Feed the Right Wolf

Alright another question regarding ERP...

Last night i did something that could have cost me my sobriety. It was stupid and dangerous but I felt that it was useful in helping me do ERP. I posted about this before - I'm unable to actually feel triggered when I do ERP normally. It doesn't make my heart rate increase or make my breathing shallow. It feels nothing like when I'm genuinely triggered.

So I have two questions: First off, what I did last night was I went on Google and I made a search. I stopped and stayed on the search results page so that I didn't see anything triggering, but I knew that with just one click I could be in the hellish world of porn again. So I stopped, closed my eyes there while sitting in front of the computer, and tried to imagine myself going through with it and looking. It made my pulse go up a little. So I took it to the next step and I turned my chair sideways, I moved the mouse over the "images" word, the link that would take me to google images instead. So I closed my eyes, and clicked on it, and turned around with my eyes closed so I couldn't see anything. And I put myself in that situation to have two options - keep my eyes closed and turn away and do good things, or look and see my poison. That got my heart to race even more, knowing that just by turning around I could see. So what happened was in that turned around state I started deep breathing, when I got my pulse down a little more, I felt around for my mouse and moved it to the top right of the screen and exited the internet and i continued breathing. I turned back the to the desk, opened my eyes, and read my affirmations, and then went to stretch.

What I wanted to do was to create a dangerous situation and trick my brain into thinking I was actually going to go through with it. Now the thing is is that I did it with confidence, and I felt in control. Now, I need your advice and opinions, was this smart? Was it safe, was it helpful or useful to me? Normal ERP doesn't do anything for me. Was this just another one of those lies my brain was trying to give me so I'd fail and watch porn? I felt in control and mostly safe, but can I trust that feeling?

Second, one day I was going through some very old posts here on FTRW, and I came across "ERP Triggers" posted by Climbing. It was about the same issue I have and so I read FTRW's reply:

- Climbing

-FTRW

So my question is what should I be doing now? It's conforting to know i'm not so far down in my addiction anymore that ERP doesn't affect me. But I'm in a dilemma: 1 - I'm not in the pit as deeply anymore, so ERP doesn't do much for me. 2 - I still don't have the habit of ERP fully practiced though, so what if I'm not ready to move on? I'm stuck in a grey area!

Do I do ERP anyway, the normal way, even if it doesn't make me feel triggered? Or do I continue with the next step? And if I stop ERP, won't I be in danger since I have not yet formed the automatic response to do ERP like Alex has?

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Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Although I'm fairly new on a lot of the exercises I did read somewhere about something similar (at least in my mind) in the partner section.

Basically this womans husband had swapped porn to watching movies which had either sex scenes or the typically 'babes' kind of thing going for it and I can't remember who it was but someone said this was essentially 'almost porn' which is pretty much just as bad because your not actually doing anything for your addiction as it's just feeding it different in that your testing yourself to see how far you can go without it actually being porn.

To me, I understand what you mean about the ERP and having to 'imagine' a trigger situation to learn to control it. It just isn't the same, a genuine trigger needs to be there to react to and defeat but with putting yourself into that situation, although you may feel your controlling that, what if the next time the dark side of your mind thinks "Hey, we can do this, try taking a quick peek and then fighting that."
It's like the 'almost porn'. Although now your not looking at it even though it's right there, what's to stop you testing your limits further and then relapsing.

As I said, I'm new to a lot of the exercises so can't comment on their effectiveness more than I have but the one thing I can promote is the simple act of breathe control. Eyes closed, a deep breath in the nose and then a slow exhale from the mouth. When I used to meditate I would imagine in my head a wheel turning (think a windmill) and only a wheel turning, since I could never blanked my mind lol, with each breath.

Not sure if I've helped any but my opinion is as above, be careful with that method of purposely putting yourself into that situation as it could result in just one little slip that could set you back a lot.

Another thing I just thought, what if putting yourself in this situation is not of your control but the part that wants porn? Create a semblance of you in control to gain what it wants? Or is that just a weird thought? lol

Peace,

David

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"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." - Albert Einstein

Hahaha thank you Lokys, that's very good insight, it helps me a lot. Yeah I've stopped doing that for a while now, I realized the danger behind what i was doing. Thank you so much for the post.



You know what, at this point, I just wouldn't even doubt it... evil does crazy things man, crazy things...

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I think its a good way to learn how to control, and learn ERP. It will help you as you have never had the opportunity to trigger yourself on demand, and purposely calm yourself down. Its a good idea, but keep in mind very dangerous.

If you can no longer trigger yourself with thoughts, then I would say just wait for a genuine trigger and ERP that out. And these are some crazy thoughts, but I agree evil does some weird shit. I have experienced the same things, just looking at bikini pics to trigger myself and it always turns out badly. You have to quit 100 percent, no halfway bullship.

Hahahah Eyeslam you're right. XD It's either 100% or it's not going to work. 100 % abstinence from porn or there's no point in trying. I like that. you're right.

thanks man XD Well worded.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I agree with this. There are always going to be uncontrollable triggers that come our way. Woman in bikinis on the beach, for example. But, seeking out external triggers is not something I would do myself, as I might easily get carries away. I don't even deliberately induce thoughts. I just wait for a trigger and do ERP then.

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One Day at a Time: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Quit Date: Night of 24/8/12

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