Feed the Right Wolf

AND THE APPLAUSE IS DEAFENING!

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

I love your quote at the bottom if your signature csc!!!

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Great attitude!

I just do not understand what is going on here, all I know is that it causes unbelievable hurt.

Yesterday my husband was away working and I was home alone cleaning the house. The topic came up of us having sex later, both of us wanted to. The plan of doing something new was brought up by me, my husband gave some ideas and we decided on one. I wanted something new because I would like variety for one thing and my husband obviously loves his porn so thought it would show him and let him figure out as well that I am not some prude, I will do different things and I do enjoy them, he dosent just have to get them from porn.

So I cleaned our room totally, got myself ready, we made a plan that he would do a bit of the recovery nation workbook, watch a movie with the kids and then it would be our time. Well the movie ended at about 11pm and then we went to bed. We started a little bit of touching nothing major And then he fell asleep on me. I had been looking forward to this all day. We actually made a plan for some time for just us and he fell asleep on me again. I understand things happen but this happens a lot, when we have a plan to be together, when we are talking, when I need reassurance and comfort. I have asked him numerous times that if he gets too tired to do what he
Committs to then please say just that before you fall asleep on me and we can reschedule but don't say nothing and just fall asleep on me. I feel rejected, I feel not good enough, I feel like I am not important and always come last, it really hurts me a lot. Part of it stems from him and his p&m, he would fall asleep on me all the time because he had already satisfied himself with the p&m earlier in the day and didn't need me. He did reject me because of the p&m and fell asleep on me or made it very clear that he was not interested and just wanted to sleep. He does not understand why I was so upset
That he fell asleep on me last night, he just doe not get it nor do I think he wants to because this is not the first time since he stopped the p&m that this has happened. My
Mind starts wondering why are you so tired its not even that late, why don't you want to be with me when you said you did, why are you not making me or our plans important, did you look at porn again? This must be another trigger for me just like him being home alone, seeing adult channel listings on our tv, porn mags in stores, any real nakedness at all that I know he sees, when he is on the computer and when he shuts down and stops talking to me. All of these things upset me now and put me into a state of panic, he does not understand that though.

It was very hurtful last night because I was looking forward to our time together most of the day and I wanted to make sure our room was clean and that I prepared myself as well clean, shaved and smelling good. Didn't make a difference at all.

Makes me sad,

Cappy

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Cappy, Thought I'd pop by to see how you were going....obviously not that well.....

This time you are I are on the same page. I actually HAVE experienced EXACTLY the same thing.
I know precisely how you feel. My wife has done that to me so many times I just can't count.
Lying there with her off to sleep and me 'all ready' In total disbeliefI would just look at her sleeping there for ages.
Your emotions go through anticipation, expectation, disappointment, confusion, annoyance, anger, self doubt, and resentment.

You had gone to so much effort to prepare. You made it so special a time and even had his agreement. You problem is EXACTLY
the same as mine. You BOTH have to make those times a priority. Watching TV till 11pm is not making it a priority. I found that
shooting off to bed at 8.30 or 9.00pm with a cocktail or some chocolates, some candles and mood music does the trick.
You then that 2 hours until he falls asleep.

It may be just me, but you have hinted that in your preparation you were to some degree cooperating with this like for porn.
I am not sure what that was you were doing or going to do, but I feel you shouldn't use porn to bring him back.
You are a strong woman and I am sure you have an attractive personality and have an "allure" about yourself.
Your own "signature" if you like. Be yourself Cappy. He needs to learn that being real with you is far better than anything he can do by himself.
YOU and PORN are not substitutable. Even if he thinks he can. OF If he tells you he can.

After years of this sort of thing I had resolved that I was actually totally worthless.

She did not "need" me for anything apart from being a wallet and a house mate. I was totally demoralised.
But its in her hands now. I have given up. I have nowhere else to go. It was a major
reason for me to turn to self satisfaction and porn and if I had continued along that path, ultimately leaving her. I am not going that way.
I am not going back to the old ways and so here I am.

I have discovered, probably unlike your situation, that can trust my wife and she does love and care for me.

I don't have any suggestions today, but I'd buy for a bunch of flowers and have a cry with you
'cos on this one..I know where it hurts too.

My solution: (and its probably not going to be yours) is total acceptance. No resentment. Patience and I have to trust her that
somewhere in the process we will get intimate frequently enough.

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Hi csc,

I think I maybe didn't explain myself clearly when I said that he can get thińgs from me not just the porn. I am not trying to compete with it because I know I AM better than it, I am real for one thing and I love him for another. I touch back, my excitement and pleasure is real, I am real. He does not get love back from porn or anyone touching him (well I guess himself), he is not sharing anything with anyone, it's not real. It fake bs, those women don't want him, they aren't that excited or horny it is make believe, those men do not stay hard for hours, they are not enjoying themselves.

What I meant was that I like to have fun too, I like to explore and experiment and feel good. I am not a strictly missionary on my back girl and never have been. In his selfish behavior for so many years I lost my sexuality because of him. I had no one to have fun with or connect with on that level. We never explored each other and were never lost in each other and how good we make each other feel. I missed out on that, he robbed me of that for my whole sexual life. There was never any anticipation or build up. I have never known what it feels like to have my husband want me or that it's me that gets him going. It's always been ok if I have to so lets hurry up and get it over with. I missed out of some great amazing healthy things and I want them now, I want to start reclaiming what I lost to him and his selfishness and I hoped that he would want to be a part of it and that it would be just as important to him too as he lost out on many of his best sexual years by wasting his time and energy on something that was nothing but fake. I do not think that everything shown in porn is bad and have always wanted to do some things that just happen to be in porn as well. I need to feel wanted and desired, I need to know that my husband gets excited by me and wants to be with me, every woman wants that and I have never had that. I am being selfish now, I deserve to have a say in my life including my sexual life. I have missed out on so much and it makes me angry and sad that he took that away from me. It actually flat out pisses me off to be honest. Why did he ever think that he had the right to control that about me, my wants, my needs, my confidence, my self esteem and my sexuality. He had no right!!!! If he wanted to jack off and watch porn instead so be it, it's his choice but he should have told me so I could choose what was right for me. I got no choice and even now he is playing with me and not
Considering me at all. I don't know does he need a dose of his own medicine? Should I masturbate myself instead of be with him? Should I make plans and set aside time to be with him and then fall asleep on him or make it unimportant when the time comes
To be together? Should I let him get excited, make plans and preparations and then just disregard them? You know what that would never happen because he would never make plans, preparations or set aside time at all, he would never do those things for me and never has.

I think what hurts the most is that he does not even have the common courtesay to say I'm tired, I'm sorry, I don't want to let you down but I want to enjoy this with you and I did not know I would be this tired so can we postpone until tomorrow night or something along those lines. He would rather say nothing and fall asleep on me and leave me hanging like some unimportant pain in the ass. Or maybe he should have just said lets go to bed earlier to ensure he didn't fall asleep on me if he wanted to be with me as well. I don't understand how he can not see doing that to me as nothing really, he says he's not rejecting me, he does want to be with me and that he's sorry. Well it is rejection, he is putting me last like normal, it dosent seem like he wants to be with me at all and you can't
Keep saying sorry a million times for the same mistake. You are supposed to learn from your mistakes
Especially when it hurts someone you are supposed to love. It is also just a matter or respect, he can't make time for me or make me a priority but he always could with his porn. Makes me sick. He thinks its no big deal and his reason is that he didn't mean to fall asleep
So that's supposed to be ok. Well it's not damn ok. Not only does it hurt like hell when he does that but it also reminds me of how my life was when he was using the p&m way
More than me. It reminds me that he wanted that more, he
Made time for that, he wasted his energy and time on that instead of me, he liked that more than me and makes me think that nothing is changing at all.

It just sucks so much and makes me feel like total worthless
Crap.

Cappy

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

I also made sure we had wine and music too.

You are exactly right csc explaining the emotions that I went through, all of them exactly. I do feel worthless, I do feel unimportant and I do feel like I'm just not good enough. He does not understand why I feel this way and honestly dosent even try to see my point of view. The stress involved in this is out of control, I couldn't even eat properly at dinner tonight, I dropped my food in the floor twice and finally just gave up on eating because I was so frustrated with this whole situation. It is very very hard for me.

You are right when you say I will not accept this though, eventually I will just have had enough of this selfishness and utter lack of consideration.

Let's hope I can sleep tonight.

Cappy

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

You hit a nerve there Cappy. I can only fight that kind of resentment by giving in. I have no other choice, but I know she is not doing it because she doesn't care for me.
I am writing this just in case you can't sleep.

You are not worthless. You never have been. You are only worthless if you accept that verdict. I really admire your openness. I don't accept it of you. You are not the one doing wrong doing wrong here. You are doing a wonderful job as his partner. As in my poem...No blame, can she attach!

Have you discussed this with him?

My solution was a "regular weekly date". We both plan for it, make a special effort. I lower my expectations during the week and she can be relaxed that I won't be 'pestering her'. Then the day comes and I can get excited about it without fear of it passing (well most of the time.) I really look forward to those day. They are more important to than she understands.

I do wish you well, Cappy. Keep strong.

PS I sense you and he are not getting to the cause of the problem. Is it his selfishness, lack of love for you,? Is he just lost in porn land? or just self conceited? I'd be working on the core issue cos the peripheral issues won't really improve until you and he resolve some of the core issues.

CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012

Hi CSC,

I still feel sorry for you and still think your wife has a problem as well if she has no desire for affection, giving or receiving. It just does not seem right at all and unhealthy for her too.

I couldn't sleep and then when I finally did fall asleep I just had nightmares anyhow, this is exhausting in so many ways!!!

I am trying not to accept the worthless verdict, I am trying very hard but it does creep in there for sure.

I have discussed this with him many many times, just a little consideration please is all I am asking for here. He always says he understands and will be more considerate and is for a couple times and then it goes out the door again. I just do not understand even this simple thing, you know it hurts me so stop F**cking doing it!!! What is his problem? Never mind the porn he is just plain selfish about everything almost and is incapable of thinking of anyone but himself I think. Why does he want to hurt me? He does not do a damn thing to avoid hurting me. He does nothing for me, nothing nice at all. The nicest thing he does for me is bring me a Starbucks once or twice a week, partly I think because he wants one too. It's my birthday soon and I have always planned it because he won't, he leaves my own birthday up to me, nice hey? I am not having my party this year that I always plan myself pretty much as my son has a baseball tournament out of town, everyone is asking me what I am doing, I don't even care at all about it this year and I really wish someone would do something for me for once. I hate it, its always me doing everything for everyone else all the time and I am tired of it. Especially my husband, he does nothing for me except take things my trust, my love, my energy, my respect, my heart, my life, and has given nothing back, even now he still dosen't since he has been caught, it's just take take take, treat Cap like shit and she will get over it. Why go out of my way for her? It's easier not to and I don't want to make her happy anyways, it's not a priority to me, I don't really care, she's not important and I don't want her anyhow. That is what my life is like and has always been like now that I know what has been going on my whole life since I was 17 years old, since I gave my life to someone else to share and was stomped on and put last out of selfishness. It digusts me and makes me so angry.

He brought up the idea of a date night every week himself, never happened. I have had enough of plans made by me and him, even ones we agree on together and nothing coming from them at all. I do my part and he never does his part ever!!!! I am in a marriage by myself. I am his buddy, we can watch hockey together, drink beer, drive our kids around, talk about the weather and that's about it. This is as indepth as our relationship is because of him, we are friends with occasional benefits (and even that is because I have to fight with him because he wants p&m instead) and that is not what I ever signed up for.

I have no idea what the cause of the problem is. He says he liked it and was gettting the intimacy he wanted with no risk to himself. He says he knew it was wrong and not fair to me and that it was wrecking our marriage but couldn't stop. He never tried to stop ever in twenty years so how can he even say that? He never even tried ever!!!! Why not?

Headache from hell and I really don't know if I can do this anymore.

Today I just feel as though I hate him, hate him for doing this to me and my kids and that he is just a sick F**K. I am very very angry today.

Cappy

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

I think you need some time out for you.

Book yourself into a day spa for a massage and facial
Take your girlfriends to the movies and a coffee.
No talk about hubby while you are there.
Take a deep breath.
Smile.


PS please don't get really angry, you will only hurt yourself
regardless of external influences,
stay cool (hard Yes!) but your peace is something you should not let get stolen.

CSC

_________________
Kind regards, CSC

"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path. (Andre Gide)"

Been a NEW MAN since: April 16, 2012