Feed the Right Wolf

Fantastic work. Keep it up.! I'm proud of you.

CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Well, tomorrow is my day off. And we did get an evening crew, so I'll be working 8 am - 5 pm over the weekend, so 9 hours. That's good. The past couple days I've started to feel a bit more temptation to watch stuff after work. These past couple days I've also felt kind worn out. I doubt that's a coincidence. This morning I saw a woman's catalog with swimwear, and I was tempted to look at it, but instead I put another magazine on top of it so I wouldn't see it when I got home from work.

I really should put that filter back on, because I'm being tempted watch stuff. It's not as strong as it was a couple weeks ago, but it's definitely there. It's pretty stupid of me not to have it on when tomorrow is my day off. I'm not feeling as strong as I was this morning though, and while I have the willpower not to watch anything at the moment, I'm not sure I have the willpower to put the filter back on.

I feel like the urge is getting stronger as I write this post. I've just gotten home from work so I'm just starting to relax and realize that I don't have to get up early tomorrow, that I could stay up later, etc. I'm already fantasizing about watching the videos, and I have all of tomorrow to think about it.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Well, I installed the filter last night and then locked the password again, but in about 15 minutes I uninstalled it...because I had memorized the password. I have too good of a memory. I've already changed the password 3 times because I was starting to memorize it accidentally just from using it a couple times to adjust the settings or take it off temporarily. So...I'm unfiltered again.

I was worried about today, but today turned out very well. I went out around 10 to meet someone to go hiking, and they didn't show up, but I found 3 other people to go hiking with, 1 guy, 2 girls. We hiked up a mountain and then to a mountain pond and they went swimming (not me...I can't swim). Then we did some other things with the afternoon, and then went to an employee dinner that I had forgotten was today. During the employee dinner, my first female trainee vomited on herself and passed out at the table and had to be carried out. Last I heard she was still unconscious on her bed where they laid her.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Well, the rumors of last night turned out to be mostly true today. The reason that she passed out at the employee dinner was because she was drunk. The employee dinner was right after her shift ended, meaning she was drinking at work. I worked on a different station than her today (yes, she did show up), but I had noticed that she did not come to lunch at all at 11 am, and then around 2 pm she disappeared for long periods of time. When it came time to close, I went over to the guy who was working with her, another trainee, and found that the place was trashed and he had no idea how to close because she had not been around for a long time to train him or help him. He also told me that by 2 pm she was obviously drunk, and after 3 pm she was basically gone. I had a meeting with a couple of her friends, the guy trainee, and 2 of the managers, and we discussed what had happened. Nobody had seen her since 3 pm, and by that point it was around 5:30. Someone checked her water bottle. It was filled with wine, presumably stolen from the bar. She finally showed up at the dorms after we had closed. She's only 19. I have no idea if she's going to be there tomorrow, or if she's going to get through the day without getting drunk, or who's going to cover her absence this weekend should she be gone. We were all told to "keep a closer eye on her." Certainly whoever is working with her needs to report it right away if she disappears or seems drunk and someone needs to be at the bar at all times. Ultimately though, she really needs to go to a rehab center. Even if we can keep her sober at work, she's still going to get it some other way, and there are deep issues that she needs to resolve with professional help.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Work. I do not even want to talk about it.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

I can't sleep for anything. I've been laying in bed for well over an hour. I just can't stop thinking about it. I just keep seeing her holding the knife to her wrists over and over again. I can't get it out of my head. She was visibly drunk by 12:30, at which point some managers talked to her, but she continued working. The alcohol really is too easily accesible, and she must have continued drinking, because when I went back to check on her later, she was totally out of it. Again, some managers went back to talk to her, and she was told to leave. Apparently, she didn't leave, and continued working on food prep, with knives. She had also pulled someone else back to help her, when she should not have needed help, leaving one trainee alone running the front station, which should not have been done. A short time later I went back to check on her, and she was at the sink holding the knife over her wrist. Then I watched her being escorted out with blood on her arms and shirt. She is in the hospital now.

I worked 11 1/2 hours today to try and fix everything. A lot of the prep was totally wrong because she was drunk when she made it and had to be remade. A lot of it she had also dumped on the floor. The trainee she had pulled back to help her, she had doing something totally off. My manager switched me from my station to cover her station this weekend, and when I checked out her prep, aside from the stuff that was wrong or on the floor, she was still very behind for this weekend, so I stayed 3 1/2 hours late to try and catch up the prep for tomorrow.

I'm not angry at her for screwing up the prep. I don't really care about that. More than anything, I feel pity for her. I know what it's like to feel like taking your life. I've almost taken my life twice, though I'm quite fine now and have been for a few years. My mom has also tried to commit suicide twice. Seeing her almost do it right in front of my eyes was just too much. I was totally frazzled for the rest of the day. And even now, when I should have gone to bed an hour and a half ago, I just can't stop thinking about it. I keep seeing her holding the knife to her wrists.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Well, she was at work today. By 10 am, she was drunk. She is now booked for a flight home tuesday morning. I actually requested to take her to the airport even though someone else was already assigned to do it. I was granted permission. I actually asked her if she wanted to come home monday night with me after my day of work, and spend the night, and then go for her flight at 5 am, and she agreed.

I really want to believe that I can help her or encourage her in some way before she leaves. I don't want her last memory of working here to be getting kicked out, of failure. I know what it's like to be hopeless and to want to throw your life away, and I just want to believe that somehow by sharing my experiences, perhaps I can get her to open some and express some of what she's feeling, and encourage her, give her some hope. I want her to look back and instead of seeing failure, see love, hope, encouragement.

I have absolutely no worries about anything sexual happening. I have very firm religious beliefs in that area, and it will absolutely not be a problem. This is totally, 100% about helping and encouraging her, and showing her that despite her problems, there are people who still care about her.

I just have to get my parent's permission to have her stay here...

I know it probably sounds like a bad idea given how bad off she is, and that I could make any difference, but I really, truly believe that simply showing friendliness to her and allowing her to hang out with me before she leaves could really help to give her some happiness and hope for a while. This is totally about her.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

And...I have my parent's permission. They were quite agreeable to it. I thought for sure they would be like, "absolutely not." They know who she is...I tell them most of what goes on at work, so it's not like it's just anyone. They know what she's been up to the past few days. Well, that's great. So it's official. She has agreed to stay overnight, I got parental permission, and I have permission to keep the company van overnight, since I have to drive the company van when I take her to the airport because it's "company business." It's all set.

As a side note, there's a couple of bats flapping against my window at the moment. I know, random.

Did I mention I only got 3 hours of sleep last night? Yea...and someone brought in donuts to work in the afternoon. I ate 6 of them...hey, I wanted a sugar high before I drove home. But honestly, with how well I've been doing on sleep recently, I really didn't feel that bad. At any rate, it's time for me to go to bed. I need to catch up on sleep the next two nights before I stay up most of monday night hanging out with my trainee, and then leaving at like 3:30 am to get her to her flight on time, and then going to work at 8 am the same day. At least I have wednesday off. Phew! But the lack of sleep will be worth it if I can make a difference at all in her life.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Last night, she was found with a pile of steak knives stolen from the kitchen cutting herself. She went to the hospital again (the 3rd day in a row). This morning she came to work. They had her work in a different area that wasn't as close to the alcohol, and she was sober the whole day.

My parents revoked their permission for her to come over. Seriously? Why don't you think about something before you give an answer. If you're not sure, then don't say yes. She's unstable as a mudslide and telling her she can come over one day and telling her tomorrow she can't come over is not exactly going to over well in her current condition. The last thing she needs is another disappointment and rejection. Thanks a lot.

Regardless, I'm still going to try to get her out of the dorm for most of the night where we can spend some private time alone talking. Given that it is the last time I'll ever see her, and that there will probably be lots to talk about, we will probably stay up most or all of the night, given how early we will have to leave for her flight. Then I'll go to work almost immediately after getting her to her flight, and work with little or no sleep (which is a sacrifice I am happy to make if the time spent with her helps her at all), and coming home that night I doubt I'll do anything except go to bed immediately, so my next post likely be wednesday, at which point I'll inform you guys how our time together went, if anyone's bothering to follow this story. I know, it's not really related to the subject of this forum, but...I've gotten used to having a place to dump my feelings, so this story made it on here too. It's very important to me.

_________________
When fear knocks, let faith answer the door. -Joel Osteen.

Modesty is sexy.

Last time I self-harmed: 5/13/13
Last time I masturbated: 5/13/13
Last time I watched porn: 5/13/13

Hi Tobefree,

I hope things go OK. Don't they usually admit people for evaluation after they've attempted suicide, especially more than once? I'd think the hospital would want to keep her there for a while.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore