Feed the Right Wolf

Hi, I am 23 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 3 years (3 in June). We have been together for 6 years. High school sweethearts if you will. We got engaged 5 months after graduating high school and moved in together a month later. As the wedding plans were underway, he started acting different. One day he didn't kiss me goodbye for work and it really made me worried as previously that day he had grabbed the bank statement out of my hand before I could look at it and ended up hiding it. So when he left for work, I did some digging. I found the statement with a strange charge on it. So I looked it up. He had signed up for a dating site and was communicating with a woman from Idaho and was telling her that he was planning on moving out to be with her within the next 2 months (our wedding was 3 months away). Then I found the porn and all the documents (songs, poems, etc) he had written about her. I immediately packed up his things and kicked him out. My parents picked him up from work and drove him back to his dads house. After 3 weeks we started talking again. He said he changed and he wanted to be better and to be with me. I believed him. Less than 3 months later, I found out I was pregnant with his child....
We moved back in together and about 2 months later, my bank called me about a strange charge on my card. It was a porn site. He had stolen my debit card and charged a porn site to it!!! I confronted him and he said he was sorry. I found more porn at least 2 more times while I was pregnant. Our daughter was born in May. We got married in June. 2-3 weeks after we got married we had some friends over. I walked into the bedroom to ask him something while they were sitting in the other room and there he was watching it again!
Over the last 2.5 years he has looked at it and downloaded it to his phone many times (and then gave the phone to our toddler to play with!!!) and again looked at it just a couple days before leaving for basic training. He was gone for 6 months during which time he couldn't look at it due to the military. When he came home, he said he had done a lot of thinking while he was gone and that he was different, and that he wasn't going to do anything to risk losing me. Fast foward 4 months. I found more of it, and kicked him out. I was called away for a friend having a baby, so he stayed at the house with our daughter for 5 days. When I got back, he did his song and dance of "i'm sorry, i was stupid, I won't do it again." 3 months later I come home from work to find the computer opened to it again. And again it was found on his phone (he had placed a pass key on the phone that he didn't know i knew) just this last week.
He found this site and told me about it.
Please tell me what else I can do to protect my daughter!! I would kill a man if he ever treated my daughter this way!! I feel so emotionally dead to my husband. I have been for over a year. It seems like whenever my feelings start coming back after being killed by one of his episodes, he does it again!! I can't do this anymore! I don't deserve this and neither does my daughter. I hate the fact that he is addicted and that it is going to happen again. I don't want to find it again!!
Well, that is my story. I hope he changes this time.....

Hi,
I lost my best friend and ex wife because of sex addiction(not porn) but sex and not with other women, only with her.
Every day I wanted to have sex, sometimes five times a day.
Eventually we both felt dissatisfied and slowly the marriage crumbled and we were both hurt.
They say that sex addiction is a joke but they cannot be more wrong.
We all have a clear image of what healthy life is like and sex addiction is not part of it.
Ever since the marriage broke I used porn as a crutch to avoid facing life.
It kept me from dating other women, so I didn't have to compare them to my ex.
It kept me from feeling bored and thinking about the mistakes I've made.

You must realize that your husband is probably not in control when the urge comes.
Even if he wants to stop, he can do only with great courage and dedication.
It is very hard to quit in your 20's when your hormones are at full force.
I cannot give you advice cause I do not know the situation.

But if it is important to him, he should consider some safeguards:

1. Use an 'old school' cellular with no option for downloads or like me disable web access(not reliable because of wireless).
2. Have the computer in a room where he doesn't have access to it + install k9.

I don't know how to magically help, life is not perfect, sometimes it is not good and it is hard to make a wise decision.
More often than not important problems are hard to solve.

Also, there is a difference between dating sites and porn, making plans to be with another woman are different from watching content. At any rate, if this is important to him, he should join and start a journal.

I am not a professional and my advice is from experience.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I feel very one sided in this as people don't talk about it up here or anywhere. Both our families are religious and so that kind of puts up a wall to even talk to them. It is good to hear other people with the same issues and to gain a wider view of it all. The dating site really was a one time thing, so not to worried about that, but if it were to ever happen again, he knows I would be gone with our daughter the same day.
Thanks again!

Hello,
I can say I know what you are going through and I'm very sorry. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now and I'll just say I have seen and heard my fair share of broken promises and lies. He has put our marriage, family, career, and other leadership positions completely on the line to view porn. But through it all he has gradually been making progress. The longest he's gone lately is almost a year, so we are getting up there and I'm very proud of him. Here are some things that have helped us the most:
1- Get yourselves educated about porn addiction. You will learn that it is not something that guys can "Just Quit" no matter how much or even how bad they want to. It is a true addiction that physically changes there brains, like drugs and alcohol addicts. It is a compulsive behavior and they are literally trapped in its grasps.
2- If your husband is at all serious about quitting he needs to admit to his addiction and get on a recovery plan. They NEED help to get out of this trap. I don't know one addict or have even read about one that has gotten out of this without help. Counseling has really helped my husband a lot.
3- Your husband has got to set boundaries for himself and he needs to tell you what his boundaries are so you can hold him accountable. Down grade his phone, put a filter on the computer, we use netnanny, or k9 is good too. Keep the computer out in the open (and it STAYES there at all times.) My husband has a computer at work, so to avoid messing up at work he has chosen to make a list of all the websites he needs to use while there and he cant get on any other sight without me knowing about it because of netnanny. My husband wont even go into a movie store unless I'm with him or even walk by the magazines at the store. Your husband needs to be brutally honest with himself and really make a game plan with you so he can avoid even the possibility of getting tempted to look at porn. This is hard for them to do because its humiliating to admit to so many weaknesses, but at the same time it makes them so much more aware of there surroundings and what to stay away from.
4-Porn addicts are some of the most deceiving liars. My husband has really struggled with honesty because its so much easier to act like nothing has happened then to take responsibility for actions. He knows that when he tells me when he is struggling, even with his thoughts, that it stops the temptation from growing. Just the fact that he tells someone when he starts to struggle helps him shake himself free. And when he doesn't tell me or someone else that he is struggling he falls into a pit of "mess ups" and nothing will get him out except starting to be honest about it again. Believe me I have seen it sooooo many times.
5- Try to be understanding. This was so hard for me because for the longest time I wanted my husband to "just stop". But now after learning the hard way I know he cant "just stop". My expectations and trust in his promises would always get broken. But now we are focusing on honesty rather than never messing up again. You have to be willing to except the fact that he will mess up again, and its going to hurt your feelings, but if you can be the type of wife that he can come to in his time of need and temptations, you will help him sooo much. Then gradually he will start to go longer and longer without messing up until he is above it. Try to understand that because he is an addict it will take time to recover depending on how willing and how much he wants to kick this thing in the butt. If you can be understanding enough so that he feels like he can be truly honest with you, he will not only get out of this mess, but you guys will have such a strong relationship! Trials like these will ether brake you or make you as a couple. Fight this thing together. Life is to short to have this always lingering in your relationship.
6- Pray for strength. I have felt so alone so many times and the one thing that always brought me comfort and piece of mind was praying. I know that I have a Heavenly Father that knows who I am and loves me, and when I felt like I couldn't make it another day with feeling so hurt and betrayed I would pour my heart out in prayer. I know I have received an added measure of strength from this and I encourage you to try it.
These are all things that have really helped us make the most progress, but everyone is different so I hope that I have helped you in even some small way. My heart always goes out to other wives who have gone through this. God be with you!
Your friend in the fight,
-FindingVirtue

Thanks He says he knows he is addicted and has come up with a whole game plan to "get help" but he has yet to start it..... He keeps putting off asking a couple Godly men to keep him accountable by saying he doesn't want to talk about it with me in the room, or that he has a "old email" for one. I have so much doubt about him actually working on it. He is the one who found this site, but has yet to set up an account as he wants to wait till the drama of setting up an intervention for his dad is done. But I feel like even when that is done, there will be another excuse that causes him to hold off. I have started going back to church and I ask him every week if he would please go with me. The strength that God gives is the only thing that has kept me in this family after every hurt. I feel bad. He has seen my post and I keep praying that instead of hurting him more and causing him to go back to the porn, that it will open his eyes to how it is affecting all of us.

You haven't posted for a while. How's things going?
CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Well, things have been ok... I mean, I haven't found anymore from him, but still catching him in lies to me---Even the simplest things, he will lie to me about. I don't get it. I don't know if he thinks I would be disappointed that he hasn't been keeping up with his journal, or that he hasn't been getting things done on the timeline HE sets up, but yet he will lie to be about that stuff getting done. I am so paranoid still. Always wondering when he is alone, what is going on.

Hi hurtinsideagain,
These's no quick answer for any of us with this kind of addiction.
He is lucky to have someone who cares. That puts him way in front.
Keep up the honesty and honest talk with him. I appreciate the
encouragement and support of my wife and just knowing that
she is by my side makes the journey to recovery possible.
I wish you patience and courage and particularly strength.
Sincerely CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Thanks. It is good to know that you guys do appreciate it. Sometimes it feels like I just nag about keeping up with it all, but I just don't want this around us. We have a daughter and I don't want her to accidently see anything at some point!

And it has happened again... in fact twice or maybe even 3 times since I last posted.... We went to marriage counselling and that helped me to get some healing from past offenses, but I don't think he got anything out of it. I'm so frustrated and at my wits end. If he won't even put in the effort to try to work on this addiction then my daughter and I don't have any purpose to stay. He has to choose. That crap or us. And by us, I mean he has to go get addiction help. Like actually meeting with someone who will be right on his ass about staying away from it. If he won't, we are done. I can't, I just can't do it. It is one thing to be trying to change it, but he isn't even trying and that is what hurts the most, and I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there who would support the other better. I'm sure there is a girl out there who wouldn't mind that he looks at that, and i'm sure there are men out there who don't look at it to support me. I'm so tired of all of this.....
End of Rant- sorry guys, but had to get that out.