Feed the Right Wolf

Well folks, I lasted around 12 days, had a mini relapse last thursday night/friday morning, I took myself to the edge but stopped at the precipice, but it was a really long session and I couldn't stop myself and also its hard to admit I didn't want to stop myself. It completely threw me out of whack the following day at work, I had to find a quiet corner and sleep for 5 minutes which is terrible of me. Suffice to say that evening after work I came home and went straight to bed.

The weekend went extremely well for me afterwords, Saturday at work went by like a breeze, I had a really good nights sleep, woke up today at 12, went to the gym, came home this afternoon, and relapsed...

This is what scares me, I was extremely positive today, went to the gym for the first time in about six months, came home feeling great, had plans for the evening, felt a lot better about myself, was thinking of posting here, reading a book I have on the subject etc. etc. then it just happened; like a slippery slope, I found myself clicking away and it was over in just a few minutes. I couldn't stop myself, I didn't intend to use, wasn't thinking much about it at all, but one website lead to another, internet blocker came off, and its done.

I found myself justifying my actions like 'i'll just start over again, its no big deal, I won't blame myself too much'. At least it was over quickly which I suppose is good, but the guilt remains, i'm trying to cope with this as I type.

My girlfriend has not been at home for the whole of last week as her studies have taken over her life at the moment, i'm dividing my time coping with this problem, work, future plans and spending time with her at her school int he evenings. I'm trying to not leave any room for using PM but it seems to creep into my conscience somehow and before I know it i'm acting out.

Well thats it, just wanted to share my progress with you folks, I don't feel too horrible about it, maybe I should, but what would it achieve? I just have to keep trying, start over again, and count the days til my lovely missus is back at home again,and get on with life.

I Feel I need some sort of help with the urge, some sort of diversionary tactic, I suppose I need to practice ERP more, but its hard to peel myself from the computer and identify the trigger moments before they happen. I need my computer for work and planning a future career for myself so I can't not use the computer.

Happened again tonight/this morning... it was extremely impulsive and I couldn't stop myself. I think i'm a bit lonely as my girlfriend is away. I'll keep trying and perserveering. More Exposure response control for me I think, I really need to find the off button... if there is one!

Hi bigbadwolf,

Though relapses are common in recovery, one must sit and analyse the root of the reasons for the relapse. And find out anyway to avoid that particular reason somehow.
Step1: Finding the root cause of the relapse - This learning is very important.
Step2: You must commit to the learning and act on it with dedication and willingness

For e.g. You said it may be because you are lonely. Immediately you should have called up your friend or relative or whomever is available and you should have spend the time with them. This is the only way we can avoid any relapse by avoiding the situations that would lead to the relapse.

It takes time in the way even if you are lonely you still can be strong, but still then you have to follow the two steps above diligently. You should list out all the possible trigger situations for you and possible avoidance plans and practice them.

Everyday will be a learning. I once thought i am comfortable and started watching a movie and i was not aware not of the nudity scene, and it disturbed a little. It is only little still it affects you in some way. So the learning is either watch a movie which is not R rated or do not watch any movies. Keep learning. Do not get discouraged. Do not feel low for the relapse, as long as you learn and adapt your behavior.

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Last day PMO - 08/05

Well, I find that I, even after 40 days of sobriety, can't be trusted with triggers when I am alone.
Sometimes I go on the internet with only good intentions, but after a while there I feel like I go into a trance and am no longer in control.

You may need to learn from this.
I set rules like - no tv when home alone, try not to even turn on the computer when home alone, or only visit a certain internet page I need and then get off.

I'm not sure if you need the internet or not, but perhaps restricting it in some way, because addicts cannot be trusted. We have 0 self control.

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Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Hi again guys

Thanks for the replies Cojerc and Determined.

Its hard to find the root of the relap[se, I do something with the most innocent of intentions but it quickly turns bad, such as turning the TV on, or sitting at the computer, sometimes I feel HARM (hungry angry lonely tired) and sometimes I don't. I'll try and cut back on internet use.

So, i've got into the habit of going to bed before 12, eating early etc. Unfortunately due to the size of our home the most sensible place for the TV is in the bedroom, (its a small flat) so the remote lives in another room during the night now, I have also made a number of small changes in my life which I believe help me feel better, little things like, making a pack lunch, planning things on days off, walking to work rather than driving, even just drinking water helps!

I suppose a relapse was inevitable at some point, I really did quit cold turkey and thought I was strong enough to just say no but apparently not, so I guess I need help to 'break the habit' Oh well i'll persevere. Having the missus around at home helps a lot.

Thanks again for the replies, I hope my posts can help others too.

Bigbadwolf

Hi bigbadwolf,

You can replace the tv with any book that you are interested to read. Use internet only for very essential purposes.

As you mentioned hungry, angry, lonely, tired are all the triggers. We should deal each emotions differently.

I tell you it is quite common to get such temptations in the early recovery.

Once i had this perfect situation, i was lonely, i was frustrated of something that did not happen. I got a strong feeling to act out. I immediately called my girl and went out for a walk for one hour. It did help me. When i came back i was fine. I was no longer in the same state. Either if i would have stayed home lonely i would have acted out.

Triggers does not have to be so definite. Most negative emotions are triggers. Because so far we have used PM to escape from all the negative emotions. So use something else (in a healthy way such as walking, doing your interesting hobby) to escape from the negative emotions (triggers).

NEVER BE COMPLACENT. Even if you have reached 60, 90 days keep your guard as high as possible. Good Luck friend. Keep coming back.

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Last day PMO - 08/05