Feed the Right Wolf

another couple days and a couple relapse days. it has been frustrating but these most recent relapses seem to have little anxiety in them. im staying focused and simply starting over again. maybe it will continue on like this for a while but im certainly not ever giving in so i can rest at ease with that fact. im going to continue to fight and most importantly be consistant. heres to another start..
my 30th restart since jan 1st 2012..30 is alot of relapse days but theres alot more clean days in that stretch of time so i know im making some progress. in the past i would watch porn for serveral hours several times a day..everyday. almost never even taking a day off..so i know even tho i have failed so many days im still on the right path. im not even one bit religious but ill say this. god is not done with me yet. im still a work in progress. but at the same time god not done with me yet..neither is the devil. i think many of us are at the same point in this battle. ethically i actually dont even have a problem with porn/masturbation. its like to each their own. but for me personally. porn has taken advantage of certain vunerabilities in my character. it has exploited my weak points and basically taken me down a dark path over several mind numbing years. i have used and abused it very heavily and it will be a long journey to come back from that dark path. but the main point is ive turned around and im heading for the light. its like trying to run up an escalator that is going down. if you stop or let up for a second you will be pulled back down. all of the things that i need to practice daily is the momentum/energy/power/force that can help me out run the escalator. oh too often i stop to chill or take a rest.. at that point im weak and will be pulled back. another relapse another lesson learned.

thanks for your time.. stay focused

sub

Keep up the good work my friend!

It is great that you learnt all of that and shared it with us!
When I'm about to relapse I always have in mind the sentence that you've once said (it is in my signature) that each day of staying away from porn is worthy and makes us stronger!
That is very much true!

_________________
"staying away from that stuff is worth the hassle and frustration of fighting back... always..."

subpad

2 days clean and feeling ok. its amazing how one little peek can lead to a disasterous situation. i really need to figure out away to stay away from little peeks at triggering images. i live in japan and i see such beautiful women everyday. i feel a burning desire to approach many of them but i get filled with anxiety and panic type energy. it really shows the difference from the fake virtual mess i have been consumed in and the real world. it is very clear to me that reality is what i truly want but it has been this virtual insanity that had/still somewhat has a terrible hold on me. when it comes to the real world and real women in the world it can be very nerve racking to approach women you are interested in. worries of rejection and social stigmas run rampid and i mentally beat myself up. porn has always been an easy outlet to have some sort of release from stress and pressures of approaching the women who truely wooo me. i am single now and this addiction has been in part..part of the reason my girl left me. i am now looking for a new woman in my life and find it so hard to approach with all this clutter and terrible anxiety. its not all from my addiction but surely its feuled by my addiction in many ways. its clear that a clean life is the only way out of this madness..
heres to staying clean!!!

regards..
sub

since last relapse its been a clean 8 going on 9 days now. feeling ok.. at first i said how the relapse didnt affect me heavily and there was not anxiety flare ups this time. well around the 3~5 day mark i had intense anxiety/depression this time around. somewhere deep down my mind knows i am commited to cutting this off..another part of me is clearly fearful of not having this pain killing medicine to fall back on. seems to leave me vunerable to other life stressors. i have other outlets now to release my tension..going out exercising ..trying to meet new people/interacting etc..but i guess my body/mind is still fearfull of having this totally cut out of my life. thats one aspect..the other is simply the habit and raw chemical dependancy i have to this crap. relapses deffintly hit me hard psychologically/chemically maybe not at first but at some point they always come back 10 fold and hurt me. im at a point where 8 days is doing good so im by no means out of the immideate danger zone. i got to say on top of this and make the right healthy decisions to stay clean..my life gets better every clean day that is stacked on another clean day..bottom line for me..relapses are not the end of the world but they certainly should not be taken lightly and they can have profound negative psychological effect on me.

hope yall stayn clean
regards
sub

well its been 11 clean days since my last relapse. feel pretty good overall. theres still anxiety flashes sometimes but overall i feel ok. about a month or so ago i broke up with my girlfriend partly due to this issue. but i think all thinks happen for a reason and this addiction was just a minor issue in our relationship. anyway i met a new girl recently and if things go as they usually do we will be having sex soon. im worried that this will effect my recovery. my main goal is to cut off porn and masturbation but what about real sex? should this also be avoided in the recovery process?if so it seems like i shouldnt even date because dating quickly leads to sex..for me anyway. any advice? do you think having sex will hamper my recovery?
regards

sub

12 days now. lastnight after work found my self "testing the new filter settings"..basically seaching for some images or videos. stept away and went to bed..and this morning back again "testing the filters"..led me to a couple of full on porn clips and thumbnails. i felt a massive pull to cave in but somehow managed to close all windows and clear the history so i would not be able to easily retrace the path to that content. as my filters are pretty solid it takes some real searching to come up with full on hardcore video. i managed to pull away ..but every other time this happened a relapse is a couple days away. knowing this i am stepping up my awareness doing some erp/talking to friends/medatation/journaling here/cleaning up my apartment and exercise outdoors..if it wasnt for my previous relpases i would not have this heinsight. im going to be extra focused over the next couple of weeks to ensure i stay clean and add the comming days/weeks to my current cleanse period. 12 days is a solid foundation for me so i can feel confident fighting back heading into the next couple of days..


regards..
sub..

back to square one. stuck in the relapse cycle. i was approaching 2 weeks clean then i had a date on the weekend. i dont know why but i was expecting to have sex with this girl. i met her drunk one night at a bar then once for lunch and then last weekend for dinner and drinks. i somehow had this notion that she would be comming back to my place and we would be having sex. i was getting very arroused just looking at her at dinner and had trouble containing myself. anyway she very protective of herself and doesnt jump into bed quickly(which i respect) and when she passed on my late night invite to my apartment i got a little let down and next two days fell into back to back heavy bingey relapses. i was also looked at alot of images and even some video the day befor i met her so i was probably already heading for the inevitable relapse. im back to day one and trying to make a run at a clean future but im now asking myself what can i do differently how can i change how can i improve. 2 weeks seems to be my new obstacle. for months now i cannot seem to better 2 weeks. i know an accountabilty person is an important missing link but im just wondering who can i tell in detail? ..im 33 years old. i live in japan, im now single..my friends are very open minded and understanding people but i dont like the idea of them keeping tabs on this..my girlfriend recently just left so shes out..
my mother is dealing with alot things right now and this isnt really going to lighten her load ..
i have people i could tell but i dont think it will do much in my situation. when my girlfriend was living here with me i was able to go 1 month. that seems like an epic journey at this point..
advice?

during the binge i even went to lengths to remove my web filters with out a password..so that i would have full access to what ever i wanted. i remember thinking just go off and gross yourself out and turn yourself off from this shit. well i didnt have to go off because i was not comfortable or enjoying the relapse. i was not into it at all and often felt disgusted and very uncomfortable with myself. this process went on and off ..taking filter off..putting it back on..until i finnaly snapped and cracked my mac osx cd in half. it is the only way at the moment for me to be taking the filters off. then i realized..if im really searching that hard..theere will always be a way to override the filter. basically this porn crap has a strong hold on me..maybe strongeer than most..it seems like im not fully equipt to beat this at the moment..
any ideas?

anyway today is day 1 and dispite how grim it may look/feel..i have no other option but to continue on fighting this terrible filth. clean days upon clean days make a massive difference so im hoping tomorrow will be better. having heavy urges all evening..2day relapse has a very big impact

sub

Hi Subpad,

I want to clarify since I'm confused... It seems like you are basing your sobriety on not masturbating, but that viewing images and/or video doesn't reset your sobriety?

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore