After a long break, here I am. I managed to stay sober for 49 days. Day 50 is the day that I fell down. It was an MB without using hand. After that, I kept falling down. It has been for 4 days after the day 50, and I'm yet to get on the track.
Today should be day 2, but I slipped again.. Consider as 0 day, than. It is afternoon now. Not the right time for me to scribe. But I'm so tensed.. I hope by writing, it can soothe my emotional pain.Daily Checklist:
ERP or Reviewing Personal Statements of Truth/ Positive Believes
JournalingStrong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
-Broken-heart (hollow).Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:
-I don't have some one (girl) to relate affectionately (Missing). Haven't been communicating with the girl for 2 weeks and 3 days. We had a misunderstanding about 2 weeks and 3 days ago. Back at that time, I accidentally saw a comment on her FB wall from an unknown man. He commented "Honey.. I'm sorry. I love you, dear..". Later, I text her to log-in FB for her own good (not mention about the comment). Eventually, when I went online, I received offline message from her, committing that the guy was her boyfriend. She requested him to end up the relationship since that guy secretly had another girl. In the message also, she clarified that she asked the senior to look upon suitable candidate to be her husband in order to sustain the "purity" of her heart. Well, in our society, some prefer to have romantic relationship after marriage only.. And I understand it when she wrote "to sustain the purity of the heart". For her, I'm too good to be hers (at least, from external POV.. I used to be the president of the club, with good religious persona). That's why she was quite in dilemma to accept me. To cut it short, I replied with a long message to her, that "I'm firm with the decision", that everyone is not perfect thus I can accept her for who she is, yada yada, and I proposed her once again, directly through the FB message. She only replied my message at the end of the day (which I read on the next day), thanking me for understanding her condition, and requested me to communicate with her through the middle-person (another female senior). I respect her request and not communicating with her since that day. But it's painful.. Everyday, I kept remembering her, until today when I see the latest update of her FB, saying that she's in a relationship, it even more painful.
-I'm not worthy to be loved by someone I love [Broken-heart (hollow)]. The girl updated her FB status that she's in a relationship (yesterday). Wonder who's that person. I don't know.. Maybe it's me, maybe other guy.. I have difficulty to contact with the senior (the middle-person). Due to the hollow feeling, slowly I lost control of myself and seek to have quick-pleasure. That's how I ruined the day.
-I'm yet to figure out the good reasons to rationalize the wrong negative believes..How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
Not yet.Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
Watching some part of the lecture by Dr. John Kabat-Zinn, about Mindfulness Stress Reduction Based program. I believe, fragile emotion is the main weakness of myself. I'm too dependent on others for my emotional well-being. That's why I end up to be frustrated for most of the time which in turn lead to the addiction.Things You are Thankful for Today:
That I'm alive. That I'm able to breathe the fresh air. That I have great community to seclude and derive my strength to face back the harsh reality of life. That I'm able to learn promising tool of mindfulness program developed by Dr. John Kabat-Zinn and his colleagues.
"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf