Feed the Right Wolf

Thanks determined. I find that video games in moderation are harmless to me (ie. If I play for an hour or so in a day, thats fine). The problem was that I spent a lot more than an hour (more like 12 hours) the past two days, which really started to effect my sleeping habits, and then triggered worse stuff. But yeah, thanks for the advice, and I'll keep it in mind.

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Entry #: 18
Date: August 23, 2012
Time: 10:27 AM
Days Sober: 1

Yesterday was alright. I started off fairly good, and I enjoyed myself. I was on the computer a bit, but only in moderation so that it did not harm me. I also worked out, which certainly helped. I went out with my girlfriend later, and there was a bit of tension, but I think everything is alright now. The p&m is starting to grate on our relationship though, I can tell. I really need to stop, and I think I can this time, or at least stay clean for a while. Also my sinuses went crazy again, and I feel absolutely abysmal this morning, but thats alright, because I have absolutely no urge to act out. However, I need to watch out. When I'm sick, cravings can be completely absent, or they can come in very suddenly and strongly. I'm going to try and stay off of the computer completely today, and just take it easy (watch lots of TV, thats what I usually do when I'm sick, its the only time I watch tv, and I never watch anything suggestive, its not a trigger for me). But hey, either way, thats 24 hours of sobriety under my belt, hopefully by tomorrow it'll be 48 . Gwei out, feeling hopeful about the addiction but otherwise kinda bad Happy though, I have to stay happy, thats the most important thing.

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Entry #: 19
Date: August 24, 2012
Time: 10:35 AM
Days Sober: 2

Yesterday was not as bad as I thought it would be. I felt a craving or two from time to time, but I really, really, dont want to act out anymore. There is no release feeling, its becoming painful, and the consequences to my social, emotional, and intimate life are far too obvious. I didnt even really feel tempted anymore. Of course, with time the knowledge of consequences may fade, and then I will have to watch myself again, but for the time being, acting out is the last thing I want to do. Also, last night, I felt a really strong surge of anger, mostly directed at people close to me. This sometimes happens when, after a long binge, my testosterone suddenly returns. It is not a rational anger, but it seems strong and rational at the time. So, I waited it out, and finally went to sleep. No one was harmed by it, which is the main thing, and as long as I dont act out it wont happen again. Anyway, taking it one day at a time, Gwei out.

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Entry #: 20
Date: August 26, 2012
Time: 9:07 AM
Days Sober: 4

Skipped a day of journaling because my internet was down yesterday, which was fine by me really. So far I haven't had too much trouble with the addiction. I prayed a lot, and made sure that I was certain of one thing: I CAN'T act out. Not shouldn't; can't. Because really the thing that got in my way a lot of the time was that, as time went on, I was no longer 100% sure that I wanted to stay sober, and that eventually eroded my determination. However, not this time. I'm certain now of the consequences of acting out, the direct damage that it has on my life, and I have to stay clean. The reasons for this newfound determination are many. Firstly, I clearly tied my bouts of near suicidal depression with acting out, and for another thing my relationship with my girlfriend is starting to feel strain from this addiction. Theres nothing like seeing my girlfriend cry, and asking me if I even cared enough to stop, for me to set my priorities right. So from now on, I'm taking this seriously, and staying CLEAN. Gwei out.

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Entry #: 21
Date: August 27, 2012
Time: 7:28 AM
Days Sober: 5

Until now, I've been getting by through one thing only: the knowledge that I simply CAN'T act out. It would ruin everything I've worked for at a crucial stage in time when I'm beginning to lay down the foundations of my future life and career. I simply CANNOT do it. There is no question. However from now on, I will return to the standard methods of defense: identifying triggers, sleeping better (if and when I can), and breathing exercises (once my allergies clear up). So far, I've been able to subconsciously defend myself through this "can't" method. I always ventilate my room by opening windows and doors, which serves a double purpose of keeping my room from going stagnant (which has been known to raise the chance of acting out) and of keeping my computer visible to others while I'm using it. I've also been staying clear of the computer, though I do sometimes play up to 2 hours of video games in a day, and that has not been impacting negatively on my lifestyle in any way. It seems that unlike p&m, gaming really is okay in moderation. Anyway, I'm done for the day. I've had several big day trips in a row now, and my last one is planned for today, so it should be good plus there will be no opportunity to act out, even though I really CAN'T anyway. So yeah, 5 days, Gwei out.

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Entry #: 22
Date: August 28, 2012
Time: 10:18 AM
Days Sober: 6

Caught my self surfing social networking sites this morning, looking for suggestive material. Today I've been extremely aroused since the morning, and it is very difficult to stay clean. I'm going to though. I just need to remember the damage that comes from acting out. How upset and guilty I feel, how all of the work I have done will be for nothing, how hurt my girlfriend was the last time it happened. I'm going to be alright I think. Until now it wasnt too difficult to just force myself to stay clean, but today, all of a sudden it became really really hard. I dont know why but I'm going to stay away from the computer for a while. Workout maybe, that tends to help. Gwei out, before I get tempted again.

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Entry #: 23
Date: August 29, 2012
Time: 6:38 AM
Days Sober: 7

Going to my frosh week with school today, so for the next three days will have minimum access to computers. Which should be good. Otherwise, staying strong, and still going. Anyway I'm cutting it a bit close time wise lol, so Gwei Out

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Gwei, sounds like you've been really fighting this demon. Way to keep at it. Even when we fall, we have to keep getting up. You are better than this addiction and you have the ability to beat it.

You've done well to do your research, find triggers, and get on here alot. I also struggle with cycles and know exactly how it feels to spend a cool week clean only to fall. What helped me was to really think about why I wanted to ditch this addiction. I had the knowledge/self awareness to see how I thought but why couldn't I stop it then? I needed more motivation. If you havent maybe list out why you want to stop, positive and negative, and put it somewhere you can read when tempted.

Nice work on selling the ipod too. I would justify that I needed something, for me filter free internet, only to realize that I would rather struggle with a few blocked sites then deal with the shame and guilt of my failure. Some times for the sake of clamping down to fight hard we need to be a little more strict on ourselves for a while. Then one day slowly let back into our lives things that we have a little more hold on.

keep up the fight.

Thank you for your kind words and support, thereishope. Although I do have access to free internet at the moment technically. I had to buy a laptop for school, and a filtering software could block important sites when I need them. Should be fine though, the problem with the ipod was more that I had a lot of games on it, and so I would spend many hours playing until I finally switched over from games to p&m. But yeah, writing down a list of reasons does help a lot. I did that as part of my sexual recovery plan. Anyway, best of luck to you in your addiction, keep praying and stay strong, and may we both get out of this soon enough!

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Entry #: 24
Date: August 30, 2012
Time: 6:23 AM
Days Sober: 8

WHOO! 8 DAYS SOBER! ALSO FROSH 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (lol). No but in all seriousness frosh week could not have happened at a better time. I'm really pumped, full of energy, and most of all happy. Sleep is kind of minimal unfortunately, what with the commute to and from school I went to bed at 12:30 and got up at 5:30, which is not to bad, but technically not great either. However, what I did do right was kill the battery on my laptop. I stayed up for a bit reading some journals on these forums, and when I saw that the battery was going to die I just let it run out. Its almost gone now, and I'm going to keep it that way for the duration of the week. I don't need it until school actually starts, and why tempt myself with unfiltered internet if I can avoid it?

That was good news, now for bad news. I spent a bit of time today adding people on facebook, and ended up going on there for a while and searching for suggestive content before catching myself and turning it off. I read yesterday about something called the "three circles" system, or something along those lines, but did not have time to check it out yet, however the gist seems to be that you have to group addictive behaviors into three concentric circles, with the outer one being light triggers, the second one being preludes to acting out, and the third (inner) circle being acting out and directly related activities. Well, *if* that is the case, searching social networking sites for suggestive material would fall into the second circle, which is frankly to close to acting out for comfort. (btw, my knowledge of this system comes only from reading about it in journals, I have not yet had time to check it out myself, however it seems to be a very useful and informative tool, and I will research more about it on Saturday after frosh ends, so if I am wrong about how it works feel free to correct me, I haven't done my research just yet).

Anyway, 8 days is a good milestone for me, and its how long I lasted last time before acting out. I'm going to have to be really careful, and work really hard to stay clean in the future. I also have to make sure to be strong, but not proud or overconfident. Several days under my belt plus my naturally outgoing nature make pride a fatal flaw of mine. In fact, I would say that it was really pride, not lust, that causes me to actually fall in the first place. Lust is what comes later, after the first steps towards my fall have already been taken. But this time, I have to remember that I CAN'T fall. My girlfriend and I have a wonderful relationship right now. I miss her a lot right now, and am looking forward to seeing her on the weekend. However, our relationship is still healing from the strain of my addiction, and I HAVE TO KEEP GOING, for her sake and for my own. I cant skrew up right now, I just have far, FAR too much to lose.

This is Gwei, signing off, staying strong but not proud or overconfident.

P.S. Before I forget, I must remember to pray and thank god for my current success, and to pray for strength every time I feel even the smallest iota of pride. This has helped me a lot before, it seems that god wants me to quit too . Also thanks to all of you for your continued support. I know I haven't been very active on this forum, and I'll try to post and give help and support to others in this community, but its just that I have been trying to stay off of the computer as much as possible, and usually I simply turn it off after I journal and don't turn it back on. That reminds me of another thing: I SHOULD NOT go on facebook tonight. I will be really tired and the risk is just too high. But yeah, thanks everyone, and you will hear more from me tomorrow morning .

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