Feed the Right Wolf

Porn Addiction Forum - It is better to work together!
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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2012 10:05 pm 
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cole2313 wrote:
Hi CSC,

I too have held that resentment and responded in like to the turn downs and (what I thought were) excuses for not giving me what I thought I deserved. By trying to curb my appitite for sex and honoring her requests, I find that sex is more pleasurable. However I still have those feelings for anger and rage that keep me up for hours. My goal is to become more consistent in honoring my wifes wishes and responding in kind. The anger, frustration and acting out has gotten me nothing but a lot less sleep!


For a long time my sex life was one whole. P&M and what sex I could get with my wife. A very basic addiction.
Thinking of porn while with her was my finest achievement. NOT! The wrong Wolf was getting fed even there.
I still see my sex life as one whole and as I must decouple porn from me, I must also decouple porn from us!

What the Wrong Wolf taught me - demanded sex, high frequency sex at my call, never a rejection, extreme sex acts, secrecy.

What the Right Wolf teaches - undemanding sex, moderated frequency as agreed, accept rejection*, loving intimacy, honesty.

*Rejection of sex that is, its never been a rejection of me!

Good conversation Cole. Thanks for the opportunity to put thought to words. That really helps me. Hope its been of some interest to you too.
CSC

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"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 3:22 pm 
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CSC, thank you for sharing. Knowing that I am not the only one who's had that resentment, frustration, expectations, etc.. Having this discussion is helping me out....espcially when I'm arguing with the bad wolf!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 3:43 pm 
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Peter7105 wrote:
I tell you there is nothing more beautiful than a couple enjoying each others company and growing old together.
Making love is supposed to cement the relationship not 'defile' it.

My wife and I sometimes get up a bit earlier to make time for it, or we first have some fun then go out for the night.
I do small things for her, like send a message to tell her I love her, or make her some coffee in bed with her favorite biscuit.
Flowers now and then, hold her hand, hold her tightly before falling asleep. I tell her she is beautiful, hot and sexy.
You know, love, kindness and to be considerate towards your mate will always be rewarded.
Then you also have true expressions of intimacy.
.....
My wife is a wonderful human being. She is not my slave, she is more than worthy to be treated like a, hmmmm queen.
I am not going to follow the course of other men that think sex is the answer to life, that sex is everything, that women are objects.
That cycle that came from my father and fathers father ends with me. I will not be like those men.

I always think about what people would say at my funeral. Would my wife say, "What a wonderful caring husband", or would she say, "Why did it take so long" lol. Do I want good friends around speaking well of me, or women spitting on my grave.

You can fix your relationship with your wife. Its not beyond repair.
Try some acts of kindness and focus less on the sex. You will see that she will 'want' to have some fun with you :D :D

Peter


Hi Peter...I feel the same way as you do about your wife. She is the most important person in the world to me. Since I started addressing this addiction, I have been trying to step up my appreciation for her in recognizing all the little things that she does to make me feel special. I've been purchasing flowers for no reason, trying to do things I use to expect to be done, asking her out on dates and so on. I can't believe I let myself get to that point where I was so ignorant about my thoughts and actions.

I have started to read 'You are not your brain'. It is hitting home and I can't wait to get to the time where I understand all 4 steps and am able to exercise the practices. You have suggested a couple of other books I will read once I've gotten through this one. Maybe it would be a good idea to start a sticky thread in the general forum called something like 'additional reading' that lists books people such as yourself would recommend?

Cole

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 6:21 pm 
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It's been a good week. Small urges that I was able to manage and work through. Although I'm coming into the worst time of the week...Friday afternoon when my focus and determination wane a little. I'll come back and post later this afternoon, if I start feeling weak.

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 7:36 pm 
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I hear you about Fridays buddy.
I find it's when I start feeling really good that I am the most susceptible.
That's the best time to come back here, really brings me back down to earth.
Good for you for recognizing that.
Keep it up.

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Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 9:01 pm 
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Thanks for posting Determined! I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who finds Fridays to be so challenging. I've almost made it thorugh the day. I'm looking forward to posting on Monday that I'm 3 days further into sobreity.

Have a good weekend all!

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2012 5:54 am 
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Hi Cole,
The wife slept through our 'date' this week. Too sleepy to pay much attention to me I felt.
I am trying not to get resentful cos that will lead me back to acting out.
We had a great night the next night which sort of made up for it.
Only problem is I have a residual sexual frustration now that is driving me nuts.
I have such a long way to being truly free of this addiction. I think freedom from a
sex addiction is only the beginning. I need to be free from my own sexuality.
I need to tame the Right Wolf too! I can see no other way forward.

Hope you are well and off to do great thing.....
CSC

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"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:17 pm 
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Hi CSC,

Just remember that you are in charge of your own actions and you've done really well so far; keep moving forward!

Your friend,
Absolution.

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 1:27 pm 
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CSC...I had a similar experience this weekend. Saturday night, it was a nice relief to a long week. However now I'm geared up and ready for more. She's all done cause we filled the quota as I think of it. I'm concerned this week is going to be tough. I didn't wake up with any urges. However, I can feel them coming.

I understand you wanting to address your sexual desires. If I could only be grateful for what I have and not desire so much more. This addiction isn't easily cured. Damn bad wolf!

Stay strong my friend. I'm pulling for you. Hit me back if your getting low. I'll do the same. Let's try to get through this together.

Cole

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 Post subject: Re: Cole's Journal
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 8:32 pm 
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So the urge is sitting just below the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness to take over. I am very tired from the weekend and am feeling that I can barely hold on to staying sober. I've only been sober for 18 + days. I don't want to give in and have to start all over again. Thus I'm here posting.

Reasons I don't want to fall:
I don't want to let my wife down
I don't want to hurt my family
I don't want the guilt
I don't want to wonder why
I don't want to walk away unstatisfied
I don't want to come back here and explain that I failed.
I don't want the urges any more

Going to read updates to journals from the weekend to strengthen my resolve.

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