Feed the Right Wolf

I keep finding hookup sites in the cookies of my husband's computer but he swears over and over he never visited the sites. Please please please tell me if there is a way for the cookies to get there without him going to the site because any research I've done says he's lying, thank you!

Do you think this is a good idea? Stalking him and watching his every step on the Internet doesn't look like good solution, I think it can make things even worse, he can feel under pressure. I'm sure there are some better solutions of his problem.

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There is no failure, just feedback and learning process.

So I just let it continue to happen? Your reply offended me big time, I asked a simple question, not whether me monitoring his computer activity (which IS needed) is up for debate. If you can't answer the question, please dont respond again. I'm not trying to offend you, but I'm gathering all of the tact I can manage to ask you to not tell me what I'm doing is wrong, because it isn't. If your partner lied to you for years, would you just let them continue to do whatever they wanted because you didn't care? Or would youtry and help them but also realize the lies that an addict can say and decide if they deserved your support? Or would you say forget it and not even try? I'll stop for now because you really seemed to push my temper button.

I'm with u falling and I would like to know the answer as well. If a window pops up for a dating or chat site does the computer record it without u actually going to the site? I have a bunch as well on my computer but my husband says they are pop ups while on another site. Is this true?

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Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Exactly! I want to believe him with all of my heart, but it doesn't make sense. Also, ihookup has even been assigning him a username and the only reason I believe it's not him is because its happened multiple times with that site and every time they email him it's the first part of his email with some random numbers behind it. At least I hope I'm right!

...I am torn on responding to this type of post.

I do not want to contribute to any sort of unhealthy behavior.
I do not want to lead someone in the wrong direction.
I do not want to contribute to suspicion or blame.
I do not want there to be assumptions that simply because one person has an experience, that that automatically means that is the number one rule and therefor the other parties' partners are lieing/telling the truth. It really is not that black and white and all the answers to the questions you are seeking ultimately MUST be found in yourselves and from your partners.

That being said, here is my personal experience and technical knowledge:

Hookup and pornography sites WILL send out mass emails, email after email, and even have them personalized. To see emails from sex sites, dating sites, etc. does not mean anything at all.

Pop-ups 99.9% of the time show up differently in a computer's history and in it's cookies than a website address will show up. For example. A pop-up from prettylilacs will NOT show up as prettylilacs.com. You can easily test this for yourself by looking for sites that offer pop-ups and then checking how those types of web coding show up in your history. I recommend doing this for yourself if not for anything but to extend technical knowledge.

If there are pop-ups found in the history that are extremely explicit- those can only come from pornography related sites. There are exceptions of course in the form of viruses, but it is rare. If it is just a moderately sexual pop-up, then it could have come from anywhere.

If you have currently reoccurring sexual websites in your computer's cookies and in your computer's website, then someone is going there.

FallingApart- why do you not install a keylogger on your computer? This does not have to be a secret kept from your husband- you can tell him you will be doing this to assist in both of your journeys of recovery. If you install one that is secure, there will be no issues going forward as to "did he or didn't he". Keyloggers can be invaluable tools to both parties.

I would also suggest that you install a computer filter. Telling your husband that if they are pop-ups and all is as he says, that it will "prevent those types of "pop-ups" from occurring." not only protecting his journey of sobriety but also your computer data and personal files. If your husband objects to this, especially with unreasonable defensiveness, deflection or anger then you should be weary and look to continue the conversation without enabling or downplaying your feelings.

My personal two cents.

Calm down... I didn't want to insult you, it just seemed too "weird" to me. I didn't say your solution is bad, I just said there surely are any.

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There is no failure, just feedback and learning process.

Thank you pickle for your reply. We have done the keylogger before and nothing ever came up on it so I took it off because I didn't want him to feel spied on all of the time. I've decided unless something proves me wrong I'm going to give him my trust because he's also smart enough to delete cookies if he knew they were there. If I'm proven wrong, fine, but I'm not ready to give up yet so I guess I'll take another chance. Thanks again!

Great!

I think this can be a good approach, using your own judgement if your relationship is at a place where this is possible and deserved. It's a very hard fine line to walk, knowing when and how to trust while simultaneously not downplaying your own feelings, intuition or smarts. Good luck and just remember to take care of yourself and that your feelings, intuitions, clarity and beliefs are equally important as your partners.

Also, don't be too bothered by responses that offend you. There are many people here that are not only on your side but understand where you are coming from. There are also people who do not have the same knowledge, insight or simply the same experience that may not understand. This does not invalidate you. The internet is full of disconnects and miscommunication.

Good luck and feel free to post at any time

Thanks again, and I know I shouldn't let other people offend me, that's why I quit typing before I got rude