Feed the Right Wolf

You can probably use this to block off the internet except a white-list of "right wolf approved" sites.

http://lifehacker.com/397786/kid+proof- ... teadystate


This is great that you want to help others learn from your experience.


This might not the best solution for this situation. Avoiding dates will make you more of a 'shut-in' and more vulnerable to addiction which is bad for you. Nobody I met was perfect and you are not watching content because you're a misogynist, you are doing it like you said, cause your brain craves dopamine. I suggest you start dating, it would be good for you in the long run, like we all know, we'll always be recovering and we should not put our lives on hold forever.
After dating her for awhile you can tell her that you watch porn x times a week and see how she feels about it.

I think you already think of it partially that way and partially because you are programmed to enjoy sex. Just remember that you cannot expect women to want sex every day and you'll be fine. Work on that as well and be kind to your new girlfriend when you find her.
Wanting to have lots of sex with her is fine as long as you don't force yourself when she is not interested and just go out and do other stuff like work out or meet with friends.

Good luck,

ElbowRoom

I asked at net-nanny if they had a solution and they directed me to that site:



I am not using this stuff myself.

Best of luck, James.

Thanks Elbowroom, I really appreciate you helping me out. Once I get my administrator password (which I keep offsite) I will try out those technologies.

This week just gets worse and worse, as I acted out today masturbating to pictures of girls that looked around 16 or 17. I made no effort to call anyone or do ERP, I have just gotten really lazy and tired lately; I haven't even had breakfast yet. What has happened to my healthy routine? I slept way too late, haven't eaten anything, am not staying hydrated, haven't spoken to anyone today, acted out, and haven't gotten any of the chores done that I need to. Yep, that pretty much sums up the day.

I need to get back to what got me a week of sobriety, which is just feed the right wolf and let the rest take care of itself. Today is not over yet, I have plenty of time to eat right, stay hydrated, get chores done, go to my SAA meeting, work on my first step, work out, and be ready to use the phone if I feel like acting out again. Today won't be perfect--it's too late for that--but I can still make progress.

Another awful day, got no work done at all, had major ADD today and spent hours playing games on the computer, and then masturbating to porn, stopping for a moment, and then finishing up with some images of teenage girls. I started to fantasize about having group sex, and degrading female friends I used to hang out with. I promised myself and God I would just not act out on Easter, and I did anyway. That makes 5 days in a row now, after a week sober. I haven't been making calls, I haven't been working the twelve steps, I've just been really busy recently and haven't found time to do the reading I need to. All this time I have been just adding one more thing to my routine to try and help, but now I am feeling overwhelmed instead. I can get up and pray, and do ERP, and read reasons to quit, and work a step etc. but it all seems too much, it feels like a long list of chores now, rather than be a healthy habit.

I am never making any promise of any period of sobriety to anyone ever again--it's worthless. I am sick of telling the SAA group I won't act out for 24 hours and then not making it even halfway. I am sick of telling God I won't act out and then do it anyway. It hurts even more when I make promises and don't keep them. But I do no longer care about my "last day" phobia I had, where I didn't want my last time to be on a certain day. I don't care what the date is, I will gladly take it if it means long term sobriety.

My copy of answers in the heart should be here soon; I am committed to reading that every morning, let's say starting Thursday morning. That's about the only good news at this point.

You could consider not using the computer for awhile since you mention gaming and web-surfing to be common issues?
You can unplug it and give the power cord to a friend or take out the battery (laptop) and give that to a friend..
Take a three day vacation from the computer.

It is hard to make a rule and follow that rule if there are no consequences if you break the rule.
I suggest you could give up the computer for two days each time you relapse?
The fantasies are likely a result of what you are watching, you are what you eat.

I need the computer to an extent in order to use word processing and other software; I can't really not go on it at all. But I am going to do one of the following things. I emailed K9 about the sites that are going unblocked, if they have a solution, then great! I will also check out some of the programs elbowroom recommended. If nothing works out, I will not be getting internet in my next apartment--simple as that. The places I am looking at now obviously have internet available, but you have to pay for them and set them up, which I just won't do. I need to make sure that the apartment features separate rooms that are individually locked, so that I have no access to anyone else's room. This would obviously be a total pain but it would keep from binging to porn and wasting time browsing the internet, playing games, etc. In addition, I might be moving closer to downtown where there are shops, movie theaters, cafes, and other places where I can go to get out of isolation rather than surf the net. So it wouldn't be all bad.

For now I have been sober today, and it feels good just to get one day in. I am committed to posting every day regardless of what happens; if I do something bad, I will report it, plain and simple. I don't care whether I don't feel like posting it or if I am afraid people will read it and disagree, whatever I do (as it relates to this addiction) is being recorded. This makes sense because God already knows everything I have done; I can't hide my mistakes from him so there's no point in hiding them from anyone else.

Stay positive, James. Keep journaling and keep working. You will get there. Have faith that you can do it. Remember, just one step at a time. Soon that one step will become two steps and so on. You can do it.

_________________
Sobriety date: November 6, 2011
In all you do, remember the end of your life and then you will never sin. Sirach 7:36

Love and time can heal just about anything.

Failure is not an option.

I have learned two new things about me that need improvement.

1. I worry about the past and future too much and not about the present. I cannot dwell on past acting out or on damage I have done to myself in the past; all I can do is move forward. As Jesus said "Go and sin no more." That's all I can do, just move forward and not act out today.

2. I am very nosy and do not respective people's privacy. I have checked my roommates emails to see if he would be gone for a while so I could act out, I snoop through people's things when I stay at their place, I check people's text messages if they leave their phone at my place, I look up people I meet or receive an email from on facebook etc. These are not only unhealthy (and in some cases, dishonest) behaviors, they affect my addiction by reinforcing the false belief that it is harmless to be nosy and overly curious.

My curiosity has caused many of my relapses--I was curious what the new videos would be, or whether a website would have updated their videos and pictures. I need to realize that my curiosity can never be satisfied, that it is impossible to see every video out there, and that there will always be new pornstars and new content the rest of my life. What matters is how I respond to it. I need to remember that seeing a video will never fulfill my curiosity, that within days I will want to see more, that looking at porn has never and will never satisfy my curiosity. Only by abstaining for a prolonged period of time will the cravings and curiosity diminish, that is the only path to serenity.

Reading your posts generates a feeling of sadness at the knowledge that there is no magic pill that could make all the bad aspects of our life, such as fear, rejection, nervousness, go away at once.
You can only struggle and fail, struggle and fail, struggle and succeed, you are not likely to strike a victory so great that you will never fail again, even when you leave your guard down.
Making progress, does not guarantee you will continue to make progress.

There is only one way to win, fighting with your bare hands, fighting with your mind. Waking up excited cause there is a fight out there with your name on it! And it is not waiting for you, it is only there long enough for you to strike if you are ready and willing to show yourself and the world that you own that difference in your life. That you desire to be a better person today.
That you truly are a better person, today.

Just taking it one day at a time right now; I acted out yesterday, but have stayed sober today. I am looking forward to getting a new apartment this fall, but I cannot look that far ahead. Dreaming about the future won't help me today, I can't assume my life will improve just because my living conditions change. Instead, I need to continue to improve my life by eating healthy and staying hydrated, exercising regularly, working hard, being social and improving friendships, and getting closer to God. I don't need to wait until the fall to do these things, I can and will do them today.

The past doesn't matter--not the last thing I looked at, not the pornstars I can't get out of my head, not the most disgusting stuff I viewed--only today matters. By next week, today will be in the past and it will be nice to look back and think that today was actually a good day of recovery.