Feed the Right Wolf

Nice work Sub. 9 days is awesome. working through this process is a real rollercoaster and as long as you stick with it there will be more ups than downs. Each day you make it is another marker that helps you stay clean. Hang in there you are doing great. Keep an eye on your triggers - and keep busy. Learning japanese - that is sweet too.

day 10 and slipped up and caved in on a one off 5 min viewing of thumbnails. the content was hardcore porn not blocked by my filters. leading into todays slip was about 20 mins lastnight flicking threw bakini shots. as i went to sleep i was fighting off extreme arrousal.when i woke today i checked bakini stuff again and found myself in a near panic attack state tring to fend off the arrousal. i looked at myself in the mirror and said "really what is happening to you". then made an excuse to just check some stuff quickly to do some ERP. as usual i instantly felt guilty and disgusted wondering why i did it. this is a minor set back and i still have an opportunity to do something positive and make a first in my progress. everytime i make a single slip up maybe 5 mins of thumbnails and masturbate it usually sets of a binge relapse of 1~3 days. i still now have an opportunity to set a first and a major positive accomplishment in my progression. basically if i can keep this as a 1 time 5 min slip up i will be extremely happy. if i can manage to not turn this into a major relapse day/days where im viewing extreme hardcore videos all day masturbating this will be a major accomplishment. i am writing this journal now in hopes that i will get more motivation/support to push threw this vunerable time. for me i have never been able to keep a simple single slip as just that. it always morphs into an uncontrollable binge where im in a zombie like state of self loathing and numbness. wish me luck as these next couple of hours/days will be yet another danger zone that could got either way. any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated at this time..

blessings
sub

sub

writing this on my kindle so cant say too much but we are with you and support you. a five minute slip is ok but you have the chance here to really learn from this and break your bimgimg habit. dont feel bad for the slip but instead look at this as a great opportunity to move your life forward. all you can do is focus on the current moment and make that a clean moment. we are with you

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Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

thanks for your reply. ive managed to keep it cool so far. i see you are also in japan. i live in tokyo..

Great job subpad. Making it through these periods where the urges are strongest is tough, but the feeling will eventually subside. I live near Nagoya (as you can probably guess by my username). I looked around and unfortunately, there are no SA meetings here but there are some in Tokyo. If you are interested, I could send you a list that was sent to me. If you are in Nagoya, we could meet up and talk. I don't know if you've talked to someone in real life before but I believe the moment that I started on this recovery process was actually a couple of years ago when I told someone about my addiction. It was the first time I had told anyone in the over 13 years I had been doing it at that point.

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Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

thanks again for you message. i know there are several SAA groups in tokyo but they are all in japanese. my japanese comprehension and speaking is ok but its not on a level where i would be able to understand topics around this issue. i know at one point there were english SAA groups but they seem to have vanished. i plan to attend some AA meetings from this weekend. basically just drop in listening meetings where hopefully i can gain some support/spirituality. i did hint at this issue with my now ex girlfriend and another close friend. neither of which i really gave the honest truth on how bad know this has become. so last week i went to a thearapist and basically told him everything. i felt like that alone really helped and i would like to be able to return for regular sessions but i simply cannot afford it. but for sure if u have any info on english SAA meetings here in tokyo it would be greatly appreciated..

sub

Hi sub,

Here is the document I received - https://www.dropbox.com/s/00jz41xxjhlcy ... 002-10.pdf

It may be the same as what you know already. It does say that meetings are in Japanese but you could probably speak English and, who knows, there may be some people there that speak English.

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Matt
Last acting out: Jul 9 2012, Aug 20 2012, Sep 26 2012, Sep 30 2012, Dec 7 2012

well i took a little break from this site as i was getting fed up with everything not working. every thing i try there seems to be a slip waiting to counter my attempts. ive been a week clean from most recent relapse. generally im feeling ok but im still dealing with strong urges daily. one thing ive come to realize is relapses do not set you back to zero but they surely have a powerful impact on recovery. for example to get past the heavy withdrawl period ive heard you should abstain from porn and mast for at least one month..often up to 3 months..depending on the level of addiction. i now realize the longest ive gone since ive started this fight is one month. and during that month i was checking things time to time but pulling away..
esentially i have never broke out of the withdrawl stage. every time you relapse its keeping you in that withdrawl window..which is the toughest part of the battle.

i can feel symptoms such as~ hot flashes/groinal pain/restlessness /nightmares/extreme anxiety/quieezyness/lightness in my chest/shortness of breath/dry mouth/headaches and just overall mental unstability especially when thinking about acting out or just random times going threw the cleansing days. for me this is the worst thing ever. the feeling seems overwhelming and disasterous. ive come to rrealize that the only thing strong enough to overcome these darkest most powerful pulls is a strong and honest spiritual belief. ofcourse things like erp/mediatation/journaling help. but for me its really becomming an issue of positive and negative forces within me. they are connected all the way back to my birth. there is a bigger picture we are all dealing with here and i now realize how deep this battle is etched into my life. if it wasnt porn it would be something else. i have alot of things to work out and i am doing my best to sort them one by one. this sickness is very disheartening but im doing my best and thats what matters at the moment. im trying to draw as much support from friends and family as possible. i dont usuallly talk to them about my sexual struggles so much because i know my sexual addiction is a symptom of a bigger underlying issue. as i think is the case with all of us. this addicton is a habit formed to cope with a much larger issue that is often to complicated for us to understand. i have had several personal breakthrews as a result of this addiction. im sure alot of you have but if you havent i seriously ask all of you to take a deeper look into what you have been running from. what you have been fearful of..what you have been numbing with this. this sounds corny but i seriously think most of us are on some level some sort of victim of emotional/spiritual or even physical abuse or trauma at some point in our childhood. this could be anything from happenings that were very regular that were interpreted wrongly to something simply very wrong or unfortunate. but the bottom line is this is such a struggle because its a much bigger issue. I NEVER TRUELY UNDERSTOOOD THIS UNTILL THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.

i understand why the spiritual element is so key now. for me this problem can be directly connect to my creation. i can outline clearly. i was raised only child by a single mother. my father left us when i was 3 or 4. my mother did her best and had another long term relationship say from when i was 6~11. this man treated me like a son. we were happy..he ultimatley left us never to be heard from again. ive taken a look at the child in me. that kid is still scared and weary of any kind of relationship..that child has been tainted and has serious trust and commitment issues. my mother did her best but i still had that hole in my life. along comes porn and all the novelty of beautiful women who seemingly are theere anytime to get that quick fix of feel good..the orgasm is filled with tonness of powerful chemicals that can ease the heaviesy of burdons..for a short time at least. and thats where it all started. thats where the initial strong hold appeal came from. id say i first saw porn when i was around 11 or 12..then it was magaizines and later vhs but the appeal had been planted..fastforward to 17 internet at home..the overload comes flying in..fast forward to 32. and you have me now. a grown man putting together all the peices..all the way back in time. thank god for this site. thank god for my awakening. i have an epic war left to fight but ive really won a critical battle in connecting the dots on this..

best wishes
sub

I'm with you Sub, on that last entry. I had a similar situation. Only child, Dad left when I was 4, then moved to another country when I was 10. I felt so abandoned. I was bullied at school then, and felt powerless to do anything about it. I remember one day walking home thinking: "Am I retarded, and no-one has told me? Is that why no-one loves me?"

Such a fucking painful thing for such a young boy to think! I feel so sad and angry for that boy, that he felt so alone. And, yes, then porn came along. Oh, that ultimate escape, and into pleasure, into bliss, into that white-out of orgasm. It was brief though; afterwards, always the come-down. As I grew, and as porn developed in its delivery, from newspapers and mags to bmps and jpgs, to endless movies. I needed more and more intensity and more and more frequency. Some days it was four, five times.

In the last few years, things had settled down. I was only a "casual user". This gave me the impression that I wasn't addicted. Until I decided to stop, 2 and a half weeks ago. Then, all these feeling I was never fully able to face as a child - the pain, the sadness, the fear, the low self-esteem - they all started to come back. Now, it's all I can do to not look at porn, to not try to white-out those feelings one more time, again and again.

But at some point those feelings need to be faced, and held, and now is the time, perhaps. Tonight, I am on the brink of calling the Samaritans, just to reach out. But, I'm afraid and ashamed.

We're both connecting dots...

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One Day at a Time: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Quit Date: Night of 24/8/12

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