Feed the Right Wolf

About a week ago my fiance told me that he was addicted to porn. During our entire relationship I wondered why his sex drive was almost nonexistent compared to mine, but I always thought it was a situation in our lives causing the problem, not an addiction!

Anyway, this has been the longest week of my life. I am still battling feelings of devastation, hate, disgust, fear, and at times a very strong need to get revenge. During my good moments I think, "ok, I said that I was going to commit myself to this guy forever, so I need to hold up my end of the promise, even if he didn't hold up his end in the beginning.

Incidentally, does anyone have advice for setting my boundaries with regards to relapse? It is helpful for me to know what my limit is. So, he can relapse approximately X number of times...Or if he relapses for a certain amount of time and doesn't try to correct himself then I will leave. Partners have to protect themselves as much as they have to be supportive, especially when we have kids to be strong for. So if anyone has any advice on that, I would greatly appreciate it!

What I am really posting about, is whether I should go through this process, too? I haven't looked at porn since we have been together, but I have done my fair share of masturbating, mostly because we weren't having pleasurable sex. Now that I know what is going on, I am relieved to know that it isn't really my fault. But now that I know that it isn't my fault, my drive is through the roof, like it was when we first met. Would it be beneficial for me to abstain from masturbation and orgasm as well? Or should I engage in masturbation in order to be fully present as a supporter, rather than someone who is going through the same process?

I can't seem to find much on this topic! Have any of you come across advice for partners going through recovery as if they were addicted too? Did any of you find your sex drive increasing due to relief or a renewed sense that maybe you are attractive after all?

Check out www.recoverynation.com

it has a lot of info on boundaries and values etc. There are workshops for addicts and partners and couples as well and I have found it very helpful with setting boundaries and validation for myself.

Hope this helps:)

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Thanks for the reply. Do you know if that course can be used in addition to the in-person therapies and other self-help methods like the one on this site and Your Brain on Porn? Or would all of that just be too much information? My partner is willing, but I know he not the academic or reading type, so there is a lot of information overload for him right now!

You can definitely do it in conjunction with other things. You just do the workshop online and maybe only a couple lessons a week or whatever pace you want to set as it is self guided. You should do the partners one as well as I found it very helpful especially with the boundaries etc.

Good luck:)

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Let me say I am getting a divorce after a year of the initial discovery and broken promises. It's an addiction and the cycle must be broken. First of all the lies are so immense. I thought we were friends but after all of this came out I see that I was more of an appendage for sex. He was polite but no real intimacy. A sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder. I could not repeat that phrase enough. Regardless of your partner's preference for acting out, you will not be in be intimate relationship you NEED emotionally. Consider that the relapse rate for this is over 90%. Would you consider marrying a heroine addict? I think not. Educate yourself about this addiction. It changes their brains in physiologic ways. My soon to be exhusband is a shadow of his former self, impulsive, irrational, honestly ignorant at times. I wish he could change but I can not change him. Look at this relationship as it is now NOT what you want it to be or think it could be. it sounded like you did not have children together and even the addicts I have read would tell you this relationship is not good for you. you sound like a strong woman. You need a man to complement you, not complete you. exit this relationship and really take some time to consider not why he is an addict, but what attracted you to be in a relationship with one. History tends to repeat itself and I wish you a happy addiction free life. Peace.