Acted out twice today. First time was this morning stupidly going on my roommates computer so I could use ERP to calm myself down. I am never intentionally going in there again, I will have more than enough cravings to practice doing ERP and calling a friend; I should only practice ERP when I am not in my apartment, since it unwise to imagine myself looking at porn when I could just immediately start looking for real. Then I acted out later in the day when my roommate went out again.
I am really struggling these days; no matter how motivated I get following a meeting, or how inspired I am reading the bible or the SAA greenbook, it wears off as soon as I become triggered. An SAA member called me tonight when he was feeling like going to an inappropriate place in his car, we talked for 20 minutes and he said he was going to go to bed instead. It felt great to help and asked me to call him anytime. I did what absolution said and told him I am very vulnerable in the morning when I wake up, before I can head out for the day. He told me he is wide awake by the time I get up and his work allows him to answer his phone without problem, he said not to think at all that he would be busy or something and that I have no excuse not to call.
This made me feel good: I have 4 SAA members to call and at the very least I can leave a voice message. Every relapse gives me new ideas for making progress and I have two new ones for anyone reading this to comment on.
1. I am making the phone my top priority right now when cravings hit. Instead of doing ERP first, I will pull out my phone and call someone. Then once I am chatting, I can do some breathing and calm down, and I will stay on the phone with the person until I am outside the building, maybe a block or two away. Once I am ready to hang up, I will then do my breathing exercise and remind myself all the benefits of walking away, and then thank God for protecting me from acting out. But at this point, I think the phone is the only thing that can stop me from acting out, I need to hear a human voice in my mind to get me to snap out of the trance I get into when cravings hit.
2. I am going to practice calling people even when I do not feel at risk. If I have even one bad idea in my apartment I will get on the phone. Furthermore, I am promising to everyone here that if I even set foot in my roommates room, for whatever reason, when he is not there I will call an SAA member and tell them that I am in there. If I call someone and then go act out anyway, than so be it, I am not going to promise any period of sobriety. But I am going to promise that entering his room when he is out means I make a phone call, even if I am just going in there to borrow something, close a window etc.
Meanwhile, I need to keep up my routine of prayer and thanking God for the small amounts of sobriety I have. I continue to work on writing out my first step and it feels good, I hope to finish within 2 weeks.