Hey F.P. good to hear from you
Yes I have now come to realise that I am suffering some of the symptoms of PTSD, it's difficult because some seem to cross over with the M.E., but I know a lot have definitely been triggered by this addiction.
Yes, I do love my husband very much and I am so proud of him
I know I have to take care of myself as well, and to be honest this is where I am struggling the most. I suffer with the severe fatigue of my illness a lot, and yes with me it can be very much triggered by stress (can you tell what a mess I am yet?lol). This means I am unable to work, socialise much (I have lost touch with all my friends anyway) or pretty much do anything, half an hour of housework can leave me bed bound for days! So I spend 99% of my time alone, at home, unless I am having a good day when I will make the effort to take myself out. Worryingly, recently I tend to be avoiding going out, like today, I got up was ready to take my hubby to work as he didn't start until 11am so I thought I would just go for a walk around town. But when it came to it I just couldn't do it, it is yet another gorgeous sunny day but instead of making me feel better, the sun fills me with anxiety. To put it simply sun = less clothing! What I do know is that these feelings co-incide with me not being too well, I am hoping that with a couple more days of rest I will be able to get myself back on track like a couple of weeks ago. Arrrrrggggh it is so frustrating!!!
This however does very much impact on how I feel about things, I still get insecure, anxious whether I am with my hubby or not. If I do go out and it is a nice day, I see women out and about all looking better than me, younger, prettier, sexier, and then I start to wonder if they are going where my husband works. As he works with the public this constantly niggles at me, I HATE IT! This is what I mean when I say I also have to work on the fact that women are just people, my hubby is doing really well at working on his thought process, I need to work on mine just that little bit more, especially as I say when I am feeling ill.
Unlike you, I have never really felt like I am Gods gift to my husband, it wasn't porn at that time, it was just his reaction to other women. I could be out at the park with him and his son, or sitting at a table in a pub holding his hand, and he would notice and completely 'zone out' at another woman. I have no idea how many times it happend but it was a lot, I have lost count of the number of times I have walked off in tears (this I have to say stopped a longtime ago). Or if we were buying something and the woman at the till just smiled he would then start to flirt. This I now realise is all connected but at the time I just felt like that whenever there was another woman around I just ceased to exist. There is a lot more, but I would be typing for days lol. What I am trying to say, is that a lot of emotional damage was done to me even before the porn became an issue. BUT all of his behaviour had carried over from his previous relationship, that had been breaking down for a longtime (I know as we have a great relationship with his ex). A lot of things had gone wrong there and he had been left alone for hours, sometimes all night, and this is when he discovered what the internet had to offer. Yes I would say his addiction had escalated at this time, as he had 'real women' on FB who seemed more than willing to send him pics, and not just holiday snaps if you know what I mean
It just seemed that no matter how upset he saw me, he just couldn't stop, yet again this has now all been explained. Again there is so much more to this story...........
I want to be well, physically and emotionally, I am hoping the group therapy will help me. It will be good to have some other people to chat to. I know I won't want to go into the porn side of things, as it is being held in our home town which is very small, and as I say my hubby works with the public so chances are he may bump into them at times. A good thing is, it is his counsellor that is running it, I have spoken to her several times and she is really nice. I know that if I was to say something like 'other women make me feel anxious' she would know what I meant, I may not be able to go into things in depth but she will get the idea. I am still on the list for 1-1 counselling, so hopefully that won't be too much longer
What worries me, is that my bad days really tend to worry my hubby, I am scared that I may become a trigger, not physically but emotionally
I don't know if any of this makes sense, I am typing all of this on a day when I am having to rest in bed, so I am pretty tired, emotional and muddled ha!
Hope you are doing ok, you and Mr A deserve to be so happy