Feed the Right Wolf

Week 1 wrap-up. (Will post more frequently!)

Hello everyone, my name is M., I'm 21 years old, and I'm a Psychology sophomore. I'd like to tell you a bit about myself, albeit not too much, for the sake of your time. I've just completed my first week of the program.

I've been using porn increasingly since I was 15-16. I've been an frequent object of bullying at school, and I've been raised in a caring, though overprotective and verbally-abusing family. Over time, my porn usage has been only increasing and I have developed social anxiety disorder (SAD), with a few suicide attempts. I've almost watched every sick fetish you've probably thought of (with some exceptions), even if they have only collided with my morality.

Basically, I've put up with a lot of emotional suffering in my life and I'm proud of myself for having made it this far. I consider myself a sociable, friendly, kind, energetic and empathic person and I've made a lot of progress ever since. I now have an long-distance relationship with a girl that I've met over the internet, and even if I haven't met her personally yet (we're meeting in May, and planning to move in together next year, provided everything goes as planned), I love her as I've never loved anyone in my life and I will stay true and faithful to ourselves. (If you'd like to know anything else about me, please don't hesitate to ask. I'd love to meet new friends here and have people I can rely on - people that can rely on myself as well)

Daily Checklist: (List every self-care Item that you did use this Week)
8 hours of sleep
Healthy diet
Limited computer usage (I've been hooked to my computer for a long time, and I've been seriously addicted to it, I'm keeping it to approximately 4 hours.)
ERP (I don't know how many times, mostly 2 everyday)
Intense fitness program 5-6 times a week
Meeting up with friends or going for a walk sometimes

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Week:

Since I've read Alex Wolf's program I feel little craving about watching porn, which makes things much easier. Now, I have no doubt I want to quit it for good.

My motivations are as follows:

- One of my main motivations is to overcome my porn-induced ED by the time I meet my girlfriend
- Another one is how intimate and aroused I feel with our erotic stories, which fill me up emotionally in such a compelling way that porn is just cornered and belittled.
- To be able to take control of my emotional brain in such a way that I avoid feeling bad over misinterpreations. I can now mention an episode today where my girlfriend joked about cheating on me and walking out on me (over an inanimate object!). I truly felt just as she were cheating on me and leaving me herself, right now... which couldn't be any more different than the truth! So, I'd like to use ERP to be able to slowly reprogram myself and heal the damage I've taken over the years.
- To have a good, healthy sexual life
- To stop feeling guilty, inappropriate, borderline crazy, or sick
- To ease my emotions and feel less extreme about them, to be able to keep calm. I've been way too up and down for too long.
- To be able to feel confident in social activities, such as parties, walking down the street on my own, etc.

Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Week:
Not much of them. I've been feeling ever more satisfied and calm since I've joined the program.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill This Week:
Right now I'm studying for a final exam. Nonetheless, improving my social skill isone of my main objectives and I'm eager to improve them. Will try as soon as I have free time.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced This Week:
I can take control of my emotions, with enough patience and practice. I have to take things one step at a time. I can heal my ED, something I was afraid of being unable to do. Never lose hope.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
For having stumbled upon this program and this forum, and having found the opportunity to make a life anew.

Thanks for reading, your friend,
- alphacode

_________________
1 week - complete

Hi alphacode,

Welcome to the forum. You already seem to be on the right track. Good luck friend. Stay strong.

_________________
Last day PMO - 08/05

Welcome alphacode
You have made a start, now stick to it, put in the required effort
Do not get complacent when you start to feel better.
All the best with your recovery. Keep coming back.
Peter

Day 8.

Checklist:

I haven't checked any of them, I haven't slept well, I've only had ice-cream and milk and toasts after more than half a day of no food. No ERP nor physical exercise, so far, at 9:45 p.m. I can only have a hearty dinner, do my ERP and get a good rest before I get back to study.

Strong Emotions:

Lust: I CHEATED ON MY GIRLFRIEND. I had sex with a friend... she came over after midnight and was dressed up very sexy, and one thing led to another... I lost my mind and the temptation broke me. I also had my own reasons though: I wanted to see how my penis reacted (and to be aware of my sexual performance) after my first week of recovery and to release some emotional tension and feel warmth. However, I've decided not to see her again for sex and to stay strong and truthful.

Distance: My connection with my girlfriend has been dull, limited, and blue today.

Anger and feeling offended:
A - My girlfriend went to a huge bookstore and got some books for herself. When she replied one of them was "Notes from Underground", and I asked "Dostoevski?", her answer was "I don't think there's other 'Notes from Underground' out there...".
B - She's mocking my intellect with sarcasm.
C - I felt angry and attacked, because her answer came out as unnecesarily rude.
D - There wasn't a real dispute. I kinda lost it, as usual. I just replied to her text with "Okay........." and when she realized she excused herself, and even though I told to myself and to herself I was over it, I'm 3 hours later thinking about it and feeling bad about it. Damn.

Negative Believes:

Belief - My girlfriend's taste in books is excessively underground and hipster-ish, which makes me feel scornful and spiteful.
The Truth - 1 - She can read whatever she feels like. 2 - Everyone's tastes are different. 3 - If she actually gets books to build an image of herself (which I highly doubt), it's her problem. 4 - Why tag her taste in books anyway...

Belief - I think she might walk out on me because my emotional unstability, feel that I'm not worth it and that I'm crazy
The Truth - She says she supports me unconditionally, I think it'd be great to paste this idea in my head once and for all...

Social Skills:

I met one of my best friends right after dropping my fuck buddy. We had a nice time playing guitar at home and laughing with internet posts.

Positive things I learned:

Keep calm, even if you feel offended. It's usually best to go past these times when I feel offended or attacked and to settle them down by myself later on.

I am Thankful For:

The friend I had sex with was cool with quitting sex with me altogether. I can rely on my best friend to share good times, even if they don't look like anything special.

Final summation:

It was a crappy day recoverywise. Having sex with my friend didn't really help (beyond the great sex we had, and the sweet moments). On the contrary, it made my day feel short and unaccomplished.
There are things I'm worried about, when it comes to the relationship with my girlfriend.
And whenever I observe them, they tell me a lot about myself.

First, oversensitivity. I am extremely sensitized to any word my girlfriend says. Which worries both of us. Absence of smilies = coldness, for example. Tiny (playful) stuff could be interpreted as rude, or uncaring to my emotional brain. Even though I know that is not the solution, this is simply a response I've inherited from my kiddie/teenage days. Any gesture, any word, any attitude can disqualify whatever is good about the people around me. Sometimes I feel she doesn't love me, just because of bullshit.

Second, intolerance. any taste/choice I don't agree with, I disapprove it, I challenge it, I scorn it. My way or the highway. Wrong. People have the choice to like and do whatever they want and I'm not the one to judge. I see this as the outcome as being judged by my peers, then my parents, and ultimately, myself - and this needs to be changed as quickly as I can. Not only I make others feel bad about themselves, but I feel bad also because I feel people aren't who they should be. That is, me.

I'd really appreciate if you could share suggestions about how to work these two factors I've just written about. These are big barriers that have been trapped in myself for too long, and all I want to do is to be the best person I can be, be it for myself, for my girlfriend, for my friends, for my family, or for any stranger that comes across in my life.

Your friend,
- alphacode

_________________
1 week - complete

Good morning, or should I say afternoon. After I woke up at 15:30, or, better put was waken up by grandma I'm here, doing my homework. Not good. Anyway, I have to let you in some things. Over the past few days, I've decided to take a break off my routine, which was something like this.

8 hours of sleep
Fitness intensive program
ERP (2x)
Auto-hypnosis confidence program (it's incredible)
Study
Diet
No more than 4 hours of computer

I couldn't concentrate when I put myself to study... my girlfriend was sending SMS all the time, I needed this and that from downstairs, my head was flying across the room while trying to read and understand the texts, definitely not good. So, I decided to do a a little experiment. I'd skip the February exam and I'd give myself a mini-vacation altogether for 3 days. and sit for 2 final exams in March. I hadn't gone out at night for a quite a bit, because of this routine. I had several reasons to do this: I wanted to go back to my slacker mode, and contrast it to my hard-working, strict one. I also wanted to put off some internal pressure. Another reason: I wanted to feel what my progress had been like and whether it was possible to have a "healthy" lifestyle doing pretty much what I wanted. That is, instant pleasure.

Goodbye diet, sleep, well everything. I had some beer, ice-cream, pizza, etc... no workout this time. Definitely, while it was a good idea not to work out for one or even two days, I could tell the difference right away. My energy levels were dropping, even if I was feeling more relaxed and less pressured. After almost a month of heavy-duty exercise, I felt my muscles lose their power, albeit not as powerless as back when I started the program.

I listened to some music I hadn't listened to for months, and it was great. I had a belief that it was music that was negative and needed to be replaced, but I realized these artists and their music are a part of me. I also watched a couple of great movies.

Amid all this binging and slacking spree, yes, I decided to watch porn, not because I needed it, but because I just desired to binge in every aspect. It wasn't a good idea, I admit, but now I shredded all my hard-downloaded porn, so I'm completely clean now (I had kept my stash before).

Not everything was peaches and cream - I've made some short-term plans and reaffirmed my mid- and long-term ones. All in all, I'd say it was an interesting experiment with myself, to contrast the lifestyle I had been starting to build a month ago. I'm convinced that this is the way that will lead me to success and happiness, in any given area of my life.

My routine is pretty much the same. The only difference is that I'm especially focusing in being absorbed while studying and not overusing my computer (I have been a computer junkie for many years). 16:44 p.m., a call to my girlfriend and off to study and then work out, I dearly miss it!

Wish me good luck and strength, I'll need them.
(and I guess I'll recount the abstinence days)

Your friend,
- alphacode

_________________
1 week - complete

Day 14.

Woah, I hit the 2-week mark. This is good!

Checklist:

Even though I didn't get my 8 hours of sleep (I got 5 and a half) I woke up early today in order to start studying again. No ERP, but I will do it as soon as I get today's entry done, so I'll get at least one, heh. I'm starting with the exercise program again tomorrow.

Strong Emotions:

Lust: After having shredded my entire porn collection, I tried to look for a clip I was obsessed about. Luckily I couldn't find it on stream so I decided not to download it. Then I went through some old magazines for a minute, but did nothing.

Calm: I felt very calm and concentrated during the day, I never felt I wasted any minute of it, which is often a concern of mine. I had the sensation of doing things right, which really satisfies me and gets me down to earth.

Negative Believes:

None today. Happy!

Social Skills:

Made small chit-chat at the practitioner's office, and with the cab driver. I felt very cool and comfy.

Positive things I learned:

Things can change. Suddenly I was cool when talking with strangers, and I loved it.

I am Thankful For:

My girlfriend, my supportive family, the chance to study at university without worrying about jobs or money.

I expect to sleep a bit more (6-7 hours) and do my workout routine. I might also hit the bar tomorrow, see what I can do about my social skills. I'm very interested in meeting strangers. I'll also study more and more and my recesses will be shorter and shorter as days go by. I also hope to incorporate meditation and auto-hypnosis. Au revoir!

Your friend,
- alphacode

_________________
1 week - complete

Hey. Congrats on hitting 2 week mark! That's fantastic. Good job on not giving in to those temptations.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Day 16.

Alright folks. Time for an important update today. In advance, excuse me for all the profanity. I need to fully express myself and there's a big reason why it is here.

I've been having a tough time pinning my addiction down. You see, I've been disorganized lately and I've been slacking lately, that's why I get more hours in front of the screen and then that's when the temptation gets bigger and bigger. My study is almost non-existant. I haven't worked out lately. I hardly ever get out of the house. It's definitely time to make some big changes in my life and step it up! I'm going to split today's journal between the main topics concerning my life.

An Unexpected Slope

I had it pretty much covered over the first week. The cravings were very few. ERP and working out very hard were what was supporting me and making me disciplined and strong, and, to tell you the truth, gentlemen, I thought I was going to make it without breaking a sweat, that it was under my control. How wrong I was.

Unfaithfulness

Then the ball started rolling, and my foundation started to tremble. I arranged a meeting with a friend, and we had sex: I cheated on my girl. Not only that - my friend got hooked and I think she fell in love with me, even though we had arranged we were "friends with benefits". I'm not too worried about it, I blocked her on facebook and I'll wait until she's over me to approach her again, as true friends. I promised to myself not to cheat on my girl ever again. And fuck my experiments with my dick, and the abstinence, and anything, no excuse is valid! This is just not being the man she deserves.

"Faithfulness shouldn't be a punishment, but rather a commitment that one makes with good will. Knowing that one is waiting for the one and only, for who one truly loves and holds in one's own heart."

Energy Drops

Besides the really energetic and fantastic sex I had with my f-buddy (it was DAMN good, guilt and everything aside, I'm not gonna lie), I slacked on my exercise plan (which is 8 weeks long). My muscles started falling day after day, and I've lost a bit of my newly gained confidence. Time to go for it with all I got!

Failure

Yes, I fell for porn again. I watched it a couple of times. After that I've decided to shred all my collection (350+ GB and 400 more downloading! - holy shit) and I told myself that if I wanted to get through this, I'd have to get ALL my life in order.

The Tower of Hope Stands Tall... And My Dreams Are Too

This isn't only about quitting porn, and ending my addiction - It's about liberating all the potential inside of me. It's about ending the worthless and endless hours misspent in front of a screen, scrolling through wikipedia, facebook, random pages and whatnot. It's about making my dreams come true. I want to study my ass off, get a scholarship and as much money as I can, and move to Italy with my sweetheart, under the same roof. I want to be a great musician, and a great singer. I want to be successful at my studies. I want to travel all over the world. I want to be rich and help to make the world a better place. And many, many other things! It's about goddamn time to get to work and bust my ass! It's the only way things will come true for me. "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% transpiration."

So, this is my plan for the following weeks, revisited:

Sleep from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m.
ERP, Auto-hypnosis, shower, shaving, breakfast
Workout
Study from 10:00 to 12:30 (with a 5-minute recess every 45 minutes)
Lunch
Free time until 3:00 - will take a power nap if I'm feeling too tired
Study from 3:00 to 7:00-8:30 (with tea time in between)
Free time/dinner
ERP/diary writing before bedtime

There is not a limit about my computer usage, but rather a change in the way of how I spend my free time. I'd rather go out there for a walk in town, get together with friends/family, make some music or play my guitar or sing, than just waste my time and idle at facebook, or reading useless stuff. One of my main motivations for idling at the computer is to listen to music, perhaps I could work things out so I can listen to it elsewhere.

Regarding my weekend. I'd spend more time at the computer, but for making music. Else I'd pretty much get out of my house. I need to get out of my home, you know, it's really weird to walk downtown and start feeling anxious, self-conscious about how you look, and thinking about everyone you pass by. One of my sticking points is also the way I feel when I'm not home, be it with friends, at gatherings, or parties... I'd like to express myself and meet a lot of new people! Spread my horizons, and expand my social network. The social network that really matters, you know, not facebook. It's for a motherfucking change!

Sober since 2/28/2011.

Thank you for reading. Lotta continua. (continuous struggle)

Your friend,
- alphacode

P.S.: Thanks tobefree for reading and the congratulations. Stay strong.

_________________
1 week - complete

Hello Alphacode,

I've refrained from posting on your journal because I had found it a little confusing and frankly had mixed feelings. I am not in the business of defining anyone's recovery and try to be careful when pointing out potential for growth without being directly asked. I do feel compelled to comment now, though.

Every addict comes in to recovery at a different place. The only addicts that do not benefit from recovery are those unwilling to commit to honesty, both with themselves and others. This includes taking as objective of a look at yourself as possible. I do not aim to point out flaws and criticize, but I personally know how hard it is to get outside of yourself and take a realistic look.

I haven't really said this before on the forum, but I think it's very important to not make a distinction between pornography addiction and sex addiction. I strongly believe that pornography addiction is one of sex addiction's many forms. I hope you are able to see potential issues in your interaction with your friend as you have with your pornography use.

One thing that I'd like to bring up is how your description of your interaction with the friend comes across as a lack of respect and concern for your girlfriend. Not in the fact that there was infidelity in and of itself, but rather in your description of it. Again I want to stress that I'm only trying to help you gain perspective on yourself, but describing it as "the really energetic and fantastic sex I had with my f-buddy (it was DAMN good, guilt and everything aside, I'm not gonna lie)" isn't exactly demonstrative of remorse or empathy. We are extremely selfish when in active addiction, and granted you are in very early recovery, but looking at this aspect of yourself would be beneficial.

The second point to think on may be the description of the seemingly unimportant text exchange pertaining to the Notes from the Underground, in that you took your girlfriend's reply to be an attack on your intelligence. I have been very, very quick to get defensive and perceived many things as attacks against myself. I've come to realize that the more "inside my own head" I am, the more likely I am to get defensive. In this case, your girlfriend may have thought you were being pretentious, displaying that you had knowledge of who the book's author was, and that's what came across in her reply. Realizing this, there could have been a discussion and the negative feelings on both sides may have been avoiding. Either way, assumptions would have been.

Last, the language here: "my friend got hooked and I think she fell in love with me, even though we had arranged we were "friends with benefits". I'm not too worried about it, I blocked her on facebook and I'll wait until she's over me to approach her again, as true friends." My perception (and remember that my perception is based on what's been revealed to me) is again of being inside your own head. Focus on self, then avoidance, are cornerstones of active addiction.

Recovery is not about sobriety from whatever we are addicted to. It's about establishing a relationship with a higher power, getting outside of yourself, and then working on the aspects of yourself that led to the addiction in the first place; the character defects that are the root causes of addiction.

I hope you take these words as an opportunity to get objective feedback. I want every addict to have success.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Absolution: I'll follow my train of thought.

Wow, these are indeed very hard words. I'm appalled at what I'm reading, but I'm very thankful for it. I will write your words down on paper and reflect on them, because I want to change and stop being disrespectful, full of myself, and as you said "inside of my own head". I'm most of the time "inside of my own head", to be honest, I'm an only child, and I've been alone most of my life. Yet the more I'm "inside of my own head", the quicker I am at getting defensive at attacks from people which most of the time aren't real.
And to be honest, both with myself and with you all, I can only think I'm an asshole after reading these words. However, I can change and get things straight. This is not who I want to be. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have figured this by myself, and your words are a true blessing. All I can say is: thank you. And my recovery should be much fuller than what I had thought of at first.

Your friend,
alphacode

P.S.: If you're okay with that, I'd like to know more about your "mixed feelings". I'm very interested in what you think and feel after reading my entries. The last thing I want to be is a selfish piece of human trash...

_________________
1 week - complete