I'm with you Sub, on that last entry. I had a similar situation. Only child, Dad left when I was 4, then moved to another country when I was 10. I felt so abandoned. I was bullied at school then, and felt powerless to do anything about it. I remember one day walking home thinking: "Am I retarded, and no-one has told me? Is that why no-one loves me?"
Such a fucking painful thing for such a young boy to think! I feel so sad and angry for that boy, that he felt so alone. And, yes, then porn came along. Oh, that ultimate escape, and into pleasure, into bliss, into that white-out of orgasm. It was brief though; afterwards, always the come-down. As I grew, and as porn developed in its delivery, from newspapers and mags to bmps and jpgs, to endless movies. I needed more and more intensity and more and more frequency. Some days it was four, five times.
In the last few years, things had settled down. I was only a "casual user". This gave me the impression that I wasn't addicted. Until I decided to stop, 2 and a half weeks ago. Then, all these feeling I was never fully able to face as a child - the pain, the sadness, the fear, the low self-esteem - they all started to come back. Now, it's all I can do to not look at porn, to not try to white-out those feelings one more time, again and again.
But at some point those feelings need to be faced, and held, and now is the time, perhaps. Tonight, I am on the brink of calling the Samaritans, just to reach out. But, I'm afraid and ashamed.
We're both connecting dots...
One Day at a Time: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again
Quit Date: Night of 24/8/12
Bronze: 30 days[X] Achieved!
Silver: 3 mnths[X] Achieved!
Gold: 6 mnths  9 mnths  1 yr
Platinum: 2 yrs  5 yrs  10 yrs