Feed the Right Wolf

Hi destiny,

We are here to help you with any advice .

Regarding the thick liquid at the end of the urination - looks it doesn't seem to be normal. I think this is no way related to the recovery. It's better you get that consulted with an Urologist.

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Last day PMO - 08/05

Yes ask a doctor about it.

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Denial leads to repeated failure

Hi .

After a long break, here I am. I managed to stay sober for 49 days. Day 50 is the day that I fell down. It was an MB without using hand. After that, I kept falling down. It has been for 4 days after the day 50, and I'm yet to get on the track.

Today should be day 2, but I slipped again.. Consider as 0 day, than. It is afternoon now. Not the right time for me to scribe. But I'm so tensed.. I hope by writing, it can soothe my emotional pain.

Daily Checklist:
ERP or Reviewing Personal Statements of Truth/ Positive Believes
Journaling

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:
-Missing.
-Broken-heart (hollow).


Strong Negative Believes that Were Affecting Your Day:

-I don't have some one (girl) to relate affectionately (Missing). Haven't been communicating with the girl for 2 weeks and 3 days. We had a misunderstanding about 2 weeks and 3 days ago. Back at that time, I accidentally saw a comment on her FB wall from an unknown man. He commented "Honey.. I'm sorry. I love you, dear..". Later, I text her to log-in FB for her own good (not mention about the comment). Eventually, when I went online, I received offline message from her, committing that the guy was her boyfriend. She requested him to end up the relationship since that guy secretly had another girl. In the message also, she clarified that she asked the senior to look upon suitable candidate to be her husband in order to sustain the "purity" of her heart. Well, in our society, some prefer to have romantic relationship after marriage only.. And I understand it when she wrote "to sustain the purity of the heart". For her, I'm too good to be hers (at least, from external POV.. I used to be the president of the club, with good religious persona). That's why she was quite in dilemma to accept me. To cut it short, I replied with a long message to her, that "I'm firm with the decision", that everyone is not perfect thus I can accept her for who she is, yada yada, and I proposed her once again, directly through the FB message. She only replied my message at the end of the day (which I read on the next day), thanking me for understanding her condition, and requested me to communicate with her through the middle-person (another female senior). I respect her request and not communicating with her since that day. But it's painful.. Everyday, I kept remembering her, until today when I see the latest update of her FB, saying that she's in a relationship, it even more painful.

-I'm not worthy to be loved by someone I love [Broken-heart (hollow)]. The girl updated her FB status that she's in a relationship (yesterday). Wonder who's that person. I don't know.. Maybe it's me, maybe other guy.. I have difficulty to contact with the senior (the middle-person). Due to the hollow feeling, slowly I lost control of myself and seek to have quick-pleasure. That's how I ruined the day.

-I'm yet to figure out the good reasons to rationalize the wrong negative believes..

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improved your Social Skill today:
Not yet.

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:
Watching some part of the lecture by Dr. John Kabat-Zinn, about Mindfulness Stress Reduction Based program. I believe, fragile emotion is the main weakness of myself. I'm too dependent on others for my emotional well-being. That's why I end up to be frustrated for most of the time which in turn lead to the addiction.

Things You are Thankful for Today:
That I'm alive. That I'm able to breathe the fresh air. That I have great community to seclude and derive my strength to face back the harsh reality of life. That I'm able to learn promising tool of mindfulness program developed by Dr. John Kabat-Zinn and his colleagues.

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"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

Today is Day 2.

Update about Day 1 : Sober .

Daily Checklist:
-Sleep more than 8 hours.

Strong emotion:
-Optimist.
-Missing.

Strong negative believes:
-Same as day 0. What I figure out about myself is, I always on the position to receive. In human relation, it doesn't work-well with that kind interaction. Give more affection to people around you, gradually you'll become the center of affection. Applicable to most of the relationship.

Get out of isolation:
-went to the wisdom class.
-personal talk with my wisdom-teacher.

Positive things I experienced/learned:
-Update something on FB. Then some friends responded positively. Asking what's happening to me. (Well shouldn't be narcissist on FB, but I couldn't help it). There are always some one (friends) who care about me, out of my acknowledgement.
-Read the Mitch Albom's book, Tuesdays With Morrie. A moving quote by Morrie, "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."
-Great affectionate talk with my younger sisters. I love them.

I'm grateful for:
-reading Tuesdays With Morrie.
-have lovely sisters.
-wonderful caring friends.

_________________
"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

Update about Day 2: Sober

Daily checklist:
-Sleep more than 8 hours.

Strong emotions:
-Happy.
-Missing.

Strong negative believes:
-Can't remember any. Maybe almost the same as the day before, but they weren't intense.

Get out of isolation:
-helped mom to cook (had a chat with her as well).
-Went to a book-fair with family.

Positive things I experienced/learned:

-Parents always want the best for their children. I was amazed when mom asked me whether was it possible or not for me to change course in university for my degree. (Owh.. I'm a graduate of diploma). I said, I wish too, but it's too late. I couldn't afford to waste any of my young time for shifting course after course. I prefer to continue with my current course. Even though most of the time (in the past) my parents wants always against my passion, deep-down in my heart, I know they did these because they love me.

-There are universal principles in achieving life-long happiness. I still continue my reading on Tuesdays with Morrie. In one of the meeting between Mitch Albom (the author) and Morrie (his teacher/professor), Morrie said about being present in current moment. What I can relate with our recovery is that we need to be in the present moment. This is co-related as well with my current interest, the mindfulness, and the books Alex mentioned like The Now Habit, as well as the suggested method of Pomodoro technique by one of our friend-in-recovery (sorry I can't remember name). So, one of the principle to achieve happiness is to be present, to live life to the fullest for the current moment.

I'm grateful for:
-having warm-chat with my mom.
-going-out with my family to the bookfair.
-reading Tuesdays with Morrie.

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"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

On the 3rd day, I slipped.

Start over again.

_________________
"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

Why it is so hard to back on track again?????????????? Hate everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_________________
"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf

Let's start again together:-)

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Denial leads to repeated failure

hey destiny, I hope you're doing great.







Thanks for your wishes. I really need them.
Well I am already an Accountant as I have finished my graduation already. This course is something more than just being an accountant. Its like for example, B.sc. Would be like my graduation degree and MBBS doctorate would be equivalent to my CA. So it's more than just being an accountant. Great to know that you're in the same field.

About the Urdu words. Well they weren't actually Urdu. That language was something else.

Anyways,

Heard about your situation with your girl. Situation like yours is so common these days. Girls do this alot of times. They hide their previous relationship while going into another one and simultaneously be in touch with their Ex in case everything gets resolved between them. They keep the new ones as an option and to divert their mind. Then they start having feelings for both of them and end up dumping one. Generally the new one. I have made a rule for myself that I'll never go in a relationship with a girl who has a serious past or who tries to hide their past. They're always complicated. I had a very bad past just because of the same Past thing of Ex. Just because of that single stale relationship now I fear to go into a new one. It's pretty clear from your posts that she doesn't seems to be in touch with you. So I would suggest you to move on.

About your frequent relapses. Well you are certainly lacking somewhere in your recovery, maybe you are going out of focus. Start being frequent back here. See you soon. Take cre.!!





Flit

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If yu're in a hot air balloon, yu hv to burn some fuel every now & then to keep the air heated & stay high in the air. If yu wait until the balloon gets dangerously low, yu hv to burn a ton of fuel to gt bck up to whr yu need to be. - Absolution

Hi Flit . Thanks for your good reply. At least, I feel I have someone to relate with, feel belonged with the community.

I'm so fuckin' fed-up with girls. Failed relationships make me perceive the girls more or less the same as the bitches. Forgive me for the harsh words, it really symbolizes my inner hatred toward them, those fuckin' bitches that played with my heart. Now I believe I'm in the same position as yours, phobia to enter into a new relationship. I forbid myself from having any further romantic relationship except with my (future) wife. For the current relationship, I let it stale.

In someways, it was my mistake too. I turned to the 2nd girl as a way to heal my broken-heart with the first girl. It makes me realize that one should never tie oneself with a temporary goal. One should be committed to the ultimate goal in order to achieve true happiness. In this case, it is the interaction with God.. Life is the medium for us to know, and interact with the Creator. It may sound absurd, but that's the common-point of the major religion, based on my understanding from the readings/listening about Islam (Sufism), Buddhism, Christianity and Judaism. From Him we come, and to Him should we return.

I do regularly come here but was disappointed with no respond from other friends in recovery, except from freshstart and flit. Then I realize, I need a lot of attention and affection.. Damn! That's also only temporary things that I'm seeking after. It is the self-love that I'm lack off.

About the accountancy program, I pretty understand about it flit . The value of an accountant will be higher if he has professional qualification. Wish you the best in your career .

For the current progress, I made it for 3 to 4 days and always have relapse after that period, including today. Need to do homework on how I manage to survive for 50 days.

With then, bye~

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"God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand,rather than to be understood; to love,rather than to be loved." - Alex Wolf