Alright folks. Time for an important update today. In advance, excuse me for all the profanity. I need to fully express myself and there's a big reason why it is here.
I've been having a tough time pinning my addiction down. You see, I've been disorganized lately and I've been slacking lately, that's why I get more hours in front of the screen and then that's when the temptation gets bigger and bigger. My study is almost non-existant. I haven't worked out lately. I hardly ever get out of the house. It's definitely time to make some big changes in my life and step it up! I'm going to split today's journal between the main topics concerning my life.
An Unexpected Slope
I had it pretty much covered over the first week. The cravings were very few. ERP and working out very hard were what was supporting me and making me disciplined and strong, and, to tell you the truth, gentlemen, I thought I was going to make it without breaking a sweat, that it was under my control. How wrong I was.
Then the ball started rolling, and my foundation started to tremble. I arranged a meeting with a friend, and we had sex: I cheated on my girl. Not only that - my friend got hooked and I think she fell in love with me, even though we had arranged we were "friends with benefits". I'm not too worried about it, I blocked her on facebook and I'll wait until she's over me to approach her again, as true friends. I promised to myself not to cheat on my girl ever again. And fuck my experiments with my dick, and the abstinence, and anything, no excuse is valid! This is just not being the man she deserves.
"Faithfulness shouldn't be a punishment, but rather a commitment that one makes with good will. Knowing that one is waiting for the one and only, for who one truly loves and holds in one's own heart."
Besides the really energetic and fantastic sex I had with my f-buddy (it was DAMN good, guilt and everything aside, I'm not gonna lie), I slacked on my exercise plan (which is 8 weeks long). My muscles started falling day after day, and I've lost a bit of my newly gained confidence. Time to go for it with all I got!
Yes, I fell for porn again. I watched it a couple of times. After that I've decided to shred all my collection (350+ GB and 400 more downloading! - holy shit) and I told myself that if I wanted to get through this, I'd have to get ALL my life in order.
The Tower of Hope Stands Tall... And My Dreams Are Too
This isn't only about quitting porn, and ending my addiction - It's about liberating all the potential inside of me. It's about ending the worthless and endless hours misspent in front of a screen, scrolling through wikipedia, facebook, random pages and whatnot. It's about making my dreams come true. I want to study my ass off, get a scholarship and as much money as I can, and move to Italy with my sweetheart, under the same roof. I want to be a great musician, and a great singer. I want to be successful at my studies. I want to travel all over the world. I want to be rich and help to make the world a better place. And many, many other things! It's about goddamn time to get to work and bust my ass! It's the only way things will come true for me. "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% transpiration."
So, this is my plan for the following weeks, revisited:
Sleep from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m.
ERP, Auto-hypnosis, shower, shaving, breakfast
Study from 10:00 to 12:30 (with a 5-minute recess every 45 minutes)
Free time until 3:00 - will take a power nap if I'm feeling too tired
Study from 3:00 to 7:00-8:30 (with tea time in between)
ERP/diary writing before bedtime
There is not a limit about my computer usage, but rather a change in the way of how I spend my free time. I'd rather go out there for a walk in town, get together with friends/family, make some music or play my guitar or sing, than just waste my time and idle at facebook, or reading useless stuff. One of my main motivations for idling at the computer is to listen to music, perhaps I could work things out so I can listen to it elsewhere.
Regarding my weekend. I'd spend more time at the computer, but for making music. Else I'd pretty much get out of my house. I need to get out of my home, you know, it's really weird to walk downtown and start feeling anxious, self-conscious about how you look, and thinking about everyone you pass by. One of my sticking points is also the way I feel when I'm not home, be it with friends, at gatherings, or parties... I'd like to express myself and meet a lot of new people! Spread my horizons, and expand my social network. The social network that really matters, you know, not facebook. It's for a motherfucking change!
Sober since 2/28/2011.
Thank you for reading. Lotta continua. (continuous struggle)
P.S.: Thanks tobefree for reading and the congratulations. Stay strong.
1 week - complete