Feed the Right Wolf

Well, like many of you, I'm not new to this game.
My first exposure to pornography was around the age of 13.

I am now 23, and in remission.
I hope to spend a bit of time on here receiving and maybe even offering encouragement and help, but I don't know how dedicated I am to updating this particular thread regularly. Due to my openness about my addiction in many of the circles of my life, I already have a number of family and friends that demand accountability. This has been a great strength, having the support, without judgement, from some of the closest people in my life. Mind you, that I never would have expected it from many of them.

I have been "sober" of my addiction since May of 2011. Sober to me meaning: that I have not sought out pornography; and when I have come across it in typical internet, print media, and television usage that I have not stayed longer than recognizing the threat and backing away from it. My definition of pornography is anything that incites carnal feelings or desires outside of my marriage.

I will never forget the look on my wife's face when I admitted my addiction. It is seered into my mind forever and still breaks my heart. It was the initial motivation I found to abstain from my addiction. I think that if I had come clean sooner, that if I had told her myself without first getting backed into a corner that she would be here helping me. I think that my child wouldn't be living in two homes, and I wouldn't be losing my two step daughters who were 6 months old and in the womb when I met my wife. I am the only dad they know, their biological father is in prison. My life is literally in ruins because of the damage of pornography. I have been out of work since June when my marital problems really amped up and depression affected my work attendance.

I am now 7 weeks into attending an Addiction Recovery Group 12 step program put on my the LDS church (mormons) derived from AA. It has moved me past my initial motivations of getting my wife back, and now I feel truly committed and in it for the right reasons. Technically I am on step 4 working from step 1 forward in the class literature, but I find myself jumping around a LOT, applying principles from other steps as I learn them.

I have found limiting the media in my home has been the biggest deterrent to experiencing cravings, I don't know how much it is the actual media, but rather that the spirit of god can't dwell in any unholy place and I have been working my hardest to make my home a refuge from the world and inviting to the spirit of the lord. I have stopped watching R rated movies, I look up all PG-13 movies online to understand their reasons for being rated that way before watching them. I tried turning the internet off on my phone for awhile, but I found it didn't really help me. I found that the key to not indulging in my addiction comes not from impeding my ability to seek it out (internet filters, ect...) but rather recognizing the triggers and getting control of the thoughts as they first creep into my mind. I do this through prayer, scripture study, and spiritual hymns. If I get to the point of wanting to seek out the pornography I have already let it go to far and my addiction is controlling my actions as opposed to myself.

Over time I came clean to a number of people. Wife, Ecclesiastical Leader, Father, Mother, Brother, individually selected extended family, and now almost all of my friends. I have found it easier to address the problem the more open I am about it (within reason). A lot of support comes out of the woodwork as soon as I am willing to be the first one to come out and expose my addiction. A LOT of people struggle with pornography or have at some point, I never would have guessed some of the people who have confided in me with their struggles and/or past once I came forward first.

I heard once, that addiction is like mold. When you tuck it away in a dark damp place, it only festers and endangers our mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health. As soon as it is brought out into the light, it is a simple problem, it may be deeply rooted and it may require extensive repairs, but its no complicated affair. I firmly believe this.

Hey, Gordon, welcome to the forum. Congratulations on your hard work. Your story and mine are very similar. My wife and I are separated right now because of my addiction. We have 5 children and they spend a lot of time between our two places. Both of our families, our priests and friends know of my addiction and all have been very supportive, except my wife.

She is still angry almost 3 months later. It is going to be a while before things get to the point where we can work on our marriage. I am now 11 weeks free with no problems. I still work hard, but she is still skeptical. It is going to just take time.

Thanks for sharing your story. It is an inspiration to the rest of us that hard work does pay off.

Take care.

_________________
Sobriety date: November 6, 2011
In all you do, remember the end of your life and then you will never sin. Sirach 7:36

Love and time can heal just about anything.

Failure is not an option.

Welcome, Gordon.

What a great analogy at the end of your post... it's very true. It seems like you've already made a lot of progress and have some support; I hope you find more support and direction here. Keep coming back!

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Wow! These are very wise words, Gordon, and so very true. I commend you on your decision to embark on this recovery programme. I am sorry about your wife, but will include you in my prayers that you two may be re-united. As a new member to this site and the programme, I have been struggling to overcome my fear and share my problem with others. I have only been able to do so here. Your words have gone a long way in giving me the strength to open up to those around me. Thank you.

Thank you for your replies.

It has been a rough week emotionally, and temptation has been intense. With the start of this semester I have found myself necessarily online doing homework late at night while feeling desperately lonely for my wife and children. I think I have listened to the song Faithfully by Journey about a hundred times already this week! It seems to help me take a breather when I feel temptation and push a reset button in my mind.

My biggest trigger for cravings right now is depression, which is at an all time high this week. I didn't go into much detail in my first post, but my wife is actually with another man, and has been for a few months now. It kills me, and my mind creates vulgar, almost pornographic thoughts of the two of them together that just cut me to the core. I couldn't count the number of sleepless nights I have prayed for hours and hours for a little piece of peace and escape from those thoughts.

Well I poured my heart out to my wife in a letter; I told her what I need from her, and what I can offer for her if she decides I am worth it. Her attitude changed. In the letter I told her I couldn't spend time with her anymore unless she lost the other man she is being intimate with both emotionally and physically, it is just too much for me to handle (hypocritical... probably, but I never justified my addiction to my wife and actively fought to overcome it, not defend it). A few days later she invited me in when I went to her apartment to drop off my son and was flirtatious and close to me the whole time I was there for over two hours. I was in heaven. I left at midnight and was as giddy as a teenage girl with a new crush. For the first time in years, my sleepless night was a joy. The next morning I called her and she was with her boyfriend. I dropped lower than I started out before the good night. I felt like it was a slap in the face just because she purposefully did the complete opposite of what I told her I could handle.

That day a mutual friend finally worked up the guts to call and tell me that my wife had confided in her that she was 2 weeks late for her period and thought she was pregnant.... me and my wife haven't been intimate in 4+ months...
My first reaction is to be furious at her, but before long my anger turned to guilt. Had it not been for my pornography usage she never would have moved out. I know she has her own decisions to make, but I feel I played a key part in the loss of her virtue, and it is eating away at me worse than my addiction ever has. I feel responsible.

Taking it one day at a time, grateful for the personal relationship I have developed with God through my recovery thus far. If not for it, I know for a fact I couldn't have made it this far.

I am thinking the effects and heartache of my addiction will last for eternities, I just pray that the pain dulls over time. I thought when I got here (9 months sober) that I would feel great; but frankly I don't feel like I've overcome much at all. The pain of my failed marriage due to my addiction is all that is on my mind, always.

Hi Gordon,

I hope I don't offend you as you clearly care for your wife, but I will say that if you work on your recovery and your wife is not willing to go through that with you, it is better the separation happens now. Trust that your higher power will present to you exactly what you need.

I truly feel for you and I have a lot to say about this but I don't wish to bring it to the forum publicly; if you have any interest in talking about this, please send me a private message.

I hope for the best in your recovery.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

It's been way too long since I've been around.
I'm going to give myself the benefit of the doubt.
My marriage is over, my wife is officially pregnant with her boyfriend/fiance and is starting a life with him. I had a few pictures and video's of my wife in my phone from the year before that. I finally went in and deleted them, which required my viewing them long enough to distinguish between them and priceless photo's of my children. I really really wanted to, but I didn't let myself spend any more time than necessary. Maybe I should call that a relapse, I dunno, but I'm not; honestly the hindsight is liberating in a way.

My thoughts during the process were "hurry up and get this done", but as I evaluate it now, my thoughts don't turn to pornographic images, sexuality, or anything carnal. I think about good memories with my wife, I think about our time together, and I think about how much I miss her. Two years ago my mind was not free enough to let me have these thoughts and cope, it would have triggered urges which I would have caved in to. I'm learning how to handle and understand myself in a sincere way, and its empowering.

In general I can't think of any words to say about how I feel, nothing seems to hit the spot. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm just... exhausted; but at the same time I am not hopeless. I feel better in some ways than I can ever remember feeling.

I do have an embarrassing question for others here though. I've never had wet dreams while going through puberty like maturation classes said I would. I don't know why. Anyways, since my marital separation (lack of sexual intimacy) and abstinence from P & M, I've had several. I don't understand why this is happening to me all of a sudden and wonder if anyone else has experienced this when their sexual activity ground to a halt. It's not that I'm dreaming about anything sexual or carnal, it just wakes me up as it is happening and I feel completely embarrassed and gross even if I am the only one that knows. It's not like I feel all "bottled up" or anything, I really see no explanation.

I am very sorry to hear about the situation with your wife. All I can really suggest is to pray about it, and trust in God to bring you through this situation.

As for your other question, I never really experienced wet dreams either as a teen, maybe once, but I did experience one recently after a time where I had gone close to a week without mb. I don't really understand everything behind it, but I've heard it's a fairly common thing to people who suddenly cut off their sexual activity.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13