Feed the Right Wolf

Written 9/12

History:

The first time I ever masturbated was to an ad for the swimsuit issue in Sports Illustrated when I was 12. I graduated to softcore porn on HBO and then to hardcore porn when we first got the internet in High School. I have been watching porn consistently ever since… well outside of a 30 day period where I managed to stop 5 years ago.

I am a person that loves to do research. I love to pick a subject and find out as much as I can about it. This is more or less what I do for a living. When I found pornography, this was like a merger of two of my favorite things. Pornography is like an endless abyss, no matter how much you watch, how much you find out about x amount of girls, there are still an endless amount that you don’t know about. So I have literally spent days doing nothing but researching, downloading, and watching porn over the past however many years.

If you couple that with this HIGH that I get from watching porn, from watching girls whatever depraved thing I happen to be watching, well I am not sure how I could ever stop. I have done a lot of drugs in my life, marijuana, cocaine, mushrooms (my favorite), and really could take or leave all of them when it comes down to it. But the high from porn is SO STRONG. It’s become this outlet for aggression that has built up in my life.

Then… A year ago, I discovered the camming scene-where women masturbate on camera if you give them tokens or gold or whatever. The live aspect of it blew my mind. Plus, there was the control, because they would do whatever you told them to. It was like I was the director. The problem here is that it cost money. In the past, I would just pirate porn and it never took a cent out of my bank account. But now, NOW it was hurting my bottom line.

I have a problem.

Problems Pornography Addiction Has Caused:

What is most troubling is that my pornography addiction has definitely prevented me from engaging women in real life as much as I would like to. How can I possibly have any desire to talk to women at say… the bar if I just masturbated 3-4x times to porn during the day. In the event that I haven’t watched porn that day, because a lot of times I try not to watch porn if I am going out, how am I going to find any non-porn girls attractive when I just spent however many hours looking at these surgically enhanced women? My pornography addiction has ruined the female experience for me. I am not saying that if I never watched porn I would engage all of these fat, obese women, but I certainly wouldn’t be so judgmental.

I think that my pornography addiction is a result of a fear of talking to women in real life in general. I am a passive guy. When women reject me after I show interest it hurts. Watching porn is something that I have full control over. It’s easy to retreat to porn rather than meeting women in real life. I consider the whole act to be very “beta.”

I haven’t been in a relationship in awhile, but the last relationship I was in; porn was a point of contention because I was constantly managing porn watching and fucking my girlfriend. How could I possibly have the desire to bang my girlfriend if I masturbated to porn 3-4 times in a day?

Porn has become the default activity to do if I have nothing pressing on my schedule. Right now, I am unemployed, so my porn watching has gone through the roof. If I am not at the gym, or applying for jobs, I am watching porn. I am watching way. Too. Much.

Lastly, there is the newly found money issue. Now, I haven’t done anything like not paid my bills because I wanted to buy a cam session or anything like that, but this is a habit that has cost me about $200/month over the past year. Give or take.

Now:

I am unemployed. I won’t get into the particulars, but I am certainly not at a loss for money. With all of this added free time, what have I been doing? I have been watching porn. I had a twitter account where I followed pornstars that would post hot pics of themselves. I bought a $45 15-minute cam session with a camgirl yesterday AFTER I had already masturbated twice in the day. Why?

I woke up this morning and deleted all of my porn. Then I deleted the twitter account. I thought about joining Candeo, but I think that I want to try this site out first after reading mixed reviews of the program. I don’t mind the 6-month commitment, but I feel like I should be able to opt in after 1 month of trying the program as a trial. I didn’t know that porn addicts go to SAA, which I might see myself going to in the future.

Right now is the easy times, I don’t have any desire to watch porn because I spent the whole day watching it yesterday. I know that as time goes on, my brain is going to try to talk me into watching porn again. It will try to tell me that I am just like everyone else and that I can just watch it normally without recourse. This is not true. I hate that I am my own worst enemy.
I actually had a pretty busy day today. Tomorrow will be busy, too. But Friday is pretty open. I have rented some library books, I may try to make a date with a female, I will try to keep myself actively doing something because I know that once boredom sets in the desire to get “high” and watch porn comes along not long afterward.

Goals:

To stop watching porn. Period.

I don’t want to stop masturbating because I am a young man and I think that blue balls are unhealthy, but if it comes to a point where I relapse then maybe that is the course of action I will have to take. Also, if it's to the point where I am masturbating in the absence of porn way too much, I will add this as a goal as well.

P.S. If I am offending anyone with my cursing or blunt nature, I apologize in advance. I am just very angry right now.

This is day two of not watching or masturbating to porn. Day one was easy, mostly because I was so spent from masturbating so much the day before. Today I have recovered a bit and feel the urge to go back to old haunts. I am worried that something might set me off, a picture of a girls ass on an errant website, etc. etc. I am just going to have to take it one moment at a time. I know that getting off of the porn also necessitates cutting down on the drinking. This hasn’t always been the case, but when I have had a hard night out talking to girls, I have medicated with porn.

I constantly think about what I am missing if I don’t watch porn. There will be new, hot girls that I will know nothing about. This is actually a big deal to me… but I know it’s stupid to fret about.

I also think about how my brain will talk me into watching porn once… just to get that high. I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast and he had Andy Dick on. Andy Dick used to be this huge drug abuser and he said that he has gone as long as a year being sober. The problem was, that after a year he would tell himself, “yeah, I can deal with just one drink.” And he would drink one drink. Then over the course of months he would turn into a full-fledged alcoholic and then drug abuser again. This is the case with porn because I have been through this before. If I masturbate once to porn, I know it will be the beginning of a downward spiral.

I deleted my “porn” twitter account today. This is a separate account I used to use to perv out and look at slutty pictures pornstars would post. I also blocked all of my favorite porn sites using the hosts trick through notepad. I don’t want to use software yet. I should straight up delete my accounts on the camsites, some of which still have money in them, but that would entail unblocking the sites and then going in and being tempted. So I am not going to do that.

_________________
Quit Date: 10/15/2012

Goal: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Achieved:
24hrs[X] 3days[] 1wk [] 2wks [] 3wks[] 30days[]
2 months [] 3 months[] 6 months [] 9 months []
1 year[] 2 years [] 5 years [] 10 years []

Would just like to express my solidarity and support for what you want to do, my friend. Many of the things you have said above rang true for me. I admire your resolution. I shall be reading your posts.

_________________
One Day at a Time: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Quit Date: Night of 24/8/12

Achieved:
Bronze: 30 days[X] Achieved!
Silver: 3 mnths[X] Achieved!
Gold: 6 mnths [] 9 mnths [] 1 yr[]
Platinum: 2 yrs [] 5 yrs [] 10 yrs []

Thank you Lovely! I will be reading yours as well! If you look at my signature, I have basically stolen yours! I hope you don't mind!

Day 3… Friday. Still going strong, but the days are slowing down so that’s bad. If I get through this weekend, I will be happy. I have envisioned myself looking at porn from time to time and I think to myself, “why?” I also get really mad at myself for doing such a thing. I am happy that I am taking this course of action.

I went out last night, talked to some ladies, didn’t have much success, but that’s okay. I have found that if I am out engaging women the cravings for porn are less… but then if I have a bad interaction sometimes I will self-medicate with porn. I didn’t feel any need to self-medicate last night. I need to just not take the bad interactions personally. There is weird social dynamic that applies to going out at night, people act in a different way than they might if met in other circumstances.

I think the real test will be when I have my first “release.” I am not sure when that will be, probably Sunday or Monday. Many times when I have one release, I want to do it again but up the odds a bit. I plan to bury myself in football on Sunday so that doesn’t happen. (GO STEELERS!)

Another test will be when I go to my mother’s for most of next week. She lives in a town where there is NOTHING to do! I used to spend a lot of time there looking at porn on my phone. I rented a ton of books from my library to fight these urges. I am sure that I can do it!

_________________
Quit Date: 10/15/2012

Goal: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Achieved:
24hrs[X] 3days[] 1wk [] 2wks [] 3wks[] 30days[]
2 months [] 3 months[] 6 months [] 9 months []
1 year[] 2 years [] 5 years [] 10 years []

Hey lilengine
How's the recovery coming on?
Peter

hey man welcome to this wonderful forum...i will be following ur recovery from now on....after reading ur posts ....i would suggest meditation for u because i got the feeling that u r restless or angry....both these emotions are very dangerous to us addicts...any way keep up ur recovery ...

_________________
Everything is possible for a person who has faith - Mark 9:23

Hey there guys!

Recovery is still going strong. I haven't had a relapse or anything like that.

I definitely have left the house because I had the urge to watch a few times, though.

I do meditate. It helps a lot!

_________________
Quit Date: 10/15/2012

Goal: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Achieved:
24hrs[X] 3days[] 1wk [] 2wks [] 3wks[] 30days[]
2 months [] 3 months[] 6 months [] 9 months []
1 year[] 2 years [] 5 years [] 10 years []

Ahhhhhhh...

I screwed up today. I watched porn. No more than a minute, I didn't masturbate to it, but I feel guilty.

I had had a bad night at the bar... thought I was getting somewhere with a female but it didn't work out. I was frustrated. I ended up dreaming about watching porno (weird that I wouldn't dream about just having sex). Then, in the morning, some dudes were talking about porn while I was at the gym and it set me off. Tonight I talked myself into peeking just a little. When I had the scene on, I had so much anxiety about it that I turned it off. It wasn't enjoyable at all.

Yes, I feel guilty.. but maybe not _too_ guilty. I actually am more worried that it might spiral into something worse. That is why I am in here writing in my journal. I honestly wish I could watch porn just once a week... but I know that can't be the case for me, because I am an addict... no matter how many times I will try to talk myself into it.

I am happy that I blocked a ton of porn sites that I frequent using notepad hosts. Without that added step, I would have gone to a more quality website and maybe indulged more.

Man, I need a girlfriend. Or girlfriends, plural.

_________________
Quit Date: 10/15/2012

Goal: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Achieved:
24hrs[X] 3days[] 1wk [] 2wks [] 3wks[] 30days[]
2 months [] 3 months[] 6 months [] 9 months []
1 year[] 2 years [] 5 years [] 10 years []

Don't let the slip get you down. It is interesting you had that guilty feeling, kind of like a burning in the chest (at least for me), after you've decided not to watch but watch again. That needs to grow because it will help a lot in overcoming this.

It does sound like you have a lot of anxiety your working through. There are many reasons for this but the porn brain does really mess with us and makes us function like we are wasted. I'd say keep blocking and deleting all of your accounts. You are right there is no healthy dose to this crap. Each sip is poison and only grows. It is a leech to your brain, emotions and ruins relationships.

About relationships, i'm not sure but it sounds like a successful night out for you is with a hook up? It might not be, please forgive if otherwise, but what I'm really trying to say is that just getting a girlfriend and having sex doesn't fix this. I know you mentioned it didnt before but I'd say focus on developing relationships for valuing women for who they are. Relationships that are mutually satisfying and don't include sex. And you are right, bars arent the place to do this. Bars tend to be full of fakers. Ok..you know what I mean.

I think I have a different view on relationships that most of the people that I read on here. Make no bones about it, I am trying to meet women and get laid. If the woman is cool and great in bed, then sure a relationship might be in order, but until that time, I am going to be a slut . Since I have given up porn, my sex life has improved. I am sure it will continue to improve, because instead of going out I used to just sit inside and masturbate to girls. The downside is the anxiety caused from a down night. I think/hope that will go away over time, though. Can't be successful every night.

_________________
Quit Date: 10/15/2012

Goal: Never Look at or Masturbate to Porn Again

Achieved:
24hrs[X] 3days[] 1wk [] 2wks [] 3wks[] 30days[]
2 months [] 3 months[] 6 months [] 9 months []
1 year[] 2 years [] 5 years [] 10 years []