Alright day 32 and I have lots to say!
So far my P/M is pretty under control. It's been 32 days now since I've last viewed porn. I mb'd yesterday, but I'm ok with that. I've reduced the frequency of it, and I'll keep trying to keep it, and all my ways of acting out under tight control. My girlfriend is helping with that. I text her every time I do it, and since I don't want to look like a freak, I don't want to do it too frequently. That's the idea anyway.
So a few thing occurred last night that I want to talk about.
1.) My girlfriend and I originally were having a pretty bad night but then we kept talking on the phone, and talking, and talking and everything became absolutely wonderful by the end.
We pray every Sunday night together over the phone. It's a very intimate moment. Lately she's been having an increasingly difficult time saying in touch with God and having faith, but I hope to help God somehow to motivate her and keep her seeking Him out. So we prayed twice last night, on her will.
2.) I learned my girlfriend has eating problems. Essentially she's semi-bulimic, and it's been going on for about a year. I was very shocked to hear this for many reasons. I just never expected anything like it, and I was shocked to realize I'm only just finding this out, after 8 months being together. Yet I took it all very calmly and a lot better than I expected. I feel like i'm growing and maybe able to control my emotions a little better? Possibly. Anyway, she told me everything and I asked her why she didn't tell me sooner, considering we're so close and it's a very serious issue. She said she never really considered getting serious about fighting it until recently. THIS is a big reason as to why she was so depressed last week! I'm glad i finally know. Yet my worries transferred from a lack of knowing, to now knowing a problem. So she's serious about stopping her bad habits, and she spent an entire day researching healthy diet and exercise plans.
I was very shocked to see how closely her dietary habits matched up with my lusting habits. The way her problem manifested itself, the times of day, the reason she didn't tell me earlier, etc. All of it matched up with my story and so I felt powered - like I could help her. I told her about my P/M problem 5 months into our relationship. That's because as I got closer and closer to her, I became guiltier and guiltier and realized my problem had to stop at all costs. So I told her with the risk of losing her and it turned out for the best. She now helps me with my problem and I help her with hers. She's going to text me when she gets to the temptation to binge on food and/or throw up. I'm helping her by giving her advice. I recommended a lot of the things I've done to help myself with porn addiction. Like writing a list of affirmations, meditating, deep breathing, and so on. So now we're both in a hole, and we're both serious of getting out of it.
3.) Ironically, before she told me about her problem I told her "guess what, I want to start a diet and exercise program!" It was pretty funny, looking back at it now. I'm really out of shape and I need to get in shape. I want to lose fat and gain muscle and so today I'm going to commit myself to researching my own program and sticking to it. She's going to help me with that as well. I'm also practicing my free will to say "no" to my friends this week. I'm not going to hang out with anyone expect go to the gradation party on Friday. I might see my girlfriend for a few hours on Tuesday (tomorrow). Anyway i'm going to try to commit myself to a workout and diet program. I'm also going to try to set an actual wake up and bed time for myself. My insomnia needs to get under control.
4.) Finally, my girlfriend and I were discussing something else. I made it to 32 days now without porn. Yes, I feel accomplished, but not as much as I think I should. I feel bad and not genuine because I feel like didn't really have to do anything to get to this step. I have an incredible filter, and with it, I never bothered to try looking any up. I don't know if any of my progress has been made through my own effort or through the convenience of a filter. So we discussed that we need to start taking it off little by little so it's completely off by the beginning of the school year. My girlfriend agreed, though she admitted just the thought of that makes her really nervous. She asked me to remind her again in advance so she could mentally prepare herself in case I relapse.
5.) I also told her I haven't been progressing very well in the recovery course. I'm a little stuck on the ERP, but i'll make a seperate post about that right after this.
And so that's the latest update. I exercised this morning, stretched, meditated, prayed, ate a pretty healthy breakfast. Now i'm going to make another post, and then start my research.