Feed the Right Wolf

Too much cravings. And work pressure. Social Anxiety.

Good things: Dint give in

Bad things: Everything else.

I am just too tired.

Came home for the weekend. Encountered some porn when opened my old laptop. I deleted them. But before that I could not control myself and opened a file. Well even though I closed the next second, it felt I was weak at that particular moment. Well that's it. No more porn. I could do this thing. Stress on certain day can be truly a devil.

I should be starting my prep for the exams. Well lets see whats happens.


Good things: More peace and feel tranquil.

Bad Things: Had a small argument with dad about the way life is going(well its been like this since ever, so nothing new there.)

Started preparing for the exam. Lets see how it goes.


Good things: Positive motivation

Bad things: the stress behind it.

Good luck preparing!

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks absolution.

Becoming too obsessed with the preparation and consequences of the exam instead of actually starting the actual thing. Too much analysing is not going to help me. One thing I noticed is that once I get occupied with these things, I haven't paid attention to porn or other stuff. I just didn't have any cravings today. That's a relief. Phew.

Also, all my ambitions, goals, interests that were there deep inside, and which used to tug at me at times are now trying to overwhelm me(since I started to pay more attention to them). Seems I have been asleep for the most important part of my life. I really hope that its not too late. I guess the Porn watching just nullified all desire to become something that I envisaged as a kid.

Good things: Really obsessed with this test(taking GRE). I have never felt both afraid and eagerness towards any other thing in my life. I don't care if I am going to do well in it or not. I just have to take it and break it.

Bad things: I am not sure if should obsess with the test(about anything of that matter). At times it was kind of overwhelming and too much. Felt like give it up and flee(At least for a moment but I get back on track again)

The metal tension continues(about the exam). I wish I had someone me who is preparing for the exam. It would be supportive. Anyway I am too occupied with this that there are zero craving today too. And I am definitely more receptive to others than I was when I used to PMO. I feel strangely free.

I cant believe I abstained two weeks already.

I wish all of you a pleasant reboot. There is no short cut.


Good things: Positive energy, optimism

Bad things: Fear of getting cravings(strangely which tends to raise the cravings immediately ), Obsession. It feels like I have to be obsessed to something or other at all times. Well better this than porno! right?

Saw some videos on youtube that jump started my cravings. Now even remotely hot videos are stimulating. LOL

Also I was not at all obsessed with any thing today unlike last two days. But the bad thing is there is no preparation that happened today.

Good Things: Feel more at ease.

Bad things: There are times during the day where I rationalized using porn for a moment.

Right after I posted the last post, I relapsed. It was really quick. Its like my mind shut off reasoning. So here I am at the beginning again.

The thing is I turned off porn blocker few days ago since it was blocking everything including google. I guess I really should not have deleted it.



Good things: Sorry we don't talk about that today. I was stammering when talking to some one.

Bad things: Mood swings all day. Feeling really low. The cravings wont go away. They keep coming back.I have to push them off my mind every moment. I am so ashamed.

I was aiming for 30 days damn it.

Ok that was 3 times in three days.. Now I am positively terrified. I know I am doing every thing wrong.

K9 doesn't work. It blocks internet. Every thing. Can any one tell me any thing else that is gud?

I tried reinstalling K9 many times..

I am really gonna restart the reboot.

Don't beat yourself up mate. I have just managed 5 days then relapsed on the 6th. Quitting is hard, I was never prepared for how hard it is. Just be happy that you're making progress. Every day you stay away from p&m is a day you can feel proud of and make good use of. Any other day you give in is just another day like you had before you tried quitting. It doesn't mean you have got worse, or you're not strong enough, it's just that ONE day you got beat. I feel exactly like you right now and reading through the other forum postings on this site I am amazed how similar we all are in our behaviour and problems. We're all together though on this one and we're behind you!!

BTW, my trigger today was walking round IKEA so i know what you mean about barely hot videos and things being triggers.