Feed the Right Wolf

80 days without going on a porn site.
I really don't see the point of me staying in this forum anymore. I have really convinced myself that any form of porn is bad for me. I have the tools to stay sober for the rest of my life. I have given all the advice I know how to give. I am going to work on how to not waste so much time on the internet. By the way, surfing the internet for stuff is not a healthy way for a porn addict to utilize time. The amount of crap I looked at in just under an hour, it is so amazing. It is a wonder I haven't gone on a porn site as yet.
I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.
Good luck to all of you!!!

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I will cease being a slave to my past.

Hey Dpac,

I'm new, and haven't read all of your journal entries, but I'd just like to congratulate you on getting as far as you have. It sounds like you've gotten to a place in your life where you can consider yourself not cured (I guess we'll never be cured), but recovered. That's an awesome place to be. I hope I'll be there soon.

Best of luck in this new chapter of yours.

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Fall seven times; get up eight. Mathematically it doesn't hold up, but still, good advice.

dpa, we need to have success stories here.
Please don't go. Help the others that need to hear how you doing.
What tools you using and what has helped you!
Peter

Dpacrepentance...congratulations on your achivements. It's great to have you on this forum as a success story to give others such as myself hope that we can recover from this sickness. Even if you don't post in your journal, it's great to have your posts of advice and expereince to help give guidance. I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm sure many will agree with my sentiments.

Cole

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

3 months and counting,
Hi you guys. I didn't think that you cared that much for advice from an old guy. We old guys get kinda lonely too. I figured that no one was taking me on so I thought that the less time I spend on the internet is better since I waste so much time here. My greatest challenge is Fridays when my daughter goes partying with friends. I stay up late and worry and end up on the internet by myself. Last night I slept. Guess what? She didn't even reach home this time. One night she came home pissing drunk. Now this. I am going to have a serious talk with her about this. If she is going to continue like this she might as well pay rent. She does not even help us out much.
I still get tempted and look at thumbnails. When I do I switch off the computer. The reaction to switch off the computer when tempted is a best tool. After being tempted like this I do at least a half an hour of praying, meditating, or at least looking at a clean movie. I still don't like the wet dream thing and sometimes I have to sleep with my daughters because they are scared or whatever. Imagine having to sleep next to your daughter and having a wet dream, then having to explain to her what it is. I had a nocturnal emission once (wet dream) while sleeping with one of my daughters. I was lucky that she did not wake up and noticed when I changed my pants. By the way I have four daughters of all different ages. And I have a beautiful wife. No body would believe me if I told them that I have a problem with porn addiction. This goes to show that anybody can have this weakness, so kill the stereotype of the lonely pervert. My best advice is that porn is a weakness. Accept it and deal with it. Can you tell a one legged man that he is healed and not to use his crutch? You must first accept that you have one leg and then do the best you can with all the tools available.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

Over three months,
I thought I did not have anything else to say but I now that the porn and anger is over, I have been experiencing another change in my marriage. I haven't had sex for a while and thought my wife was sick but really she was the one with the anger problem. All that pent up anger because of my past bad behavior. I guess now that I am less angry she can now release all that stuff she has against me for all those years. I had a minor anger episode this week and she blew up much more than usual. I am OK with it though and even though I have to deal with my wife's and children's anger, I never had so much clarity of thought and calmness in my soul.
Freedom from addiction means clarity of thought as well and this is a good thing.
When you are at the bottom you have no where else to go but up.
When all the shit is wiped away.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

I am emotionally on a new low. I had to be off the computer for a while because I am more easily tempted at this time. The wife is more angry at me and that is because I am less angry. All her pent up anger is now able to come out as I am less angry. It was the silent treatment at first but now she is talking more about it, which is good. I also talked about my big daughter's partying and that went well so far so good.
When I am going through lows like this I ask myself,"If today was the last day on earth, would I want to spend it whacking off on the computer?". Then I switch it off and find something else better to do. What to do if my answer is, "Yes!"/?. I honestly wouldn't know.
3 months and counting.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

DPA...your not the only old guy on here. I happen to be one of those old guys. I am also one of those guys that no one would think would ever have this problem. Everyone sees me as the good guy everyone looks to for friendship and advice. Little do they realize that I have a deep dark secret that haunts me. It's a difficult burdon to carry, afraid someone will find out and expose your darkest secret to the world....

My hat is off to you having 4 daughters and a wife. That's got to be one emotional household! I only have a wife and she's more emotion than I can handle.

....I can relate with how you are emotianally low you are. Think of things this way, you have made 3 months of sobriety. That's a huge accomplishment in battling this addiction. What is your next goal, 4 months? 6 months? Peice of cake compared to the last 3.

Don't stop working on your ERP while you are low. It can be a very vulnerable time. I am pulling for you! Let the sunshine in and take a few minutes for yourself. You have been working really hard and need to pat yourself on the back from time to time.

Best
Cole

_________________
Start date 3/29
Reset date 5/16
New start date 9/12
05290803

Those things that bind us are the most difficult to unravel

Hi Cole,
Thanks for responding and giving me support. When I am going through this amount of crap at the same time I cannot help but think of it as a test of some sort. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself for myself and wondered if what all I am doing is making any sense. Thinking of it as a test makes it all palatable and manageable emotionally.
I only have one more hurdle to cross, and I am ready to cross it successfully.
88 days without going on a porn site and counting.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.

13weeks without porn,
This by far was the toughest week and yesterday the toughest day. I thought my wife was not giving me sex because she was upset with me but really she is sick. Some sort of infection. Had her in a bad mood as well. I have been doing all the right stuff and working on my communication with her and the children.
My lack of sex was driving me batty. Looking at thumbnails everyday but not clicking to go on the sites. Switching the computer off and then doing something else to keep my mind off sex. Some days like yesterday the urge is so bad that I had to stay away form the computer completely. I just knew that if I went on the computer I would automatically go to a porn site. I bought a whole set of clean DVD's and looking at this stuff for entertainment instead of using the computer.
I often wonder if I already went over the edge by looking at the thumbnails but I thought it over logically. The thumbnails were my edge. I did not cross it. It only feels as if I did. I also checked the amount of time I waste on looking at thumbnails and it isn't very long. A few minutes at most. But after doing it it feels like hours. I do get a rush by being on the edge but I know this is not healthy. This is the hurdle I had to get over.
I think I can use the computer now without looking at the thumbnails. I tell myself that if I am going to make a porn search to look at thumbnails I would just switch off the computer. Even if I don't use the computer for days at a time it won't kill me. I just feel so embarrassed for being a porn addict. I really do hate being what I am. A porn addict. My Dad stopped going to AA a long time ago and never took a drink since he stopped. He just didn't like associating with all those drunks of which he is one. Being on this site makes me feel like I am a member of a perverts anonymous, and I am just another pervert like everyone else on this site. A porn addict is just a pervert who can't control himself or herself. I am one of them. It's just a horrible addiction and I hate myself for being one. I know it is a disease but I cannot help what it makes me feel inside by being an addict. I hope I am not hurting anyone's feelings by this but I guess this is what the forum is for.
13 weeks without porn but I am still an addict and always will be. I hate myself for doing this crap in the first place and I feel so embarrassed for being here. I hope I could eventually be like my Dad and dissociate myself from my addiction altogether.
I am at two minds. Maybe I could stay on this site and help others cope with their addiction like I have been doing, but I really hate being a pervert and associating with perverts like myself.

_________________
I will cease being a slave to my past.