The first time I ever masturbated was to an ad for the swimsuit issue in Sports Illustrated when I was 12. I graduated to softcore porn on HBO and then to hardcore porn when we first got the internet in High School. I have been watching porn consistently ever since… well outside of a 30 day period where I managed to stop 5 years ago.
I am a person that loves to do research. I love to pick a subject and find out as much as I can about it. This is more or less what I do for a living. When I found pornography, this was like a merger of two of my favorite things. Pornography is like an endless abyss, no matter how much you watch, how much you find out about x amount of girls, there are still an endless amount that you don’t know about. So I have literally spent days doing nothing but researching, downloading, and watching porn over the past however many years.
If you couple that with this HIGH that I get from watching porn, from watching girls whatever depraved thing I happen to be watching, well I am not sure how I could ever stop. I have done a lot of drugs in my life, marijuana, cocaine, mushrooms (my favorite), and really could take or leave all of them when it comes down to it. But the high from porn is SO STRONG. It’s become this outlet for aggression that has built up in my life.
Then… A year ago, I discovered the camming scene-where women masturbate on camera if you give them tokens or gold or whatever. The live aspect of it blew my mind. Plus, there was the control, because they would do whatever you told them to. It was like I was the director. The problem here is that it cost money. In the past, I would just pirate porn and it never took a cent out of my bank account. But now, NOW it was hurting my bottom line.
I have a problem.
Problems Pornography Addiction Has Caused:
What is most troubling is that my pornography addiction has definitely prevented me from engaging women in real life as much as I would like to. How can I possibly have any desire to talk to women at say… the bar if I just masturbated 3-4x times to porn during the day. In the event that I haven’t watched porn that day, because a lot of times I try not to watch porn if I am going out, how am I going to find any non-porn girls attractive when I just spent however many hours looking at these surgically enhanced women? My pornography addiction has ruined the female experience for me. I am not saying that if I never watched porn I would engage all of these fat, obese women, but I certainly wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I think that my pornography addiction is a result of a fear of talking to women in real life in general. I am a passive guy. When women reject me after I show interest it hurts. Watching porn is something that I have full control over. It’s easy to retreat to porn rather than meeting women in real life. I consider the whole act to be very “beta.”
I haven’t been in a relationship in awhile, but the last relationship I was in; porn was a point of contention because I was constantly managing porn watching and fucking my girlfriend. How could I possibly have the desire to bang my girlfriend if I masturbated to porn 3-4 times in a day?
Porn has become the default activity to do if I have nothing pressing on my schedule. Right now, I am unemployed, so my porn watching has gone through the roof. If I am not at the gym, or applying for jobs, I am watching porn. I am watching way. Too. Much.
Lastly, there is the newly found money issue. Now, I haven’t done anything like not paid my bills because I wanted to buy a cam session or anything like that, but this is a habit that has cost me about $200/month over the past year. Give or take.
I am unemployed. I won’t get into the particulars, but I am certainly not at a loss for money. With all of this added free time, what have I been doing? I have been watching porn. I had a twitter account where I followed pornstars that would post hot pics of themselves. I bought a $45 15-minute cam session with a camgirl yesterday AFTER I had already masturbated twice in the day. Why?
I woke up this morning and deleted all of my porn. Then I deleted the twitter account. I thought about joining Candeo, but I think that I want to try this site out first after reading mixed reviews of the program. I don’t mind the 6-month commitment, but I feel like I should be able to opt in after 1 month of trying the program as a trial. I didn’t know that porn addicts go to SAA, which I might see myself going to in the future.
Right now is the easy times, I don’t have any desire to watch porn because I spent the whole day watching it yesterday. I know that as time goes on, my brain is going to try to talk me into watching porn again. It will try to tell me that I am just like everyone else and that I can just watch it normally without recourse. This is not true. I hate that I am my own worst enemy.
I actually had a pretty busy day today. Tomorrow will be busy, too. But Friday is pretty open. I have rented some library books, I may try to make a date with a female, I will try to keep myself actively doing something because I know that once boredom sets in the desire to get “high” and watch porn comes along not long afterward.
To stop watching porn. Period.
I don’t want to stop masturbating because I am a young man and I think that blue balls are unhealthy, but if it comes to a point where I relapse then maybe that is the course of action I will have to take. Also, if it's to the point where I am masturbating in the absence of porn way too much, I will add this as a goal as well.
P.S. If I am offending anyone with my cursing or blunt nature, I apologize in advance. I am just very angry right now.