Well folks, I lasted around 12 days, had a mini relapse last thursday night/friday morning, I took myself to the edge but stopped at the precipice, but it was a really long session and I couldn't stop myself and also its hard to admit I didn't want to stop myself. It completely threw me out of whack the following day at work, I had to find a quiet corner and sleep for 5 minutes which is terrible of me. Suffice to say that evening after work I came home and went straight to bed.
The weekend went extremely well for me afterwords, Saturday at work went by like a breeze, I had a really good nights sleep, woke up today at 12, went to the gym, came home this afternoon, and relapsed...
This is what scares me, I was extremely positive today, went to the gym for the first time in about six months, came home feeling great, had plans for the evening, felt a lot better about myself, was thinking of posting here, reading a book I have on the subject etc. etc. then it just happened; like a slippery slope, I found myself clicking away and it was over in just a few minutes. I couldn't stop myself, I didn't intend to use, wasn't thinking much about it at all, but one website lead to another, internet blocker came off, and its done.
I found myself justifying my actions like 'i'll just start over again, its no big deal, I won't blame myself too much'. At least it was over quickly which I suppose is good, but the guilt remains, i'm trying to cope with this as I type.
My girlfriend has not been at home for the whole of last week as her studies have taken over her life at the moment, i'm dividing my time coping with this problem, work, future plans and spending time with her at her school int he evenings. I'm trying to not leave any room for using PM but it seems to creep into my conscience somehow and before I know it i'm acting out.
Well thats it, just wanted to share my progress with you folks, I don't feel too horrible about it, maybe I should, but what would it achieve? I just have to keep trying, start over again, and count the days til my lovely missus is back at home again,and get on with life.
I Feel I need some sort of help with the urge, some sort of diversionary tactic, I suppose I need to practice ERP more, but its hard to peel myself from the computer and identify the trigger moments before they happen. I need my computer for work and planning a future career for myself so I can't not use the computer.