Feed the Right Wolf

Right now, when I go to bed, I struggle to choose sleep over reading word porn on the internet. And when I wake up in the morning, it feels like the first thing I start craving. My addiction hasn't always been this bad, and I haven't always had these intense cravings. I keep telling myself, cravings eventually pass.

So I've been coming here and skimming through everybody else's stories. If I am reading your journal entry, I am not reading porn. I am 6 days sober, and if you have posted something in the past few days, it has probably helped me fight my addiction. Thanks.

I want more sleep, and less destructive behavior.

Without this addiction, I'd be healthier and I'd sleep more. I wouldn't be late for everything, because my eyes wouldn't be glued to a screen and I would have enough time to get myself dressed, fed, and prepared for my day. And I wouldn't have to apologize for cancelling plans with friends or ignoring my phone because I was feeling like crap and decided to feed my addiction and isolate myself instead of being around people.

With all of my new free time, I could clean my house. I could read my pile of books. I could learn a new language. I could study more seriously for the GRE and I could work on my job applications like I really want to.

I will keep fighting, because this is for me.

I'm a strong person with lots of things to be proud of. You are too, right?

Hey k239, great to see you posting here

I can't say that i've had any experiences with word porn, but that's not this issue, I'm an addict like you, we both "get off on porn for our personal pleasure".

Firstly, 6 days is a great achievement, you should be proud
I too regret looking at porn rather than sleeping because it usually sets me up for a bad day the "morning after".


Thats statement is 100% true. I don't have a link, but somewhere on this site Alex has a graph of cravings. Basically the craving is a bell shape- it starts small, keeps getting worse, reaches its peak, then starts to decline, eventually going away. I know its easier said than done but cravings can be beaten. Try to occupy yourself with an activity, or try ERP (Exposure Response Practice).

Good work so far, keep coming back and posting we are listening

_________________
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Sober since: 19th May, 2013

Welcome, K. I'm glad you found this forum and had the courage to post here.


This is incredibly powerful, I love it. It's a great way to look at things; people in SAA say the same thing about meetings... that if they are in a meeting for an hour, that's an hour that they're sober.

Keep coming back and posting.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks you guys, it's great to read your support. Over the weekend I went indoor rock climbing with a friend--it was really great. I'm still a bit sore in my shoulders, but I started doing some exercise at home to keep myself busier.

It's hard to keep a reign on the brain, but I'm trying. I'm not free of the thoughts, but I haven't been back to the old haunts. Today has been a bit of an extra struggle, because my first milestone had been 7 days, and there was that little voice saying, it's okay to go back to it. Nobody else knows anyway. (But I know! And I'm mortified to think about if anyone else finds out.)

I'm a bit stressed about my future, and I think that plays into the escape desire. Plus, I'm far away from most of my friends again and a lot of the time either I'm alone, or nobody is really holding me accountable for my attention. Plus, the internet is everywhere, and it's easy to be overlooked.

Somebody's signature on here says something like "I will not be a slave to my past" and I really like that. The person I want to be is productive, and friendly, and happy, and free. And I'm (slowly) getting there.

Today, I fed the wrong wolf.

Here's to day 1, again.

It helps, knowing that I'm not alone here. I've tried to kick the habit for several years, with limited success, and knowing that somebody else knows this addiction helps. I tried to tell a counselor about it in the past, but I was really embarrassed about it and tried to downplay it as much as possible (so I didn't get so much help on it, I think). I've skirted around telling people by saying it's an 'internet addiction', or a trashy romance novel addiction, when it's really much, much worse. I've tried to be honest, at least with myself, about being an addict, even if it's a little ironic because being an addict has made me incredibly secretive. If there is one thing that I know how to do really well, it's how to clear my browser history.

Anyway, I'm off to try and feed the right wolf. Exercise, or something, to try and put the laptop and the shame away.

That's what its all about, moving forward and never giving up!

_________________
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Sober since: 19th May, 2013

Well, I think I hit an emotional low for the past week, because I acted out, and relapsed pretty bad. I'm trying to reclaim my motivation for getting rid of this addiction, instead of trying to justify it.

*focus on what you want to do with your new free time
*breathe

There's the line between healthy and unhealthy sexuality, and when I really let my addiction escalate to this sort of escaping, coping mechanism, it eats my life. I want my life back.

I still find it really hard to redirect my thoughts. I want to be more present in my conversations and surroundings, instead of daydreaming away.

I like reading people's advice. Like looking at the three circles (inner - bad behaviors to avoid, outer - good behaviors to praise, middle - grey area behaviors to forgive yourself because you're human and move on). Or, somebody else said to first try controlling your actions, not your thoughts. And I like the inspirational things people put in their signatures. They're nice reminders.

I am thankful that I am so lucky in life. I randomly read a couple of 'wishes' on the make-a-wish foundation and I think it's really admirable what they're doing. Some of their donors were kids who used their wish to give back. There are many things like this that I would like to support. Instead of my addiction. I just need to keep remembering that, and reminding myself that. Because I am a strong person.

Hi k,
I am the guy who won't be a slave to my past. I am up late doing work instead of porn. Isn't that cool. You need to react quickly to take off the computer when the urges come along. The urges can be strong but they do not last long if you don't let them.
I hope this helps.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

Hello,

My husband is addicted to porn in general and I think it is very brave and courageous of you to even take the steps to change and to post on here. My husband still will not do either and I think he is still in denial. Sometimes everyone needs help and this is a great place to get just that. There are inspiring stories and also heart breaking stories of those lives affected by this monster of porn.

You can do this and you have taken steps in the right direction already.

Believe in yourself and know that you can and are able to overcome this.

Your life will be so much more if you stick to the hard work and accept help.

Best of luck to you!!!

_________________
Good sex begins when your clothes are still on. --William Masters & Virginia Johnson

Cappy

Eadeca, thank you for your support. I hope you find a way to come to an understanding with your husband-- it seems like you have had a very long journey, and that maybe you are only at the beginning of another one.

dpacrepentance, your post really did help me. That day, I had been browsing the internet and fighting the craving to act out, and just when I had decided, 'it's been a week of me acting out anyway, I'll start my sobriety again tomorrow', I stopped by here and saw your post. And I shut my computer off. And I did other things. I re-painted my room. I texted some friends. I cooked.

Your post made me so glad that I came here before I acted out again. My cravings have subsided, and I had some free time, so I finally get to say thank you for your support. It really means a lot, and it has helped me get to day 4 once again.