Feed the Right Wolf

Oh you are so not alone wives! Reading some of the stories reminded me of mine. I knew my husband had a porn problem before we got married, but he didn't make it seem like it was a big deal and he assured me that he would never look at it again. It was a couple months after we were married, he confronted me about his ongoing issue. He was on the verge of getting kicked out of school because he had been caught looking at porn so many times on there monitored computers. I felt like my whole world had just fallen out from under me. I felt betrayed, used, cheated and everything else that is possible to feel. He cried and said it would never happen again. Needless to say over the course of the next 5 years it was the story of our lives.... lies and broken promises. I was completely crushed by the lack of trust there was in our relationship. I would have gut feelings that things weren't going right even if I couldn't find any trace of porn. I would ask him how he was doing (lovingly). And he would look me straight in the face and tell me he was doing really good and had no mess ups, only to find out latter that he was lying through his teeth. He would also swear on the heads of our children and everything we hold dear that he would be clean, put to no prevail, he would always mess up again.I love him to death and he is an amazing person, but with two identities. One of the things I hate most is that I feel like I have established two identities too. I have one side of me that would do anything for him and loves him, and the other side that despises and hates what he has done and has put me through. Over the course of these last couple years I have become more educated about the problem. I've learned that there is an actual physical change that happens in there brains, so its impossible for them to "just quite". It is a true addition that they have to really work to gradually get out of. Something else I've learned, that I still struggle with, is that when he looks at porn its not because I'm not good enough or he doesn't love his family enough, its his ADDICTION that over powers him when he's stressed, bored, lonely or what ever. I understand this but its still so hard to cope with, because to me its a direct attack. I compare my body with those he looks at, and believe me after having two kids, its not the same. Something that we have both learned and are still obviously working on is being completely open with each other. He admits to the problem, he wants to change, he NEEDS help...thats a hard one for guys, he's willing to do what ever it takes to get over it, and he has to be honest! I heard from a counselor once that porn addicts are the best liars there are. This last year has been the best yet. He has been clean for most of it. What I have come to discover is that it hurts me more when he outright lies to me and so good that it makes me doubt myself and my evidence, than him looking at the actual porn. So in our relationship we are working on 100% honesty. I told him I KNOW you will mess up again because this is an uphill battle that will take time, I KNOW I will be hurt and I might not want to talk to you for a day, but I will get over it. And, I KNOW that when you come to me and let me know that you are struggling and you are being honest about it, it will build my trust for you, and it will also help you gain the strength to overcome. You have to fight this battle together! Husband and wife need to team up to get this crap out of there lives! Porn has been a huge trial in our lives, but at the same time when we chose to fight it together it draws us closer to one another as husband and wife. Don't give up! It's amazing for me to look back at our progress and see how far we have come..Together. Porn is degrading, fake and filth, it doesn't help anyone. It is crippling and destructive to family units. As women we can make a stand!
-FindingVirtue

Dear Finding Virtue, This is my first post. I have not had the courage to put my experience into words, or if anyone would want listen to me. Thank you so much for posting a message of hope. I see so much change in my husband when he feels I am supportive and in his corner. I also see how much shame and guilt he feels when he sees me struggle. I feel a little nuts sometimes, flip flopping between wanting to hug him and tell him how much I love him to the next day wanting to throw up if he touches me.

If I may ask you a question, how do you handle the fact that your husband lied so much to you. I know his addiction did not lie to me, his addiction doesn’t care about me. HE lied to me. HE deliberately chose to protect his secret life over the honest open relationship he professes to desire more than anything. He made the choice and it is frightening and disheartening to realize this. I stongly feel there is still alot he isn't telling me. I am having a hard time right now with this.
Your friend in the fight, Rita

Hi Rita,

I must say that your husband isn't a healthy person. He isn't free, he hasn't got completely free will. His free will is very limited in the matter of sex. Lying is a result of his sickness. It's a defence mechanism. Who wants other people to know about their horrible, terrifying secrets? Have you informed your husband every time when you saw an attractive man in whose presens you felt sexy, attractive and maybe you behaved so towards the latter that you do not want your husband to know about it? Did you tell your husband about your sexual dreams?

You know when we revert the situation its very difficult to tell somebody, especially a loved one about one's own filthy secrets. One doesn't want to hurt anybody. and the shame. what about it ? Do you want anybody knows about you the worst stuff?

_________________

Rita,
That is a very good question. Porn and dishonesty go hand-in-hand. My husband definitely made those same choices to protect his secret than to be honest with me like he would promise.

After each time I found out he had been messing up and also that he had been lying to me, we would have our heart-to-heart battle. I'd be furious, heartbroken and crying, he would be ashamed, humiliated and crying. I started to separated his true character from his addicted character. I started to understand how much this problem was a true addiction, not just "hey lets look at hot naked girls dancing around". I came to realize that he honestly truly hates that part of himself so much. He hates that he could be over come by temptation. He hates that he has given me scares for life. He hates that he lets himself lie about it so easily.

He has had this addiction for over 20 years, ....that is sad!

Before we were married he would lie to keep himself undetected and, I guess you would say, out of self defense. Then after we were married he would lie because he knew how bad it hurt me when he messed up and he was so ashamed about his addiction. To him it was always easier to lie and pretend it never happened. He wants so bad to be "normal" and lying about his problems is how he coped with it.

Being dishonest has been a HUGE part of his life. Its like he is desensitized to lying and he literally has to PRACTICE telling the truth, I'm so not even joking! The best thing I could start doing was to be more understanding and compassionate when he did start to tell me stuff rather than blow up at him. Being honest has been a HUGE obstacle for him to over come. Its really taken a lot of REMINDING that lying hurts me far worse than porn. Its like trying to rewire his mental wiring. Lying had become his Default mode that we are now changing.

I definitely had my days of real struggle, but I knew that when we had our heart-to-hearts he was telling the truth and he has a true desire to change. I had to BELIEVE in that. I had to change and become the kind of wife that can take the hits and shake them off. It is sooo hard for them to admit to there filthy addictions, but if they can gradually start to tell you about there struggles, without it completely braking you, then you are making progress. It would even help if I would talk about my struggles and more private thoughts with him. Although my secrets don't compare to his, it helps that he knows I am also human and make mistakes. Celebrate the small victories and they will gradually grow bigger.

My counseler suggested I read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, to help me better understand Sexual Addiction. You should read it.

Sorry for the novel, hope it helps.
-FindingVirtue

I have been up and down this road so many times I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

It started before we were married almost 10 years ago. It has been a problem from day one. However, it wasn't really until last year that it started to bother me really bad. I would get anxious when I knew he was using. I would go for runs to be out of the house and to control my own anxiety. He sensed my growing anxiety and said he would move the computer into the living room. That made my life so much better. I knew he would still use when he wanted or when I wasn't home, but it really helped with my anxiety. I started to relax. Fast forward 4 months. He wanted an ipad. My initial response was fear. A device to be portable. He reassured me that it wasn't made for porn. I didn't want to feel like I was controlling his life and knew it was inevitable that he would indeed get the ipad. A month after this things started to get really bad. He was anxious all the time, skittish, angry, pushed people away and wanted to be alone so much. I didn't even want to be around him. Then shortly after he was hitting bottom I caught him. He had purchased a laptop computer just for his addiction. I was shocked, angry, hurt, felt cheated on, lied to, betrayed. He said "it's not like I cheated on you". He doesn't understand that the feeling is the same. After being caught he destroyed the computer. he read on this sight & began being clean. I noticed a few days later how different he had become. He was less angry,anxious, wanted attention & physical contact from family members. He began spending time with the kids and seeing them smile made my heart light up. I knew that the relapse rate is very high. I also know the divorce rate is very high. I saw a counselor to help me & he started his own routine of rewiring his brain. Life was great & I felt at ease. Recovery started the end of Jan.

Mid April little things started setting off my alarm. I can't say it was anything specific. It just seemed like we were regressing. I started getting anxious without knowing exactly why. He made it seem like it was just me and that things had been good for so long, why was I dragging things up now? Why couldn't I just let things go? He told me I didn't know how good I have it. So I started journaling again and thought about calling the counselor again when two things happend. He lied about when he left the house one time leaving time unaccounted for, and I found stuff on the ipad which "you are not suppose to get porn on". I was swarmed with emotions again. First, because he made me feel like I was going crazy and it was all me, second because he lied to me again.

I was ready to leave. We talked again, but I'm still not sure how committed he is to recovery. I told him that I know there are going to be relapses, but I want honesty. He said he just wanted to be supported and not feel like he was being attacked. He said he doesn't want to tell me when he relapses because he says I'll run away again. I feel like we are geting no where. He told me I was being paranoid and that things were much better then they had been. Our emotions are so wrapped up in this and each of us has trouble seeing the other point of view. He thinks it's not a big deal, and mine because it feels like a hugh crack has been made in our marriage and with each lie/relapse the crack gets bigger. I feel like he thinks if he quits then the crack is filled and all is well again. There is so much damage that has been done I don't know if it is possible to keep going.

I love my husband and I know that this thing owns him. I want to help him break free of it, but I don't know how big a hold it has on him. I don't know if it is possible. I don't know if I can keep going on this rollar coaster.

He is trying again and again I feel the smiles on my little ones faces as they have their daddy again. As for me I feel a distance that hasn't been there before. I catch myself thinking that my life is simpler when he's not around. When he is around I'm always worried about leaving the house. I'm even worried when he's in the house. I feel like this addiction has control over me and I don't have any say about it.

How can something that is not even my addition affect me so strongly? How can we get on the path to true recovery and is it even possible?

For the last week I've been journaling to help me with my feelings. I don't know what the next step should be. I want honesty, but I'm not sure he's ready for that yet. And what if I ask for it and only get more lies, that will crush me even more. I would also like a marriage counselor, but don't think he would be open to that either.

Frustrated!