Feed the Right Wolf

I had some set backs lately due to a lot of stress and loneliness issues but I am bouncing back. I am going to do some lifestyle changing. I know what my major issues are now but it seems that the demons that bother me know them too. Everyone has ups and downs in their life and I need ways of dealing with the downs. My enemies strategy is simple, get me complacent then hit me at the weakest point at where my issues lie. My greatest weapon so far is a Spiritual one. This is why I am being rigidly honest because spiritual weapons cannot work under dishonesty. I will definitely be counting days and letting you all and myself know if I am succeeding or not.
Many people would say that I am cured because I do not masturbate but I view porn as a means of entertainment and a form of escapism of my issues. I also lust after the perfect bodies of the images of women used in porn even though I am married with girl children of my own. I would not like to know that my children would fall for a guy with a similar bad habit. I would like to think that I am the last stages of getting over this addiction but it could easily go the opposite way.
This is day zero for me. Also I am working on my anger issues at the same time. This holiday has been long and I was able to spend a lot of time with my children to get in their heads a bit. I also did a lot of introspection. It was like a couple of months of self imposed jail but it did have some benefits.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

This is one of the best things I've ever seen you say. I'm proud of you for this and I'm behind you.

Your friend,
Absolution.

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Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Day two,
I have so far been honest. The line of my work and being on this website is a risk and the personal things that I have said so far should have me worried but I believe that too many people try to hide their skeletons and not really try to clean their closet.What is the point on being on a porn recovery forum and not be honest?
By the way, my problem is porn and not masturbation. Does that still make me qualify to be here?

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

You said it yourself; this is a pornography recovery forum and your problem is with pornography, so you're definitely in this right place

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Day three,
Almost slipped last night. Being the last one up at home and on the computer the same time. It was rather like a strong temptation than an urge. My slips usually start like this then I end up spending a couple of hours looking at porn. I did not let it happen last night.
I controlled my anger yesterday with my teenaged daughter. I showed her that I can control it and she showed that she can control it too. The long walks with her are helping.
I did more chores than usual and I also did a good deed for some one.
Things were calmer than usual and there was less stress.
This is when the complacency might kick in. I usually tell myself something like this:" A little porn for entertainment isn't that bad? " or " I am just killing some time. " or some other thing to justify my reason for doing it.
This is where my spiritual training has to work.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

Day four,
Visited my father-in-law who is taking some sexy chicks to his big house he has by the beach. My wife wanted us to go as well. Just the thought of being in a house full of sexy women by the beach had my imagination going for a while. Not going this weekend but perhaps next week when there is a couple of public holidays and all of us could go. I did not stay up on the internet last night but I had a couple of sexy dreams. No wet dreams though. The wife still cant give me sex. I'm holding out so far. Don't know what to do when my own dreams are replacing the internet. I think this is where I just have to hold out and remember my Spiritual training. I guess this part is called withdrawal symptoms when one is an addict. I've done it before but I cant remember how hard it was until now. The brain always pushes back painful memories. The good thing is that I know it is doable and I could do it again.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

For me the dreams fall into category of the things that I cannot control, so I do not stress over them too much whenever it does happen. Also, I believe nucternal emission is a completely healthy thing and just a way for your body to get rid of excess seamen.

Also, not sure how itt fits in your religious believes but your wife could help to relieve some of your sexual tension without having to have sex with you. Every couple is different, but I believe this is just a healthier way for you to deal with your physiological needs... Not a requirement, but I think it does help.

Just my $0.02.

Alex

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Day five,
I am on an emotional high this morning which is good. No actual sex because of my wife's condition, but we helped each other out this morning. She had been horny for a while but because of her condition she was trying not to get aroused too often. There is nothing wrong with asking your wife to help you when you are horny but I have to be careful and be sure that she is in the mood too. My wife was sexually abused by a relative since she was a child. This is not uncommon in this country. I found out early in the marriage that it makes her upset when I ask for sex when she is not in the mood. You would not like to be around my wife when she is upset. We both have anger issues sometimes.
At the end of day four I had a close call. I began looking at sexy pictures and when I realized what I was doing, I took off the computer and the internet. Lasted about 10 minutes and I did not go on any porn sites. I don't think it was an actual slip but you tell me. If it was then I would be at day zero again.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

Hi,

Nobody can tell you if you had a slip or not but yourself, give it a week and see how you feel. Situations like this is what makes having a sponsor in 12 step program extremely useful.

I would encourage you to take the time to define your circles of sobriety, what is and what is not considered acting out and would reset your sobriety.

It is very chalenging with grey area items like sexually suggestive images thhough. On one hand it is not a behaviour in which I would want to engage, or feel like it is okay to engage, but on another hand ... well this stuff is everywhere, and I wouldn't probably be able to go for a long time without looking at one, even if it wasn't intentional.

Personally currently I cross the line with nudity and intent. Meaning if I was looking for something sexual ( I.e. telling myself that I am tired) and I actually find it (click on anything that has nudity in that state) I consider it a slip. But if my intend was not to use visual imagery like drug (I.e. family members wanted to see a rated R movie, and I closed my eyes, or looked away during the sexual scene) then I would not consider it a slip.

I also would like to add that purposly looking at sexual images is not something that I currently struggle with. But if I noticed this behavior getting out of hand, I would add it to my inner circle. That is why I now have watching TV alone in my inner circle.

Anyway, since you are in your early stages of recovery I would recommend putting non nude images in your middle circle, and may be moving them to your inner circle later on. But do take the time to define your comitment to yourself very carefully and precisely, so next time you will not have this problem.

_________________
Sign Up for Our Webinar - February 6, 2012

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Links: Porn Addiction

Still day five,
Thanks Alex for your explanation. I guess it is up to me and I choose to not call it a slip yet. But I was hanging on the edge though. After about four days my sexual tension does build up ( what I mean here is my need to look at porn to take the edge off my withdrawal from porn, this only makes sense to an addict) and it is better if I had not tempted it. This is why I took off the internet after 10 minutes watching stuff.
I am all alone tonight in my house. We had a flood and the water came in the house. My wife gets scary nightmares about being in a house after a flood. She took the kids and went over by her sister's. They had better weather over there. I stayed home and mopped out the house. I am relaxing after all that hard work. Tomorrow I have to face the yard.
I have no strong sexual urges tonight after the wife and i had a good time this morning. I think I should make it to day six easily.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.