Really crazy couple of days--but luckily still sober from pornography. Friday I almost went and got the password to my K9 filter to disable it but came to my senses. I was insane that day, I probably would have acted out 4 times in a row. Ended up masturbating to fantasy but oh well, I'll gladly take it over a day of binging.
Had some good days between then and today, some totally sober, others masturbating but a good weekend. Then today I got the crazy idea--since my roommate has been out of town and took his laptop with him--to go to the library and look at porn. I found a computer in the back and tried to download some videos onto my external harddrive that I had with me--but I said "what on earth is this coming to accomplish? nothing, get out of here" and left. However, I went back and did it again--even worse I printed out two photos of girls I used to know, planning on masturbating to the photos when I got home.
I was running home, trying to get back before I thought to do ERP--I was insatiably horny and certainly insane. I slowed down, thought about the 5 days without masturbating to porn, and how looking at the videos I had wouldn't help me, it wouldn't only make me feel worse, and ruin my entire week! I found a quiet spot and called a member in my SAA group, he asked me what I was thinking and I told him. He reminded me how I would probably feel like crap afterwards and how bad I would feel telling this story to everyone at the meeting on Saturday. He told me to turn around and go do something fun and healthy, so I told him I would go to a nearby arcade to get my mind of things.
But first, I walked over to a dumpster, ripped up and threw away the photos I had printed out, and threw the flash drive as hard as I could into the ground, shattering it. I threw what was left of it in the dumpster and hung out at the arcade. When I got home, I was still horny and ended up masturbating to some images (fully clothed, non-pornographic ones) which I am not super pleased about (images are in my middle circle) but I did shut them down and finish masturbating without them. Today was so brutal, that I just had to have a release of some kind and I am really happy I didn't binge to porn and I was able to call a member.
I have been masturbating about once every 2 days which is an improvement for me. I am going to try and stay on this schedule, and so the goal this week is to be totally sober tomorrow--stay away from the library or anywhere with computers--and make it to Thursday afternoon, when I will allow myself to masturbate without any visual stimulation. This would be a healthy routine to get into, and I really hope I can stick with it.