Feed the Right Wolf

I'm not sure anything I say right now will make sense, I have so many things going around my head I feel quite dizzy lol.

Nothing bad has happened, my husband is still doing really well, he hasn't viewed porn for what must be about 6 months now I am still waiting to go to counselling but hopefully that should start within the next couple of weeks, fingers crossed!

My husband has been told that because he has OCD, what he is dealing with is more of an obsession. OK, so obsessions are mental and addictions are physical acts (putting it very simply). But surely in this case an obsession can lead to addictive behaviour, going on a PC and looking at porn is a physcal act - is that when it becomes an addiction?

Also what my husband struggles with most is real women. As I have said before he works with the public and obviously comes into contact with women on a daily basis. It was this behaviour I was aware of from day one of our relationship long before I found out about the porn (He didn't have access to a comp at the time). He would 'zone out' at women, even if I was sitting holding his hand, his behaviour as I used to say to him was always just a little extreme. The zoning out stopped a longtime ago, he is working on the rewiring of his brain and not allowing thoughts to take him down the fantasy path when he does notice women, so he is doing well.

He says he struggles if he is having a bad day at work, if he gets anxious, if we have talked about things, that it suddenly seems all he can see is women. Now I understand this to a degree, when I have tried to give up smoking, all of a sudden I seem to be surrounded by people smoking, I understand that you become focused on the very thing you are trying to give up.

I guess what I am wondering is: Is over awareness (I don't know how else to put it) of women part of the addiction? It seems pretty likely to me that it would be, but I don't know. When you are doing well in recovery from porn, can awareness of women become even greater, is it if you like part of the withdrawal process or is it an issue that has to be dealt with seperately?

Urgh, I told you I am confused lol. If anyone has any idea what I am talking about, and can offer any insight as always I will be extremely grateful.

Thankyou all

Hey Mrs Anon

I do understand what you are talking about. When you try to avoid something or leave something completely then yes it gets an importance in the mind. Although it`s a negative importance yet still it is an important part for the brain.
SO that part of the brain which contains memories of such addiction is activated all the time in the sense that i want to avoid this since this is bad for me. So memories related to that part keep popping up in the mind.

In case of porn addiction - since we are trying to avoid porn or avoid objectifying women - the memories related to this will keep surfacing in the mind.

Have you seen the movie - A beautiful Mind ? Its almost 9 years old and won an oscar. Its based on a real life story. IF not then i would really suggest you to see it. If you watch the last hour of the movie even that is fine.
It talks about a person who was mentally sick. Its the story of how he recovered from his sickness - without any medication. He used to see and hear people who did not exist. They became a part of his real life.
HE recovered by accepting his sickness and not giving any importance to the imaginary visions and voices. I believe the message movie gives to addicts can be - Accept that you have a sickness and give as less as importance to it so that it becomes immaterial.

Porn addicts like me have to do ERP , install filter and use other techniques to avoid this addiction. But they can truly win only if they avoid giving it the importance it has in the mind. Both -ve and +ve importance.

Sometimes even love can begin from feeling of hatred. So i think its necessary to reduce all the importance addiction has - no matter its porn/smoke addiction.

Still your husband is doing great . So try not to think too much and just enjoy life together

_________________
Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

By 9 years old i meant that it released 9 years back in 2002

Also over awareness as you said is just because the importance given to avoid that thing.
Although i m in initial stages of my recovery just 11 days sober still even i m thinking constantly to avoid my addiction - like i have to sleep early , not surf too much when i m alone , find other way to deal with stress. So yes those thoughts are always there and somehow have become important in a negative fashion.

_________________
Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

Hi Nick,

Apologies, I thought I had replied to you, I wrote a message but couldn't have been logged in Doh!

Have to admit I haven't seen 'A Beautiful Mind', I have heard lots of good things about it though so will have to look out for it, think I avoided it as Russell Crowe isn't one of my favourite actors. But if the film is that good then I really should see it

I can fully understand that when trying to avoid something, that is all you seem to notice. I even have symptoms of this myself, it seems all I notice is women, and that they are younger, more attractive etc, etc, etc. I struggled a bit yesterday as I went shopping with my hubby, another lovely sunny day so of course there were women dressed for the weather. My husband did glance a couple of times, a very brief glance that without this addiction wouldn't have meant anything to me, but I still struggle with my triggers, probably more than I realised. I spoke to my husband later about it and he said that from his side nothing had gone through his mind, he was just out shopping with me and his son, that if he did notice someone it was so brief he didn't even realise it. Just shows though, that SO's can take on aspects of the addiction themselves (so to speak), I also have to work on the fact that women are just people and not a constant threat. I never used to be this insecure, so hopefully with a bit of work I can get myself back on track.

I have some counselling starting on the 27th of this month, it isn't exactly what I want as it is a group session for Self Esteem. Now yes, undoubtedly my self esteem has suffered and the group may well help with that, but I still need to talk more in depth about things, hopefully the 1-1 counselling won't be long.

I hope you are still doing ok, you have been doing brilliantly

Hi MrsAnon,

I'm glad to hear that you have some counseling coming up and I hope it benefits you. I think group therapy could act as a powerful tool in the same way that 12 step meetings do, and I hope that although the others there may have very different reasons for being there than you do, that you can relate to them and pull some power from the group.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

LOL it has happened with me too. Sometimes i stay logged on for a while and them come back after an hour to write a post and i would think it would have been posted , only to find that it would ask me to log in again

Counseling might just give you the relief you need. Even i had thought of going to a Counselor but the place where i live in its difficult. Because of social stigma attached to this thing. Also this porn and sexual addiction is something which i really can`t share with anyone . People just don`t understand it - i told my best friend about my masturbation habits he said that it was not a big thing and no addiction as such.
I m doing fine , still sober .

_________________
Sober since 12th April
Having good thoughts or bad thoughts do not define a person its how he reacts to them is what defines him.

His MsAnon!

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

I also enjoyed the article you posted about "the elephant in the room". I don't think it minimizes PTSD in war veterans and victims of crime to say that we experience this as well. I had come to this realization before you posted the article and was glad to see that I wasn't the only one who had felt this way. Things are much better now but I know over the past few years I have experienced all of the symptoms. There could be the smallest of triggers and I would feel my pulse race, dizziness, pupil dilation and restriction, sweating, chills, irrational blind panic and more. When I initially discovered the addiction to infidelity (had not discovered the additional addiction to pornography) I lost twenty pounds in a single month! Which actually made me grossly underweight and I had to deal with receiving eating disorder comments every day. It wasn't due to eating habits, it was literally simply because my heart was racing from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep regardless of what I was thinking about or how I was feeling. It became alarming to see my body switch into a flight or fight mode which would not switch off. I'm lucky I wasn't at an age or in a condition susceptible to heart attacks!

I can see that we both love our partners very, very much and are doing what we can to take care of them. Don't forget to take care of yourself though, love! Especially for your long term mental well being and even relationship well being. You can't forget about you and put aside what you're going through. Resentment is such a poison. I don't see that in you but I know there were periods when I lost sight of caring for my own well being because I was so concerned about his. A lot of comments and advice come from a place of our personal experiences. I'm hoping to share something beneficial from my own. So forgive me if there's a lot I share that doesn't pertain to you, it's bound to happen.

"all I notice is women, and that they are younger, more attractive etc, etc, etc."

When I first began to find out about these problems I was 23. Even at 23 I found myself thinking how old I was. I remember going down to the DMV with my partner and having to storm out because my internal dialogue and emotions began escalating out of control being around all of these young girls who were there with their parents applying for their permits. Cognitively I can see how completely ABSURD this is (feeling old at that age; I have always considered 40 to be very young still!) but emotionally is another story. I don't know if your husband experienced escalation but due to my partner's escalation in addiction, his pornography evolved into things that are very wrong (I would say "taboo" but I truly dislike that word) and therefor the triggers I have not only make me feel insecure regardless of how I look but also left me with an extremely difficult internal struggle. That struggle has gotten better, especially thanks to understanding this addiction better and the psychological reasons behind many behaviors, but every blue moon there is a slight residue when I am in certain environments. They are very few and far between and I rarely feel this way but it does still happen. I don't know if they will always be there and in 15 years I'll experience it once a year or if they will go away completely but it makes no difference to me at this point. Just as he will have to remain strong throughout his life, I will too. These trying moments no longer leave me so upset that I can't let them go as soon as they happen. It happens, I acknowledge it and somehow I got to a point where I am able to take a breath and just let it float away.

The hot topic of insecurity has turned into yet another result I did not expect. I do seem to still experience much insecurity around my partner and anything related to my partner. However, the odd thing is is that I do not feel any insecurity with other people or in situation when he is not around. In those times I find myself feeling 100% back to normal and the confident person I was before. Have you felt this way too? If it was a blanket dislike of myself or a blanket uncertainty of myself then I can see a lot of ways to work on it but since it seems to be directly correlated to him or when he is around I haven't been able to figure out a way to work on it. I used to feel like he saw me as god's gift (even to a point of whoa who gave him the extra strength love potion number 9! I know I'm great but damn he thinks I'm better than gilded sliced bread!) and I do miss that feeling. There is nothing he is doing now to be the cause of any of these feelings, this is not to minimize his actions of the past, but he is not doing anything wrong to contribute to these feelings now. Either way I do hope one day I can feel special to him again. I have faith in the possibility of it's return...

"I also have to work on the fact that women are just people and not a constant threat."

This has been extremely hard for me. I was shocked to see how many women were willing to disrespect me and not care that they were carrying on a relationship with a spoken for man. It rocked my notions about humanity that weren't bad things to believe in but perhaps were slightly naive. This is something I'm working on but it's hard when all I see around me is a society with a "I do whatever I want" attitude.

I'm really happy you finally having a counseling date, even if it isn't what you had in mind. I have attended a lot of things such as COSA meetings that didn't address certain issues or weren't what I wanted but every single one of them has been beneficial in their own way.

Good luck, stay strong and don't forget to smile!
FP

Hey F.P. good to hear from you

Yes I have now come to realise that I am suffering some of the symptoms of PTSD, it's difficult because some seem to cross over with the M.E., but I know a lot have definitely been triggered by this addiction.

Yes, I do love my husband very much and I am so proud of him I know I have to take care of myself as well, and to be honest this is where I am struggling the most. I suffer with the severe fatigue of my illness a lot, and yes with me it can be very much triggered by stress (can you tell what a mess I am yet?lol). This means I am unable to work, socialise much (I have lost touch with all my friends anyway) or pretty much do anything, half an hour of housework can leave me bed bound for days! So I spend 99% of my time alone, at home, unless I am having a good day when I will make the effort to take myself out. Worryingly, recently I tend to be avoiding going out, like today, I got up was ready to take my hubby to work as he didn't start until 11am so I thought I would just go for a walk around town. But when it came to it I just couldn't do it, it is yet another gorgeous sunny day but instead of making me feel better, the sun fills me with anxiety. To put it simply sun = less clothing! What I do know is that these feelings co-incide with me not being too well, I am hoping that with a couple more days of rest I will be able to get myself back on track like a couple of weeks ago. Arrrrrggggh it is so frustrating!!!

This however does very much impact on how I feel about things, I still get insecure, anxious whether I am with my hubby or not. If I do go out and it is a nice day, I see women out and about all looking better than me, younger, prettier, sexier, and then I start to wonder if they are going where my husband works. As he works with the public this constantly niggles at me, I HATE IT! This is what I mean when I say I also have to work on the fact that women are just people, my hubby is doing really well at working on his thought process, I need to work on mine just that little bit more, especially as I say when I am feeling ill.

Unlike you, I have never really felt like I am Gods gift to my husband, it wasn't porn at that time, it was just his reaction to other women. I could be out at the park with him and his son, or sitting at a table in a pub holding his hand, and he would notice and completely 'zone out' at another woman. I have no idea how many times it happend but it was a lot, I have lost count of the number of times I have walked off in tears (this I have to say stopped a longtime ago). Or if we were buying something and the woman at the till just smiled he would then start to flirt. This I now realise is all connected but at the time I just felt like that whenever there was another woman around I just ceased to exist. There is a lot more, but I would be typing for days lol. What I am trying to say, is that a lot of emotional damage was done to me even before the porn became an issue. BUT all of his behaviour had carried over from his previous relationship, that had been breaking down for a longtime (I know as we have a great relationship with his ex). A lot of things had gone wrong there and he had been left alone for hours, sometimes all night, and this is when he discovered what the internet had to offer. Yes I would say his addiction had escalated at this time, as he had 'real women' on FB who seemed more than willing to send him pics, and not just holiday snaps if you know what I mean It just seemed that no matter how upset he saw me, he just couldn't stop, yet again this has now all been explained. Again there is so much more to this story...........

I want to be well, physically and emotionally, I am hoping the group therapy will help me. It will be good to have some other people to chat to. I know I won't want to go into the porn side of things, as it is being held in our home town which is very small, and as I say my hubby works with the public so chances are he may bump into them at times. A good thing is, it is his counsellor that is running it, I have spoken to her several times and she is really nice. I know that if I was to say something like 'other women make me feel anxious' she would know what I meant, I may not be able to go into things in depth but she will get the idea. I am still on the list for 1-1 counselling, so hopefully that won't be too much longer

What worries me, is that my bad days really tend to worry my hubby, I am scared that I may become a trigger, not physically but emotionally

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I am typing all of this on a day when I am having to rest in bed, so I am pretty tired, emotional and muddled ha!

Hope you are doing ok, you and Mr A deserve to be so happy