauntless.

Today was a decent day. I didn't have any urges. It may be because I had a relapse the day before. Once I relapse, the urges usually stay away for a couple of days. If there is a positive to this it is that I am no longer having daily urges. I can now easily go a couple of days without porn before things get hard for me.

Recently I have been feeling self pity for having to deal with this affliction. It occurred to me today that I am looking at this all wrong. I need to approach it with a certain degree of equanimity. Things are what they are. Everybody has to deal with some rough things in life whether it be poverty, health issues, addiction, loss of loved ones, etc. Most people will deal with multiple categories of the things I just mentioned in their lifetimes. It just so happens that my issue right now is porn addiction. As bad as this disease is, there are probably worse things to have to deal with in life.

I just need to accept that this is my challenge and deal with it accordingly.